Page 5 of Own to Obtain

It looked exactly the same as she left it—simple, neat, and organized—but it didn’t seem to fit her anymore. The bed was too narrow and the sheets too colorful, the pictures on the walls too simple and carefree, This was the room of a girl, and she wasn’t a girl anymore.

Heading to her wardrobe, she paused at the window and all thought of Kyus’ instructions left her head as a delight shot through her body. Her gardens!

Hurriedly, she made her way outside, eager to be within her own private sanctuary once again. Maybe it would make her feel better about everything that happened, maybe even help battle the odd feeling within her.

As she entered the garden, she took a deep breath, inhaling in the rich, sharp, and familiar scents of the garden that she had missed so deeply. Although it seemed slightly overgrown, it looked very much the same. Her feet automatically took her deep into the thick and abundant greenery, and she noted the growth and flowering since the last time she’d been among it. She found herself at a small patch of earth where she’d spent the most time, between a bellflower bush, a fireroot shrub, and an oak tree. From this spot it was possible to see most of the gardens without easily being seen herself. She spent long hours in the early morning observing the wildlife, quiet and peaceful in her surroundings and thoughts. It was the one place she felt complete—where she was one with her gardens. And yet, as she settled down into her spot, the oddness inside her continued to expand.

She quietened her thoughts and calmed her mind, watching her surroundings, but it wasn’t the same as it once was. The vibrancy, the energy, the excitement of being among her own patch of nature didn’t give her any peace, didn’t calm her emotions or settle her mind. In fact, everything felt dull.

As she looked over her favorite place in the entire world, everything was changing to grey. The colors were still there, the animals, the insects; the environment was what it had always been. But it was greatly muted. The rich experience she once adored, the delight she used to automatically feel, was missing something, but she couldn’t decipher what it was. Was it her? Had she changed that much?

She leaned against the oak tree, as she studied the feeling inside her, resting her head on its rough bark. It wasn’t like when her hair had been cut. At that time, she’d been distressed, and emotional, and distraught. It wasn’t like the clarity she had when she woke from nearly dying in the Discovery Mountains. No, this was something else.

The strange greyness inside her was expanding, but she didn’t how to stop it. Maybe it was the absence of Kardos’ bond in her chest. Maybe it was the potion she had taken, but how could she know?

At the thought of Kardos, the greyness intensified. The last time she felt delight, and vibrancy, and excitement about anything was when she had been with him. When he was with her, giving her his attention and making her feel like she was the only person in the world for him—when she thought he cared about her beyond her dynamic, when she thought he didn’t look upon her as a means to attain his ultimate goal. She had been a fool to believe anything else, and yet everything ached at the memory of his arms around her, his smile, his lips on hers, even his husky utterings ofkysm eshar“little bird” when he was deep inside her. The emptiness of her chest ached with the echo of the potent force of everything he was. Her beast, her force of nature… gone.

The sobs came upon her before she was even aware of them. And the greyness became thick and heavy inside her. She didn’t know how long she sat in her garden mourning the loss of what she knew she’d never have again. In more ways than one, he had contaminated everything, even her gardens.

Kyus found her and tried to talk to her, but Shaya had no idea what she said. Her sister kissed her cheeks and helped her up from the ground, guiding her back to the house and into bed.

But even sleep was difficult. How had she done this before? How could she ever sleep comfortably or soundly without the purring chest of her Alpha on top of her? Without the firm grip of a large hand on her ass? Without the pure, heady scent that soothed her deep to her core? It seemed impossible now. Shaya turned and tossed, praying for sleep that never came. By the time her sister re-entered, she was almost hysterical with the idea that this would be her life. He had ruined her completely. How was she to survive if she couldn’t be without him? If she needed him so desperately even to rest, how would she ever be free?

“Shaya,” Kyus said, grabbing her arm as she sobbed, writhing and thrashing in the sheets. “Calm down!”

“I need him so I can sleep,” Shaya shrieked, trying to explain. “I’ve always needed him and now he’s not here. He made me like this! He made me—”

Kyus gripped the back of her head and pressed a cool cloth over her mouth and nose and Shaya deeply breathed in a mellow, warming scent she recognized in the back of her mind—blended richwood and kerrel-dew. Immediately the scented oils calmed her, and she closed her eyes as she took another deep breath. Drowsiness came quickly and she eagerly settled down onto the pillow.

She smiled at Kyus, barely able to register the worried expression on her face as she twisted the pillow lengthwise underneath her head and chest so she could press her cheek against it. “I like when it purrs,” she slurred to Kyus, who nodded, her eyes shining as she stroked Shaya’s forehead.

Finally, with a deep and heavy sigh, Shaya fell asleep.

***

The heavy greyness didn’t subside.

Moments, hours, months, years… Shaya couldn’t tell how much time passed while it weighed her down, permeating every inch of her being. At first she tried to fight it, tried to pull herself from her bed and talk to Kyus when she brought her food, but she had no energy and no interest in anything beyond the pillow that wouldn’t purr for her. She couldn’t even cry anymore. Her existence became one that simply lacked everything she had known; joy, color, feeling, even fear. She felt nothing. And what was worse, she didn’t even care that she felt nothing. The only thing she wished for was the heavy luxurious purr that eluded her, and when she was awake, the emptiness in her chest where the bond had been disturbed her. She was hollow and numb from the inside out.

Kyus tried to rouse her, bringing her favorite foods, her favorite books, even her favorite flowers from her garden. Shaya tried to engage, but she just didn’t have the interest or energy.

Finally, Kyus drew her into her arms and hummed the melody of the lullaby she had sung to find her, stroking her arm the way she did when she was younger. “Tell me, Shaya,” she murmured. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know,” Shaya muttered. “It’s all grey.”

“What is grey?”

“Everything,” Shaya said, numbly. “Everything inside me is grey. Everything outside is grey. It won’t let me go.”

After that, Kyus forced her to get up and led her to her garden, where she spent an afternoon tending to the plants, some of which were overgrown. Shaya sat in her spot, leaning against the oak tree as she watched Kyus trying to weed. She smiled at her efforts but wouldn’t join her when her sister tried to entice her.

Kyus took her inside to wash her hair, and when she pulled off her head wrap, discovering there wasn’t much for her wash, an overwhelming sadness pierced through the grey. Kyus covered her reaction well but Shaya knew she was disappointed, and the heaviness within her became almost unbearable. As Kyus treated her shorn hair, she softly asked what had happened, but Shaya couldn’t speak. So, as she moisturized and massaged, Kyus began talking instead.

At first, Shaya couldn’t focus on her words, and let her sister’s voice fade into the background, but as Kyus continued, Shaya realized was explaining what she’d done since Shaya went to the Southern Lands.

Kyus had suspended all of her work as a spy and spent the last six months trying to find the Southern Lands while still maintaining her position in the Western Lands. Shaya couldn’t take in everything she said, but she knew that if Kyus had stopped being a spy, she had stopped being who she was. Her sister loved her work, even lived for the cause of saving and helping Omegas, and she’d stopped doing that just to find Shaya.

As Kyus continued to talk, Shaya suddenly realized how much she had done to try to find her—to make herself available at the right time when Shaya really needed her. How long would she have continued searching while Shaya enjoyed the embrace of her Alpha? Her sister had come for her, had never stopped trying to care for her. Shaya had to do better.

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