Page 67 of Finding Hope

He’s here to learn, and he’s not a slob. He’s not overweight, so his endurance brings us to the buzzer easily.

I lower my hands. “Burpees. Go!”

Instantly, he drops to the floor and does a full minute of burpees. As soon as the buzzer sounds, he’s up. “Alright, legs. Left low, right low, left mid, right mid, left high, right high. Go.”

His breath races, his posture slackens, and his stance evolves into something a three-year-old would show me… that’s actually a lie. My niece has never had a stance so shitty.

Three minutes later, the buzzer sounds and has his red face turning a little green. “Kyokushin star jumps. Go.”

Movement in my peripherals has me turning to watch Jon slide a fresh bucket into the ring.

Smiling, I nod and go back to watching Brad as Jon backs out of the splash zone.

I don’t want Brad’s money, and I don’t want to teach him how to fight. He won’t be coming back for a second session. I’ll make sure of it.

It takes thirty-five full minutes of go-go-go before he buries his head in the bucket and makes sounds only a birthing elephant might make.

The best thirty-five minutes of my day.

With my work done and my gut no longer churning, I toss my pads to Jon and head to the locker room.

No way in hell am I training this guy. I willnotbe teaching him how to throw a punch, then sending him home to Britt or any other girl. There’s something in his eyes, and I won’t be responsible for setting him loose with skills to hurt people.

Alert to my mood, Annie sticks to my side as soon as I walk away. Following me into the locker room, she drops to the bench near my shower and twitches her whiskers as I undress and flip the water on.

I’m ready to go home. I’m ready to see the kids.

Lathering up, I slide soapy hands along the scars on my chest and stomach. Three surgeries, a shit ton of prescribed narcotics, and six months of treating my body like a crash dummy, I have lots of roughly healed scars mixed in with the ink I so proudly had done while Steph watched on.

It’s been almost a year since she died; I’vecelebratedmy first Christmas without her, I quietly watched her twenty-fifth birthday come and go, and I sat alone in my bedroom on our anniversary as accommodation reservations I’d already booked went unused.

I’m coping better than I was, but her absence still hurts. Grief is like a journey that never ends. There’s no final destination, no one point that I can aim for and know that the pain will finally go away.

It’s just a passage of time, a passage I cannot sidestep, and a penance for having been gifted her love in the first place.

Sometimes I can live with the knowledge that she was once mine. I can celebrate what we had, and I can still get out of bed and function and smile.

Other days, it takes everything I have to open my eyes. The fact Ihadher, but now I don’t, is too much. Instead of focusing on the gift Ihad, I can only see the punishment I now live.

Those are the days I’m one single drop of alcohol away from coming undone. Just one beer. Just a single sip to help me relax.

But I can’t.

One leads to two, two leads to a dozen, and that dozen leads me to becoming the man I hate.

My family deserves better than that.

Hell, even I deserve better than that.

Finishing my shower and drying off, I step to the locker and comb my too-long hair out. Steph’s magnetic smile shines from the photo I have tacked inside my locker door, with her wild curly hair, and her bright toothy grin.

She never looked older than seventeen. Her freckles gave her a youthful appearance right through college and after, and her quiet nature never made anyone question it.

Kissing my fingers and pressing them over her heart, I look three inches to the left and smile at the innocuous black hair tie. Picking it up and sliding it over my wrist, I run my fingers along the black material and enjoy the warm roll of comfort that moves through my stomach.

I’m smiling, not because it’s Steph’s, but because it’s Britt’s.

She left it on the bathroom counter when she stayed over, and I’ve been wearing it like an idiot ever since.

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