Page 74 of My Mistake To Make

‘Cara,’ he pushes my hair behind my ear, ‘I want nothing more, but I think we need to talk through some things before we get too deep into this.’

I chuckle and run my fingers through his hair, loving the feel of the silky strands against my skin, melting at the way his eyes close momentarily as though he can’t help it.

‘I’m happy to talk,’ I admit. ‘It’s just more comfortable up there.’

He smirks and moves, laying me down gently on the blankets and coming to rest above me.

‘Are you not comfortable, now?’ he asks, a mischievous sparkle in his eye. I try to laugh, but I’m all too aware that he’s between my legs.

‘I am.’ I breathe the words. ‘Okay, you win.’

Doug leans down to kiss me, all too briefly, before lifting me slightly and pulling another cushion under my head to prop me up a little higher. Then he sits back and goes back to my feet.

‘No, he never rubbed my feet,’ I say after a moment of just enjoying the way he touches me. ‘He hardly touched me at all, to be honest.’

I notice the slight squeeze on my foot before he loosens his grip.

‘The thing is. I had no idea I was missing anything, so I never complained.’

‘How, Cara? How could you not know something wasn’t right?’ I frown at his question and the frustration in his voice. ‘I’m sorry. I’m not blaming you, and believe me, I’m glad he was a prick who let you go because I’m so glad you’re here right now. I just hate that he didn’t take care of you the way he should have.’

I pull my foot from his hands slowly and sit up, mirroring his cross-legged position as I start to pick at the blanket underneath me, focusing my attention there.

‘Boys at school didn’t like me. My first kiss was at the end of a terrible date when I was twenty. He just leaned in and kissed me, and I felt nothing, so that was the first time I wondered if there was something wrong with me. Then I had sex for the first time, and it was awful. There wasn’t any sort of foreplay, just a bit of kissing. I was seeing a guy for a while after that, but again, no real effort on his part, and then there was Jamie. I was really attracted to him, at least in a way I hadn’t been to the others, so it was a little better, but I had no drive to explore what I might be missing, because I didn’t know I was missing anything.’

‘You didn’t think to try touching yourself, exploring your own body that way?’

‘No, are far as I was concerned, sexual contact wasn’t enjoyable, so what would be the point?’

‘Five years, though. Five years and he didn’t even try to get you off?’

I take another deep breath.

‘Honestly, I’m not sure he even noticed that he didn’t. Now that I’m looking back on it, I know I was convenient for him. He knew he could get regular sex on his terms until it grew too tedious, and off he went.’

‘Did you love him?’

I raise my eyebrows and huff out a laugh.

‘I thought I did at the time. Now, well, I guess he was convenient for me, too.’

Doug tilts his head a little, silently asking for more.

‘Having a boyfriend, even a crap one, made me feel more normal than I ever had. I hadn’t had friends, hadn’t had all the fun experiences of youth, but I had a boyfriend, and just that snippet of normality had me clinging on.’

‘I want to erase him from your memories. Wipe every memory of him using your body so selfishly.’

‘You already have.’ I smile, and he meets my eyes with surprise in his. I move forward onto my hands and knees and press my mouth to his.

‘Even before anything happened between us, you brought out a side of me nobody ever has. You look at me and touch me in ways nobody ever has.’ I kiss him again. ‘I can’t remember there ever being anyone else.’

He kisses me now, then pulls back, his hand coming up to grip my chin.

‘Now we can go upstairs.’

I Want This. I Want You

Doug

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