Page 126 of Finding Hope

I stare at the mouse. I haven’t seen her in all the months I’ve been seeing Bambie. I’ve seen the blondes a couple times, but the mouse has been noticeably absent since the second time I saw Britt in the club.

I try to look away. I need to be on my game tonight. I need to fix the damage from last night, but just like it did at the club, the sight of her hits me in the gut and winds me.

It’s a miracle I remain standing.

I’m half tempted to ask if she’s Steph’s long-lost sister. They don’t look exactly the same. In fact, if they were in the same room together, there’d probably be a huge difference, but it’s been a long time since I last saw Steph.

Shit’s fading.

Now I remember the big things; her wild curly hair, her freckles, her green eyes.Her innocence.The small details are escaping me, and the knowledge that I’m losing that, I’m losingher, hurts so fucking much.

The guilt of dating Bambie is amplified with the knowledge that to know Britt, to love her, I’m letting Steph go. It’s like I’m being forced to choose between them, and though I know that’s ridiculous, the guilt still burns like I drank a glass of lava.

Britt squeezes my hand. “Jack?”

The mouse watches me watch her, the blondes watch me watch the mouse. Everyone’s eyes are trained on me and the mouse.

I feel sick.

“Jack?” I hear Bambie, I feel her next to me, holding my hand, running her other hand along my bicep, but my eyes itch and sting.

The fact I haven’t blinked, the fact Ican’tblink, makes it worse.

“Reilly.”

My eyes snap to Alex’s as his deep authoritative voice cuts through my fog, but then they go back to the mouse.

A million memories roll over me, not of the mouse at all, she’s just the poor unfortunate medium, but of Steph. Of her laughter, her tears, her angry face, and the face she’d make when we made love.

“Alright. That’s enough.” Britt squeezes my hand and tries to turn me away. “We’re done for tonight.”

I frown at my mini muscle. “No.”

“It’s alright,” she whispers. “Iknow. I get it. We can try again another time.”

“No.” I stop moving. I don’t let her steer me away. I turn back to the mouse, then I scan every set of eyes in front of me. Especially a couplesets of murderous green and blue. “No, it’s okay.” I clear my throat. “I’m sorry.” Taking a fortifying breath, I offer a hand. “I’m Jack.”

“Yeah.” Murmuring shyly, she takes my hand and blocks Marcus and Luc’s protective step forward. “I’m Kari.”

Kari. Not Steph.

“Um,” Britt murmurs uncomfortably, because what the fuck does a girl do about her man staring at one of her best friends? “Okay. This is Jess.” She points to one blonde, then the other. “And Laine. You’ve met them all before.”

“Yeah, hey.” I shake each offered hand. “I’m sorry… about…”

“It’s alright,” Scotch announces quickly. “It’s cool. Let’s have a fuckin’ beer.”

I groan inwardly, but I don’t make another uncomfortable announcement.

Hi. I’m Jack, and I can’t drink with you tonight, because I’m an alcoholic.

Instead, I let Britt lead me to a formally set dining room, and when we sit and Scotch offers a beer, I simply pick up a glass of water and shake my head.

I so desperately want the beer.

Fuck.

I look around at the overfull table. At the crystal glassware. The fancy china patterns. Platters of creamy pastas line the long table, and a roast lamb with all the trimmings sits in the center.

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