Page 12 of Ruckus

It may be covered in mud, but I recognize the old coin that’s in my hand. It’s just like the one Ruckus carries around with him. I know it’s rare and we’re close to Long Beach… there’s every chance this could be his, he could have been here. I clean it off with the pad of my thumb and stare at it, ignoring the pain in my foot because for the first time in so long I feel something other than fear and sadness. It feels a little like hope.

“Freya… Bring out some beers.” I shake myself out of the memory and realize that I'm stroking that same coin with my thumb. Being back in town is making it hard not to think about him, and two years later, I’m still trying to convince myself that this coin is evidence that he was there that night.

“Freya!” Drew hollas at me again, and I quickly place the coin back in my jewelry box to head for the refrigerator, taking out four Buds on my way to the door.

“What took you so long?” Drew snatches one from my hand and busts the top off, while Josh’s eyes shift sideways toward him as he continues to tighten a bolt up on his bike.

“You look like you’ve had a few of these already.” I laugh nervously as I start to pick up the empties.

“Just having a good time with the boys.” Drew grasps hold of my face and tilts it toward him. “Why so grumpy?” He puts on a baby voice and pouts as he forces my cheeks together, andwhen Josh looks ready to stand up and do something about it. I quickly rip my head out from Drew’s hands before he gets himself into trouble.

“Ooooohhhh,” the others sing in chorus

“Shut the fuck up,” Drew yells, draining the last from his bottle then fisting my hair. I trip on the step as he forces me back into the trailer, slamming the door behind him, and after a hard, angry shove in my back I fall hard against the table. Pain cracks through my side and when I stroke my hand over my ribs a sharp pain makes me whelp.

Drew stands over me, getting a grip of my hair again and forcing me to stand upright.

“You like undermining me in front of people like that?” His breath stinks of beer and I try not to flinch when his spittle lands on my cheek. “You like trying to make me look like an idiot?”

I wait for the strike to come, but it doesn’t. Instead I feel his knuckles softly swipe over my cheekbone so he can catch my tears. “Don’t play the victim, Freya, it doesn’t fucking suit you.” He releases me so fast that I drop to the floor, and after he grabs another beer on his way out the door, I hear the laughter outside pick up when he rejoins his friends.

I don’t know how long I sit staring at the frayed carpet, but I spend a long time wondering how my life turned into this, and at which point I let it.

All I do know is that there's no going back from it, not even being here, back in town, could tempt me to do that.

I eventually pick myself up off the floor and manage to pull myself together just before Magna lets herself into our trailer.

“They seem geared up for a good night.” She smiles as she steps inside.

We have a show in less than four hours, Drew is drunk, and by now probably high too. I can hear the boys outside getting louder and all I can do is smile and pretend.

“This is your hometown, right?”

Over the years I’ve seen a lot of people come and go, but Magna was here long before I joined. I remember her telling me I was making a mistake when I first came here.

“It sure is.” I look out of the trailer window, even though there’s no view from here. We’re packed in by more trailers. It’s the same view I get wherever we travel. This time it doesn’t bother me, it just makes it easier to pretend that home is nowhere near here.

“Will you make some time to catch up with your family, we’re here for five days?” she asks.

“I don’t think so.” I shake my head and smile back at her sadly. It would be great to check in on Willow, but I doubt she’d be pleased to see me. Not after I abandoned her just like Aaron did. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t because it would mean going back to the club, and I never want to see that place again.

“Your daddy, he’s a biker, right?” Magna lights herself a smoke.

“He’s president of a club around here.” I take in a deep breath despite it being polluted with nicotine.

“I’ll bet he’d be pleased to see you. I’d happily come with you if you wanted to visit him,” she offers, and when her eyes glance over to the chain that’s bolted to the wall beside the bed I realize that I’m not fooling anyone.

“I don’t want to visit my past.” I stand up and move toward the basin, I still haven’t done the bowls from breakfast.

“Freya, I know you're not happy here.” It seems Magna came here for a reason and she isn’t giving up.

“Yeah, well I wasn’t happy there either so I don’t see how visiting the club is going to help.” I scrub the dishes extra hard.

“Freya, you do a damn good job of hiding how scared you are to everyone else, but not to me. You and I both know that one day that asshole is going to kill you.” She moves to stand besideme, placing her hand over mine to stop me from scrubbing. “I just wanted to remind you of where we are and how easy it could be to go home.” Her eyes move back to the chain that Drew locks around my ankle each night before I go to sleep. It started last year after we had a fight. He caught me sneaking out while he was sleeping and ensured that I never attempted to do it again. Not that he has to. I wouldn’t have gone very far even if I did get away and I don’t care how easy it would be to go home, I made the decision a long time ago that I’m never going back there.

“I’m fine where I am,” I assure her with a smile, ignoring the pain in my ribs and the sting in my chest that tells me I’m a liar.

“Gates don’t open for another hour.” One of the hefty guys sitting on a barrel outside the entrance growls at us as we step toward them. All of them are built the same and look as if they could do some damage, but we didn’t come here to fight. Wrath came to break devastating news to his sister, and I… well I guess I came here to tear open old wounds and torture myself.

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