Page 35 of Finding Hope

But I should’ve known better. The ghosts in my house never lie down and go quiet.

My life can be broken down into shitty days: the day my dad died, the day Kit was hurt and hospitalized, the day Steph died.

Then yesterday: the day I cowardly forfeited my fight and simply handed back my belt.

All that hard work, the years of pain and sweat and tears my brothers and I put in, all so I could simply pick up my phone, call Bobby, and tell him I wouldn’t be defending my title.

I mean, he knew it was coming. You don’t step into the octagon for the world title without training for it, but for me to finally say the words out loud… Well, that added yesterday to my list of heartbreaking days.

I was disappointedforme. But most of all, I was disappointed in myself. For letting my family down. I just… I’m so tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want tobehere anymore.

It hurts.

Everything fucking hurts.

Steph’s been here this whole time, in my house, in my peripherals. The curly haired elephant in the room haunts me, and all day long, she stares with disdain as I continue down this destructive road to death.

I don’t mean to disrespect her memory. It’s the verylastthing I want to do, but beingthatguy, the guy everyone hates, is my only coping mechanism in a world of pain.

But for the few hours Bambie…Britt… was in my arms, while her hands roamed my back and her lips tasted mine, for the first time in a long time, my heart didn’t hurt quite as much. And better yet, I didn’t feel that self-loathing that I normally do, the guilt I feel when I’m with a woman… a woman that isn’t Steph.

For the first time since she died, Steph wasn’t here watching. Bambie shielded me. She let me live in the moment, to feel something a little different than the constant pain I’ve felt since the day Steph left, and I got to enjoy a few minutes without the risk of going insane.

Bambie let me relax for a few minutes, and when I fell asleep with her in my arms, I smiled.

A smile is worth a million dollars to a guy like me these days.

But when I woke and she wasn’t in my bed, my sanctuary was shattered. When I found her in the kitchen withmydog, the dog who never talks to any of my girls,ever, I was spooked.

What kind of voodoo does Bambie wield? How does she do that to me? To Annie? How does she have us relaxing?

Sighing at the expected knock at my front door, I roll my eyes and walk away. I know who it is, and I know I don’t wanna talk to them.

Walking back toward my bedroom, I sit on the edge of my bed, take out a clear baggie of already rolled joints, and light up.

I don’t give a damn anymore. I just want to sleep – for the rest of my life.

Just like I knew who was at my door, I also knew they’d let themselves in anyway. Stomping feet move up my staircase, not just one set, but too-fucking-many.

Muffled grumbles precede the guys, then letting out a satisfying puff of smoke, I sit back and watch my angry brothers let themselves into my room with baby monitors in their hands.

For such big badass fighters, they sure look like a bunch of pussies in their skivvies and old man slippers.

“Fuck, Jack.” Stepping forward, Bobby snatches my smoke away and crushes it in his palm. “That shit’s poison! What the fuck is the matter with you? And you made me burn my hand.”

I shrug. “Wouldn’t burn your hand if you weren’t so stupid. Even cavemen knew‘fire, burn.’”

“You’re a stupid ass,” Jon snaps. “Why do you keep doing this?”

“Doing what?”

“That chick you just humiliated,” Aiden bites out. “That’s Smalls’ school teacher.”

Fucccckkkk

“She’s actually really cool, and you treated her like trash.”

“How do you even know her? My folks didn’t know my teachers. Kit didn’t know all my teachers.”

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