Page 73 of Ruckus

“Long as you're sure.” He nods gratefully.

“I’m more than sure.” I kiss his cheek and head down the hall to my own room. Once I’m inside I close the door and look at my reflection in the mirror. My tummy does stick out, now maybethat's because I’ve let the rest of me get so thin. I’ve barely been eating, and I know I have to take better care of myself.

I slide out of the black dress I’m wearing and study my reflection without it. Wondering how much my body is going to change over the next few months, and if Vike will still be sleeping across the hall by then.

I really hope he is. Having him close is about all that's got me through the past two weeks, and what he said about being here for me through this, felt really sincere.

Vike was a good friend to my brother and he’s been a good friend to me, but I want him to be so much more than that. The way he touched me in the kitchen felt incredible, and as I touch my hand to my stomach where his had previously rested, I remember how it felt. Gradually I slide my fingers lower, pushing past the front of my panties.

“Alicia, do you know where th—” My door opens and when I see Vike I scream.

“Holy fuck!” He stares at me in shock.

I quickly snatch my dress up from the floor and attempt to cover myself with it.

“Shit, I’m sorry I shoulda knocked…I was just about to take a shower and there ain’t no towels out like there usually are.

I looked in the laundry room but.” He shakes his head, clearly as mortified as I am.

“I put them away in here.” I crab walk over to my built-in wardrobe and slide open the door. Then reaching for the shelf, I grab a towel and keep the fabric of my dress tight to my body as I move across the room and hand it to him.

“Thanks.” He smiles awkwardly. “And I’m sorry, again. Next time I’ll knock.”

“Lesson learned.” I smile back at him, wondering why he’s still standing there, looking at me. It’s making this even morefucking awkward then it already is. “Was there anything else?” I check wanting the ground to swallow me up.

“No.” He shakes his head and looks confused. “I’m gonna go take that shower.” He steadily points toward the bathroom before turning on his feet.

“Great.” I watch him march down the hall and cover my face in shame.

It’s almost midnight when Cam rides us through the gates of the Arizona charters compound. My legs are numb, I’m tired, I ache, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

“You're gonna love it here.” Cam slides his arm around me, acting as if I’m here by choice, as he leads me into the clubhouse. It’s dated, and reminds me of an old-fashioned saloon, because of the balcony that wraps around the second floor and looks over us. Cam keeps me tight in his grip, walking me toward the bar, and feeling the eyes of everyone in the room on me makes me want to scream. Some whore in just her underwear lifts her head from the line of coke she’s snorting from the pool table to snarl at me and I don’t even bother to give her a sarcastic smile back. I’m not myself anymore, I’m a puppet, and the strings that bind me to the puppet master are made out of guilt and shame.

“Whoa! Picked yourself up a little treat in Long Beach, did ya?” One of the members standing at the bar looks me up and down.

“Hound, this is Freya, Freya, meet Hound,” Cam introduces us. “And if you call my old lady a little treat again, I’ll choke you on your own nutsack,” he warns him, before turning his head to me.

“If you wanna freshen up you can head upstairs, our room’s the big one at the top.” I follow his eyes up to the balcony and feel a panic rising in my chest.

Our room.It suddenly occurs to me that I’ll be sharing a bed with this man tonight. All I thought about on the way here was Ruckus, I hated having to say the things I said, but I couldn’t risk him not letting me leave. I’m still furious with him about the lifeguard tower incident, but I got no pleasure out of seeing him look so hurt.

“I’m kinda beat from the ride here, do you mind if I just go to bed?” I can’t see that I’m gonna get much sleep being just the other side of a door to all this noise, and I’m assuming that when Cam decides to join me, he’s going to want me to perform like an old lady. The thought turns my stomach. Ruckus may not hold much value to our intimacy, but I don’t want another man’s hand on me, I don’t want his touch to be erased. Up to this point I’ve played along but I don’t think I can play along with that.

“Sure. Get yourself ready for me. I’ll be up in a little while.” When he leans forward to kiss me, I automatically draw back. “Don’t be shy, now, darlin’. Come here.” He laughs, as I’m forced to swallow my repulsion and lean into him. His tongue forces itself through my lips, and feels like an invasion. I close my eyes tight, hearing the cheers and encouragement that surrounds us, and when he pulls away, despite wanting to launch an attack on him, I manage a smile.

“Goodnight.” I start making my way up the stairs, feeling his eyes still on me and wanting so much to wipe his kiss from my mouth, and when I get to the door I let myself in, close it behind me and scrub him from my lips.

It smells like weed, stale alcohol and sex, in here, and I have no idea how I’m going to survive what is inevitably coming next.

There are clothes tossed all over the floor, two ash trays heaped high with cigarette ends and I clear a space on the bed, wondering how many women he might have fucked in it.

I’m too scared to let myself cry in case it won’t stop. There were so many times during the conversation that Cam had with Aaron back at Long Beach where I wanted to speak up. I wanted to scream at my brother, tell him that Cam isn’t the man everyone thinks he is.

He’s not the same guy that took care of me as a prospect. There’s something evil inside him now, and I can guarantee it was our father who put it there. Every time I wanted to interrupt and tell Aaron Cam was lying, I thought about Eden and how I’d watched them hurt her. I reminded myself that I was too scared to tell anyone who could have helped her, in case my dad sentmeaway to suffer the same treatment. I was a coward who let everyone else get hurt to protect myself.

This right here, is no less than what I deserve.

I remain in my clothes, lie on top of the covers and laugh bitterly to myself. When I heard that Chop was dead, I thought all threat to me was gone. I let myself imagine a world where Ruckus could be faithful and we could be happy together. Sure, my guilt would always be there, but with him I could have gotten through suffering it.

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