Page 74 of Finding Hope

“I think about her a lot, but I don’t know if it’s because maybe I likeher, or just because she was the catalyst. You know what I mean? She was in the right place at the right time. Or maybe thewrongplace at thewrongtime. I just…” I shrug and flick another petal away. “I don’t even know, baby. It was always you. I never even had to consider anyone else, because it was always you. And we were so easy. We fell into it, like an easy slide into a warm bath. But now everything feels different.”

Standing with a grunt, Annie spins in a circle three times, grunts, then drops back in exactly the same spot she started.

I love her. Annie saved me, too. If I didn’t have her and my family, I may have taken a much more direct route to killing myself.

Turning back to Steph, I smile and think of her curls. “I thought I had a type. You know… like… you. Whatever you were, ya know? Quiet. Mousy. Cute. The perfect complement to my loud and annoying. But Britt’s not like you at all. She’s so in your face it’s ridiculous. She likes to party, and she looks absolutely nothing like you. She has all the ink you refused to get. She’s edgy and sassy.”

I sigh. “I love you, Steph. I loved you exactly the way you were, so maybe that’s why this doesn’t make sense to me? Because if I finally decided I might look at girls again, shouldn’t I be looking at girls like you? Shouldn’t I be attracted to my type? I mean, shit, babe. She keyed my car! You and Bambie are so different, and the differences give me whiplash. I can’t even try to compare you both, because it’s like comparing a unicorn and a… well, maybe a raccoon.” I smile and pick the last three petals off. “Or maybe a unicorn and a deer. They just can’t be compared. They’re nothing alike.” I turn onto my side and study her plaque. “Not that any of it matters; I asked her out, and she said no.

“I know it sounds weird, but I wish you were here so I could ask your advice. I know that if youwerehere, I wouldn’t actually need the advice. But still, I wish you could tell me what to do…”

Lying silently in the sun, I listen to Annie’s light snores and the branches swaying in the wind. If I just closed my eyes, I could actually fall asleep.

Despite the fact I’m lying on my dead girlfriend’s grave, I still find myself thinking about theothergirl. I don’t feel guilty. Not exactly. I’m talkingtoSteph about her. I’m not cheating, and I’m not lying, and I truly think that if Steph were still here and for some crazy reason we didn’t work out, she’d still want me to be happy.

That’s how perfect and pure she was. Kind and fair to a fault.

“Alright, you know what?” Sitting up, I cross my legs. “Why don’t you give me a sign? If you think I should ask her out again, give me asign. A fire engine on the road? A bird swooping down and nipping at Annie’s butt? A rainbow? Anything, baby.”I’m begging you, tell me what to do.

I look toward the road; no fire engine.

I watch the skies, but there are no swooping birds and no rainbows.

Thinking about my predicament, I chew on my bottom lip. “Okay, let me rephrase that. If you want me to ask her again,don’tgive me a sign.”

Still.

No fire engines.

No birds.

No rainbows.

Smiling victoriously, I jump to my feet. “Good enough, baby.” I kneel in front of her headstone and press a kiss to the top. “I love you, Steph. I’ll love you for the rest of my life, I promise.” I take one daisy from the few dozen I brought. “One for me, the rest for you. I’ll see you next week.”

Turning away with my daisy in hand, I stop at the sight of a second loose flower by my shoe. Bending over and picking it up, I twirl each in separate hands. “You want me to have two?” Nodding, the peace I feel every time I visit slides through my heart, comforting like a warm embrace.

Six months ago, I was terrified to come here. I thought it would hurt too much. I thought the guilt would eat me alive. But if I’d known how she’d take the weight off my shoulders every single week, I might’ve turned to her instead of a bottle of bourbon. “Two flowers it is. Thanks, baby. I love you.”

Moving away, I walk across the manicured lawn, past the beautiful rainbow of flowers that line the walkways, and smile at the birds that sit on headstones as they alternate between singing and shitting.

I stop about eighty feet away from Steph’s headstone, and smile at another. “Hey, Dad.”

Tidying his flowers, I smile at the full vase of pink and white daisies. “I have two today, Dad. I was gonna share, but it looks like Kit’s got you all set.” Twirling mine between my fingers, I smile and read the name written in the small concrete headstone.

When my dad died, we – Kit – was broke as fuck. She did the best she could, but her main focus was making sure I had enough food in my belly. A headstone just wasn’t something she could afford to splash out on.

“I know you didn’t get much, but I figure you don’t mind.” Kneeling, I lean against his headstone and sigh. “I hope you’re doing okay up there. It’s been a long time. Ten years this year, actually. Does that make you feelold or what?” I close my eyes and let out a weary breath. “It makesmefeel old. I feel like I’ve lived a hundred years already.”

Lifting my head, I prepare myself to get on with another day. “Anyway, I’ll come see you more often, I promise. I love you, Dad. I miss you more than you know. Thank you for giving me Kit. She’s the best gift anyone has ever given me.”

Standing before I bog myself down in too much grief, I walk away with Annie on my heels, and think about signs.

About rainbows and birds and fire engines, but still, nothing.

Following the marked pathway, I step through the thick trees at the edge of the estate and almost trip over my own feet when I spot the girl leaning against my car.

Not quite schoolmarm, but not quite Club-Bambie, either, she’s rocking out somewhere in the middle.

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