Page 98 of Finding Hope

I pick more blades of grass and squash them between my fingers. “I don’t want to compete with you, Steph. I can’t. I’d never win. And I think if I tried, it would wear me down really fast. So, I’ll just be happy being me, and Jack being Jack, and you… being in the room with us. I’m okay with that. I was hoping you and me, maybe we can be friends? I’d like to think if you were still here you might like me. I’m a good person, I swear. I’m never mean or unfair. I’ll never hurt him…”

I read her fancy headstone. Her birth date, then the date she died. Not enough years.

“I’m not here to replace you. I’m simply here because hanging out with him makes me happy. And just like I need Annie’s approval, I need yours, too. I can’t be you, Steph, but I can be me. I can try and give him something back, something your absence took from him, and maybe he and I could create something out of that. That’s enough for me.”

I stand after a few silent minutes and lay my palm on the top of her headstone. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you’re not here anymore, but I’ll take care of him.” Touching my fingers to my lips, I place them back on the stone. “I’ll be back, okay? I’ll visit you. I’ll let you know how he’s doing. We’re sisters now.”

I feel so nervous, like I just spilled my guts to a stranger, which, technically, I kind of did. Taking one last lingering look at the thick bouquet of flowers in front of her headstone, I smile and remember the flower Jack gave me.

23

JACK

FINDING REDEMPTION

Walking out of the gym, freshly showered, hair still wet, and my training bag full of sweaty gear thatneedsto be washed soon, I look up and stare at the sky.

It’s sunny. Fluffy white clouds.

No rain.

Nothing.

Just a perfectly sunny day.

But it’s not actually perfect at all.

This time twelve months ago, she was already gone. This time last year, I was eating the road on the I40 minutes after my beautiful Stephanie was taken from me.

I’ve lived twelve whole months without her.

I’ve been better. I’ve been doing good. I haven’t felt weak, nor have I craved a drink in a while. Instead, I crave something else.

Someoneelse.

Britt has been my constant companion, we’ve been together whenever we aren’t working, and we text all day when we are.

I’m training eight hours a day, six days a week. But beyond that and school, we’re together.

She makes me happy, she makes me smile. And for a guy like me, that means something. Before she came along, my world was pretty fucking dark. But now… well, I guess she makes me feel hope again.

She gives me hope that life is worth living.

But not today.

Today I’ve ignored her texts. Today I’ve come to the gym, I’ve kept my head down, and I’ve trained hard.

Possibly the hardest session I’ve ever put in.

An inferno of energy and rage bubbles inside me, and anyone that so much as looks at me, cops my wrath.

This time twelve months ago, some man, someone I don’t know, decided to drink too much, then he drove. He didn’t know us, and we didn’t know him. Steph couldn’t have known that morning when she woke in my arms that it would be our last day together. We wouldn’t know that this man, this stranger, would change our lives.

For some reason I’ll never know, this stranger left a pub or a club, or fuck knows, he might’ve left church, and he was blitzed. He made the choice to get behind the wheel, and he set into motion a chain of events that could never be undone.

I felt the rage for so long after. I let it consume me. Then Bambie came along, spitting mad and sexy as hell, and she helped me forget for a while.

I didn’t forget Steph. I could never forget Steph. But I forgot the anger.

---