Page 39 of Cuckoo

‘We do?’ I venture.

‘We do. And I have counter-arguments ready for all their probable lines of attack. So don’t get stressed, don’t get emotional, and don’t react, okay? That is really important. Whatever is said, donotreact. The last thing we need is some journalist getting a photograph of you looking angry and plastering it all over theDaily Fail Online. We can discuss everything in private afterwards, okay?’

This rundown is making me even more nervous, and this time when I nod it’s shakier. I shouldn’t have looked at the social media folders yesterday– it’s set me on edge. I think if Grosvenor had been in the room she wouldn’t have let me, but she’d popped out to the toilet and I politely asked her young and nervous-looking junior counsel, who obliged me. These are folders Grosvenor keeps in her files tracking all social media posts on relevant people’s pages since The Accident. I’ve been living in this bizarre limbo for the last eight months, my only understanding of the outside world coming from her. But seeing the social media posts printed out on paper has given me the horrible wake-up call that I badly need. It had made me realise the severity of what happened, and the possible repercussions I’m facing.

NOAH COORS

01.43

Will I ever feel okay again?

12 comments 56 likes

NOAH COORS

13.35

Went to do food shop and they had Lilah’s favourite chocolates– the ones they only bring out at Easter. Bought them for her out of habit. Still missing her so much.

8 comments 48 likes

NOAH COORS

04.12

Can’t sleep. Can’t switch my brain off. Wish I’d been home to save her. Wish I’d never gone on that run.

28 comments 32 likes

NOAH COORS

08.19

Why???????

2 comments 8 likes

I’d been starved of information about what had been going on with Noah since the terrible accident– desperate to know how all the people involved were doing. But his page made for painful reading. I felt a hollow sensation in my belly with every status I read– alongside a stab of pain at all the things I’d hoped he’d written but hadn’t. No words of endurance or acceptance. Not a mention of my name. It was clear from the print-outs of his mournful late-night posts that he basically just had a public breakdown over the loss of his perfect girlfriend, followed by an extended lapse of silence about anything or anybody else.

Grosvenor has my social media pages carefully paper-clipped together as well, of course. Both the Claire account and my dummy Emma account, though obviously both of these have been silent for the past eight months.

Lilah’s page, unlike Noah’s, was loud as a marching band. It had been filled with messages of love and grief every day since the news broke, pictures and old stories shared on her feed like it was a blooming scrapbook.

FELICITY NEWARK

16.34

Remember this day last year? Was so funny. Can’t believe no more days like this to come. Miss you so much you gorgeous angel. Love you always xxxxxxxxx

KEVIN MARKWELL

09.10

RIP xxxxxxxxxxxxx Miss u x

MICHAELA ELLIS

17.08

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