Page 36 of Finding Hope

“Fuck she didn’t,” Bobby snaps. “She knew everything. She knew itall. She had your back when you were too busy with your head up your ass to notice, just like now!”

He hits the nail on the head and drills down to who I am at the core.

I becamethisguy after my dad died, too. I was horrible to my sister, and it took a lot of her heart and soul – and my new brothers training the stupid out of me – to get me back on track.

I wish this time was similar. I wish training and Kit’s love would be enough for me to get better, but it’s not. I can’t see the light. I’m stuck at the dead end of a long and lonely black tunnel.

It’s so dark in here, I don’t even know which way to turn to look for the light again.

“Smalls got in a fight this week,” Aiden continues. “Miss T was looking out for Bean. She stood up for our girls. She has your nieces’ backs more than you do.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Why not?” Jon asks incredulously. “Not everyone’s an asshole, Jack! Maybe she’s actually a cool person, but I guarantee your stupid ass just put our girls on her shit list.”

Fuckkkk.

“I didn’t even know she was a school teacher.” Sighing, I press the heels of my hands against my eyes. “I didn’t know. She doesn’t look anything like Mrs. Grober.”

“No shit!” Aiden laughs sarcastically. “And your Bambie looks a hell of a lot different to the Miss T from school, but both versions of thatwoman you treated like shit look a hell of a lot better than Grober. I didn’t even recognize her. That’s on Tina.”

“Yeah.” Missing my joint and the buzz I should be enjoying if it wasn’t for Bobby, I eye off the rest of the bag. “Lucky Tina was on to it. I’m so fuckin’ happy it went down the way it did.”

“Jack.” Grim voiced, Bobby kneels down in front of me and steals away the last of the pathetic buzz I had. “It’s been half a year. You need to stop doing this to yourself. To us.”

“Fuck off, B.”

“I know you’re hurting.” Jon sits down beside me. “I get it, okay? I really get it, but you’re killing yourself and you’re killing your family.”

“Kit hardly sleeps anymore.” Mercilessly, Bobby twists the knife in my gut. “She wasn’t asleep tonight before your girlfriend came out.”

“Not my girlfriend.”

“Not my point! She can’t sleep. She’s not eating. She’s not functioning, because she’s worried sick about you. But unlike the last time you were grieving, you’re not even trying to get better this time.”

“Get better?” Standing, I push past him and stalk across my room.

Rage – my constant companion these days – flows in my veins, bubbles and oozes and threatens to hurt my family. It’s like I have this power inside, an evil, poisonous power, that begs to be let out.

“Why should Iget better?”I spin back and pin Bobby with my eyes. “Wouldyouget better if you lost Kit? Did youget betterwhile you sat by her side day and night for weeks when she was hurt?” I look to Jim, then Aiden and Jon. “Would youget betterif it was Tink, or Tina, or Iz? Fuck you assholes for thinking this is no big deal, for thinking Iwantto be this person.” My chest heaves the way it did on the side of the freeway. “Fuck you for telling me to get over it.” I spin back to Bobby and scream, “I can’t!” Unfamiliar tears blur my eyes. “I don’t knowhowto get over it. I don’t know how to get better. I don’t know how to live without her!”

Standing, he rushes forward and has me flinching like he’s going to hit me.

I’m so tired of being hit.

But he doesn’t.

He takes me in his arms and hugs me so fucking tight, it almost hurts.

Tears spill over and splash on my cheeks as he holds me together.

I haven’t cried in… forever.

“It’s okay.” He squeezes me tight. “I’m sorry, brother. I’m so sorry this happened.” More arms surround me, until Bobby and I turn into a five-guy gay hugging orgy, but their tight hold has me sobbing, releasing some ofmy poison through cathartic tears. “You’re right,” Bobby continues quietly. “If that was Kit, I wouldn’t get over it. I’d never get over it, I’d never get better.”

“I don’t know how to get better.” Crying, I lean on the guys and sob into Bobby’s shirt. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna live anymore. It hurts too much.”

“None of us can know what you feel, Jack.” Sniffling, Jim’s tear streaked face rests against my shoulder. “If this happened to us, any of us, we’d rather die than live without them. We wouldn’t wanna continue without them.” He squeezes my shoulder. “But we can’t let you go that easy. We can’t let you kill yourself. We loved Steph.” His hand rests on my head to hold me close. “We really did. We watched her grow up just like we watched you. She was our sister for a long time, but we love youmore, Jack. So much more. We won’t let you kill yourself.”

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