Page 3 of Hacker Christmas

“No.”

“This is a safe place, and you know I won’t repeat anything you say inside this room. Let’s talk about how you did a BDSM scene with a new dom, with neither of your doms at the club last night. Did Aaron and Neal know you planned to go to the club?”

I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t understand why I asked a stranger to scene with me. Before I left Blackwood Security, Aaron called to invite me to California for Christmas. The conversation should have made me excited, but instead dread filled my mind, and I wanted my mind to go blank after the call. I would have asked Neal to scene, but he had flown to Washington to have dinner with the president of the United States. Neal had asked me to go to DC, but I stayed in Ft. Lauderdale to work. The only thing I could think to clear my mind was a scene, so instead of asking Brock, as I should’ve, I asked the first dom I ran into.

My mind wandered to the men I cared most about. I didn’t know what I would do when they left me, which I knew they would. Neal ran an elite cyber-security company, Black Hat, and Aaron was a top Hollywood actor. Being public about a three-way relationship wasn’t an option for either of them. So instead of waiting for them to dump me, I think I chose todo the scene so they would leave me, which would have been easier for them than leaving me for my past. Nobody wanted somebody who talked about herself in the third person as his wife.

I contemplated not telling Dr. Robison why, but over the years, she had figured out my stall tactics. She had moved my sessions to the end of the day so she could keep me in her office until I talked. “Daisy thinks it would be easier if they dumped her.”

Dr. Robison tapped her pen on the notebook in front of her. I never wanted to see what she wrote in her notebook about me. “Do you no longer like Neal and Aaron? I know it’s hard with Aaron gone a lot, but do you still want to be with them?”

I loved them more than anything. But if I continued to be with them, I didn’t think I could recover when they broke my heart by letting me go. “They won’t be with Daisy permanently. Daisy’s fallen too hard already. Daisy doesn’t think she can recover when they move on. Neither of them can keep Daisy in their lives. Aaron is a top Hollywood actor, and Neal is the CEO of Black Hat. He could lose clients.” Even though Dr. Robison’s office walls were a soothing gray and the lights were soft, the room felt dark and cold as I talked about breaking up with Neal and Aaron.

“Have you talked about your feelings with Neal and Aaron? What triggered you to pick a random dom last night?”

I pulled the drawstring onmy black yoga pants. “No. Daisy doesn’t want to bother them with her issues. They will get rid of Daisy faster. Aaron wants Daisy to come to California next week.”

Dr. Robison left her chair and sat next to me on the couch. She grabbed my hand. “Daisy, I’m talking to you as your friend, not your therapist. You’ve lived with Neal for almost a year, and Aaron has been with you guys for three months. Have they given you any reason to believe they don’t want to be with you?” When I didn’t answer, she continued. “They both look at you like you are their everything. Do they know this will be your first time back to California since Sam saved you?”

The thought of setting foot on California soil made my hands sweat. “They can’t be with me forever. It’s been five years. I should be able to go to California again.”

“Don’t downplay how you feel about California. Why can’t you be with them for forever?”

I reached up and wiped my eyes then admitted something I held close since Neal and I got together—it was the reason we couldn’t be together forever. “Daisy’s damaged,” I whispered.

Dr. Robison pulled me into a hug, and I felt her wet tears on my neck. “You’re perfect, Daisy. You’ve been through something most people wouldn’t survive. You lived with an evil man for ten years.”

“Master said he made it so Daisy can’t have children. Daisy also can’t stop talking in third person, even though she tries.” I chastised myself for calling him Master. I worked every day not to call the man from my nightmares Master.

Dr. Robison’s body tensed at my words. “First of all, he is not your master. Secondly, have you gone to see a doctor and asked if something’s wrong?”

It had been five years since Sam Blackwood saved me from a life of captivity on the day I planned to kill myself. I still hadn’t asked a doctor if I could have kids. Why would it matter? Nobody would ever want to marry someone held captivefor years. “No.”

“How about we find out for sure before you say you’re damaged. Even if you can’t have kids, you can adopt. I never want to hear you call yourself damaged. You’re a strong, brave woman. Emotional issues such as worrying about having kids are things you need to discuss with your doms. You need to sit them down and have a lengthy conversation. When is Aaron coming back?”

I loved Neal with all my heart, but when Aaron was in California, life felt off. “Neal and I are to fly out next week. But Neal won’t want Daisy anymore after what happened last night.”

Dr. Robison released me from the hug. “Let’s talk about why Neal doesn’t want to be with you anymore.”

“Brock called him last night and told him Daisy went to Club Sanctorum and scened. Brock told Neal he had to break up the scene because Daisy had blood running down her back. Neal didn’t want to talk to Daisy after his conversation with Brock. He told Brock to take care of Daisy and said he would be back tonight. Daisy stayed at Brock’s last night, and even Brock could barely say a word.”

Brock had been by my side since Sam carried me out of the evil bastard’s house. He held me while we flew to Ft. Lauderdale, and I lived with him for the first couple of years. Brock was like my brother, and last night he couldn’tlook at me. I hadn’t onlywrecked my relationship with Neal and Aaron.Today at work, he didn’t even come to the front to talk to me at reception. Every day since I started at Blackwood Security, he’d come up front and chat. I could hardly hold back the tears at work. When the alarm rang to remind me of my appointment, I rushed out of the building. I didn’t even know if I would have a job the next day.

Dr. Robison’s words broke my train of thought. “Let’s not jump to conclusions. Talk to Neal tonight. Did you do the scene last night because you want Neal and Aaron to leave you? Or was it about your trip to California?”

She had a good point. After Aaron’s call, my world seemed to tilt. I couldn’t get my brain to turn off. So I asked someone I had seen before to do a scene. “Daisy might’ve done the scene because of stress. When he whipped me, Daisy went back to her old master’s house in her head. Daisy couldn’t speak. She zoned out. Daisy didn’t even feel the whip as it hit her skin. It wasn’t until Brock screamed something and released her from the cross that Daisy realized how far she had let it go.”

My phone vibrated next to me. Deep down, I hoped it was Neal or Aaron, but I figured it was Jessica. I looked at the screen to find a text from Neal.Brock will pick you up from therapy and bring you to the penthouse.My stomach turned at his words.Will tonight be my last chance to see Neal? Will Aaron ever say goodbye?I couldn’t help it. Tears appeared in my eyes.

“Don’t jump to conclusions, Daisy. You need to talk to Neal. Don’t think you know what he will say. You need to sit down and talk to them about California. Those men can’t read your mind. Have you ever talked about what happened, or has everyone glazed over it? You need to talk about it, or your relationship with these men won’t go anywhere.”

The loud knock on the door startled me. “Come in,” Dr. Robison yelled. The door creaked open, and Brock stuck his head in.

“Hey, Daisy, I’ll be in the lobby when you finish. Don’t hurry.” When Dr. Robison nodded, Brock stepped back and closed the door.

Dr. Robison gripped my hand. “I care about you deeply, Daisy. I want you to be happy, and I think Neal and Aaron can do that. But you need to open a line of communication, or this relationship will fail. Not because of your past, but because you are keeping things from Aaron and Neal. Men can’t read your mind, and you know in this lifestyle how important communication is. If you need me in the next two weeks, call.”

“Can you help Daisy with something before Daisy goes?”

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