Page 35 of Cuckoo

‘Please, Lilah. I just want to speak to you,’ I tell her, trying to keep my voice calm and even.

I see her hesitate, but her knuckles are still white as she grips the edge of the door, and I try to make myself look as unthreatening as possible while she peers at me through the sliver of space, her beautiful eyes large and wide as a doe’s.

‘I just want to talk. I– I’m struggling to understand. To process what’s happened,’ I explain.

‘I can’t let you in,’ she tells me quietly, eyes darting frantically.

‘That’s okay. We can talk out here?’ I try. But I see her eyes flick to a neighbour opposite who is pruning a rosebush by the pavement, and I know a part of her doesn’t want an audience to this conversation where she will have to admit to stealing my fiancé.

‘Look, I really do just want to talk. Maybe we can have a cup of tea or something?’ I try again. My voice is gentle, soft and reasonable, the tone I’ve used at petting zoos when trying to convince the lambs to come close enough for me to stroke them. I’m desperate for answers, need to understand why Noah has done this to me. It’s worth humbling myself to act this way.

I can see her wavering, but eventually she must feel sorry for me because she lowers her head and opens the door so I can come in. I step in slowly, afraid of startling her, and rub my shoes on her doormat politely.

‘Let me go and switch the kettle on,’ she says. ‘You can sit down.’

‘Thank you.’ I nod, and perch myself awkwardly on the edge of the giant cream sofa where I saw them snuggle up together a few nights ago. I rub my hands up and down my legs, and my heart is beating unnaturally quickly as my whole body anticipates the pain that is sure to follow this conversation. The house smells of her. Sickly and floral. There aren’t many signs of Noah around: a pair of shoes that I spotted beside the door, his coat on the rack. Everything is tidied away in its place. Carefully selected, neutral-colouredtreasures are out on display, decorating the shelves and alcoves. There is no room for mess in this woman’s life.

A minute or two passes, and I can hear Lilah running the tap and taking mugs out. Something feels wrong, but I don’t know what. It’s as though my senses are on high alert, every sound amplified, and my entire body has tensed, waiting for the danger to show itself.Run,my instincts think.Stay,the other part of me demands.Stay and put an end to all this. Find out the truth. Find out what they’re hiding.

‘Do you take cream or sugar?’ she calls out.

I roll my eyes. Ofcourseshe serves her tea with cream and not semi-skimmed milk like the rest of the British population. I imagine snorting with laughter over this later with Sukhi and feel a burst of strength, sitting up a little taller.

‘Just sugar, please, one spoon,’ I reply, shifting in my seat and wringing my hands together in my lap.

Lilah appears shortly afterwards, two mugs in her hands. I notice she places mine on the coffee table in front of me rather than handing it to me.

‘Thank you,’ I force out. I take the steaming cup and cradle it in both hands, happy to have something to hold to stop me fidgeting.

Lilah is looking at everything in the room except me, eyes darting here, there and everywhere. I notice she has also brought her mobile phone through, and it’s sitting beside her on the armrest of the chair she’s sunk into. She was beautiful in her pictures, but up close in real life, she’s breathtaking. She looks airbrushed, for God’s sake. I feel a stab of envy. Of course Noah would prefer a woman like this. Any manwould. How can I even blame him for falling for her? I feel a flush of heat creep up my neck and my face redden with embarrassment that I ever thought I could compete with a woman like this.

‘Why me?’ I ask quietly, trying not to let my voice break.

‘Excuse me?’ she asks, looking directly at me for the first time.

‘Why me? Why have you done this to me?’

‘Look, Claire, I don’t know what you think has happened, but I haven’t—’

‘You stole my fiancé!’ I cut in, and can’t help raising my voice. Lilah shrinks back into her chair.

‘I—’

‘He was all I had! Look at you, Lilah.Look at yourself.’ I bristle, momentarily shocked by how much like Mother I sound, but I continue. ‘Look at all you have!’ I take one hand off my coffee cup to gesture around me. ‘You are beautiful, you have this gorgeous house, you have money, a loving family. Noah wasallI had, and you took him.’ My eyes have teared up now and I feel rage boiling inside me at the injustice of everything.

‘Look, Claire, it’s not like that. I know it seems unfair, but that’s not what’s happening.’

‘So whatishappening?’ I snap.

‘It’s… hard to explain,’ she says feebly.

‘This is bullshit,’ I mutter under my breath.

I feel a sudden need to hurt her, to hurt her like she’s hurt me. ‘Do you know about his burner phone?’ I ask.

She draws in her breath sharply. ‘Burner phone?’

‘Yes. The one he keeps in his car boot.’

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