Page 19 of Finding Hope

Because I’m an asshole.

“You missed my cake. It was a mermaid.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Ask your mommy and daddy to come over to my house this week. Any day, your choice, and I’ll get you any cake you want. I promise.”

“Can’t buy her, Uncle Jack.” Tink walks by and slams her bony hand into my shoulder. “She doesn’t want your money, kid. She wanted you here for the first cake. She made her wish – it was for you.”

Break my fuckin’ heart!

Looking back into Emma’s disappointed eyes, I want to weep for hurting my little girl. “I’m sorry, Em. I really,reallyam. I promise to make it up to you.”

“Uncle Beebee’ssomad at you,” Evie teases. “And Biggie, too. They said they’re gonna kick your ass. What you did was pretty bad.”

“Shut up, Bug. If you’re not on my side, then you’re the enemy. And don’t say ass.”

She tsks quietly. “Can’t say shut up. Mom will hit you.”

“Your mom doesn’t scare me–”

A fresh punch slams down on my shoulder as Tina wanders by. “Don’t say shut up, Jack. Especially don’t say it to my daughter. I’ll cut you, jerk.”

Jesus, if I wasn’t inducted into this crazy family when I was young enough to grow and adapt, I might actually run away scared.

This is the family where everyone solves their issues with violence. You piss the girls off, they hit you. You piss the guys off, they hit you. The girls piss me off, they still find a way to hit me.

I honestly don’t understand what drew Steph in, and I especially don’t understand why she stayed. She was too quiet for this group, too placid for their antics. But for some reason, somehow, she stuck around and cruised under the radar.

She didn’t give shit, except to me. And she didn’t take it, except from me.

I miss her so fucking much.

“I’m sorry for saying shut up, Bug. I love you.”

She grins victoriously. “I love you, too. But you’re still in big trouble.”

I groan. “Shit, I know.”

“Shit,” Sarah, Evie’s five-year-old sister, repeats playfully. I close my eyes and flex my shoulder. The strike is coming. The pain is imminent.

Emma’s hands squeeze my face and has my single dimple popping – a dimple just like hers. Just like Kit’s. Just like my dad’s. “You’re going to be in big trouble, Jacky.”

I sigh. “I know, baby. I’m always in trouble.”

I’ve fallen into a cycle of hating myself and hating the world, and no matter what choice I make, I can’t seem to find my way out.

Steph took my goodness with her, and now all I’m left with is the shell of an asshole. And though a part of me wants to get better, a part of me wants tobebetter, I still find myself high and fucking a new chick twelve hours after Emma’s party.

Then six hours after that, I watch another woman leave my home, walk through my gates, and slide into a pre-paid cab.

6

*NOT* JACK

EVIE – “THE BRUTE” – KINCAID

Several weeks later

Exhausted, groaning, and slumping at my desk, I flex my aching feet and beg Laine to pass the vodka that neither of us actually have.

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