Page 46 of My Mistake To Make

They all glance my way in turn, and I feel my cheeks flush with heat.

‘Oh, honey. I got you.’

The store assistant takes my hand and leads me through the aisles, then comes to a stop in front of, well, exactly what Zoe asked for. The section is labeled, Beginner’s Toys, and I can’t believe that’s actually a thing.

My eyes widen. There are tubes and bottles, straps, and little wee tassel things. Amongst the fake penises and little rabbits, there are things that look like dog toys and some that look like Christmas decorations, and I’m horrified to realize that my mum’sback massagerwas not a back massager at all.

‘Do they all go in your…’

‘Not all of them.’ The assistant smiles sweetly. Oh, thank God. ‘Some of them go in your ass.’

Oh, my god.

A squeak escapes me, and Missy squeezes my hand as the gruesome twosome giggle like toddlers.

‘How about we start off with some gels, experiment with different sensations, and maybe a simple vibrator, nothing too scary. These are nice on the outside, and if you want to ventureinside, they’re not much bigger than a finger, so they’re a good starting point.’ The assistant points to a toy on the shelf, and I take a deep breath. She’s right. That’s not too intimidating. ‘Or there are these ones that are purely for your clit.’ Oh, Jesus, that word. I can’t imagine ever being able to say that so confidently.

‘We’ll take both,’ Bree says, and I turn to look at her. ‘Best to have options.’

‘I’m getting this.’ Zoe holds up a toy that I cannot for the life of me figure out, and Missy shrieks excitedly.

‘Oh yes, honey. So good, I swear. I have one—ten seconds, and I’m leaving my body, not sure if I’m coming back.’

What is my life right now?

They all fit. They’re all so different, but they all seem so at home here. Zoe with her tattoos on her hands, arms, and legs, her cowboy boots, denim shorts, and newly pastel pink hair that’s straightened so sharply I swear it could cut me. Bree with her long brown waves, high-waisted flared jeans, and cropped blouse, and Missy with her olive skin, hooped earrings, and skintight dungarees. They’re all smoking hot, sexually free, confident women… and then there’s me.

‘Hmm, I might just grab one of those too,’ Bree says, stepping away.

‘You’re going to want lube too,’ the assistant continues like I’m not on the verge of a complete meltdown. ‘Trust me, sweetie. Everythingis better with lube.’

‘Lingerie. You need to get lingerie,’ Zoe calls out, and I shake my head.

‘I’m single. What do I need that for?’

‘Cara, have you forgotten our mission today?’ Bree stands with her hands on her hips and looks every bit the police chief. ‘Today is not about anybody but you. If a girl can’t get herself dolled up in some fancy panties and make herself feel damn good, then what is the point in anything?’

‘Damn right,’ Zoe adds.

‘You need to learn how to feel good for you, Cara. Not anybody else.’

I look at these women all around me. My friends. The first people in my life to ever try and push me out of my comfort zone purely for my benefit, and I roll my shoulders back.

‘You know what, you’re right. Zoe. I’ll take one of those too, and yes to the lingerie, the lube, the finger thingy, and whatever else you think I need.’

‘That’s right, girl.’ Missy says, hip-checking me, and I smile. I can do this.

A week. That’s howlong the bag full of goodies that the girls convinced me to buy has been sitting in my top drawer, and I swear I can hear it taunting me. I was so full of gusto while I stood at the counter to pay for it. Now, not so much.

‘Fuck it.’ Who even am I? I don’t say fuck it. Forest Falls is changing me.

I push up from the bed to retrieve the bag, and without a second thought, I tip it all out onto the bed.

‘Holy shit.’

I bought three different vibrators—three. I’ve never even looked at a vibrator before. Two of them are rechargeable, and one needs batteries, so they also lay on the bed in the pile. There are two different types of lube, one that’s flavored, for some reason that I don’t understand, but Zoe insisted, a tingle gel, and a heat balm. There’s toy cleaner, lingerie, scented candles that will apparently help me get in the mood, and, rather terrifyingly,a dildo that suctions to tiles and mirrors and shower screens and that I had to close my eyes as Zoe slid it across the counter to be rung up.

As much bravado as I had at the time, now I look at it all with a ball of panic in the pit of my stomach, and I can’t imagine ever using any of it.

---