Page 126 of My Mistake To Make

As we head back outside and sit, I notice Jessie pick up her phone, then put it back down on the table, the selfie of her and Bowie lighting up the screen before it darkens once more. She looks a little sad, and it dawns on me that she must miss her. I know Doug thought she wouldn’t, that she didn’t want to be her mum, but she is.

‘Have you spoken to Bowie?’ I ask, and her gaze raises to meet mine before she shakes her head.

‘She’s better off without me right now.’

I feel my brows knit together as I watch her.

‘Jessie,’ I say softly and reach for her hand on the table. ‘Don’t say that.’

‘It’s true. I haven’t been a good mom. I never wanted to be a mom at all.’

‘But you are. You’re hers, and she loves you.’

‘You know that day when I saw you up at your house, and you offered to watch her?’ I nod. ‘She was so excited to see you. She’s never once been that excited to see me.’ The way her bottom lip trembles breaks my heart.

‘You know, I’m realizing, and so should you, that parents fuck up.’ She huffs out a shocked laugh and holds my gaze. ‘Ours did, lots. You’ve made bad choices and got things wrong where she’s concerned…’

‘I used her, Cara. I used her to fuck with him.’

‘Yes, and he isn’t perfect either. He’s so focused on trying to be a good dad that he gave up his whole life outside of that and made himself miserable. What kind of example is that setting?’

‘He’s a great dad.’

‘He is. He’s brilliant with her, but he’s not perfect—nobody is. You have him up on this pedestal, but if you keep him up there, you’re always going feel like he’s looking down on you. I don’t have kids, so I don’t know how hard it is, but please, Jessie, acknowledge that you’re doing something amazing right now because you are a good mum. You are doing the work to be a better person and set better examples for your child.’

‘I don’t think she even likes me very much.’

I reach out and tap her phone screen, bringing it back to life.

‘That smile on her face says otherwise.’

She takes a long deep inhale and blows it out.

‘I’m giving custody to Doug. Did he tell you? I know it’s the right thing to do.’ She squares her shoulders, but the sadness in her eyes doesn’t leave. ‘I just don’t want her to think I don’t love her because I do, so much, but I’m not in a place to raise her right, not yet. She has everything she needs in Forest Falls.’

I nod, understanding and respecting this woman so much more than I ever imagined I would.

‘Do me a favor, okay?’ She nods, it’s small, but it’s there. ‘If you grant Doug custody, and I understand your reasoning for that and think it’s incredible of you to admit that it’s best for her right now, but if that’s what’s happening, sit down with him, talk to him like you have me, work out how that arrangement looks for all of you. Work with him on getting it right for her instead of fighting him over it because, despite what you think, that little girl loves you very much.’ She chews her bottom lip, and I squeeze her hands. ‘Go and call her, say goodnight, tell her you love her. Just because you have work to do, just because you don’t feel able to be her full-time caregiver right now, doesn’t mean you can’t be her mum.’

‘If she’s with him full time, does that mean you’re going to be the one raising her?’

The question throws me, and I blow out a breath before answering.

‘Doug and I have a long way to go,’ I admit. ‘This whole mess has shown me that we don’t know each other as well as we thought. If I’m in Bowie’s life, it’ll be as her friend.’

‘Even when y’all get married?’ A shocked laugh escapes me at the thought, and I see the mischievous glint in her eye and the smirk on her lips.

‘Stop it.’ I smile, shaking my head, and she laughs. It’s nice to hear after such heavy conversations today. ‘Even ifwaydown the line Doug and I end up in that place, I’ll never be Bowie’s mum. I’ll never try to be, but I’ll always do right by her.’

She nods, accepting my words before leaning back in her chair and grabbing her phone.

‘Stepmom and aunt, you’rewaymore country than I thought.’

And on that note, she walks away with her phone in her hand, ready to say goodnight to her wee girl.

‘You promise we cankeep working on this, us?’ Jessie looks worried as she walks me to my car the next morning, as though she thinks when I drive away from here, we’ll go back to being virtual strangers.

‘I promise, but you focus on you right now, okay?’ I open my arms to her and hug her to me. I feel the way she relaxes in my arms and wonder how many people have genuinely hugged her in her life. Her family don’t sound like they were huggers.

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