Page 16 of My Mistake To Make

Yes. I have all of those. What’s next?

Wetness.

I swallow hard. Something definitely feels a little different, but of course I’m wet. I’m in the bath.

In a rush, I push myself up and stand, then climb out and grab a towel. Too much unfamiliar for one day. New town, new home, new sensations… too much.

I pull on my pajamas, noting that the music next door has stopped, and I can no longer hear laughter. I lay on the bed, the TV still on but not watching anything. Instead, I stare at the ceiling feeling a little out of sorts. I don’t understand what just happened. I spent five years with Jamie and had sex with two men before him, but never felt aroused, not really. I mean, once I get into it, it’s fine, but have I been missing something and writing it off as a myth?

I grab my phone and open the search engine, relieved this place has Wi-Fi.

What does arousal feel like for a woman?

You will experience different stages of arousal. At first, you’ll become excited to be with your partner, perhaps you just started kissing or touching, or you find yourself in the same space as a person you’re physically or sexually attracted to, and your body responds. You will start to think a little differently. Your senses will heighten, taking in their appearance, their scent, and the feel of their skin. Your heart might start to race, and your breathing might start to quicken—note, this feeling of sexual excitement is not limited to time with a partner or with only one. You can feel this with multiple partners, and you can feel this alone and may start to think about masturbation at this point.

Oh god. I don’t. I mean, I haven’t. I swallow hard. I’m not an idiot or some naïve village numpty who thinks that women don’t touch themselves, but I just haven’t ever done it—haven’t ever thought about doing it.

As you move from excitement to arousal, the blood flow to the vagina increases. This makes the area swell and become more sensitive to touch, and this is where you will feel yourself getting wet.

I swallow again. Then read on.

The vagina produces lubricating fluid to prepare you for penetration by a penis, toys, or fingers.

Why am I reading this? I raise my hand up to feel the heat in my cheeks, but I’m too far down the rabbit hole to turn back now.

As you approach orgasm, pleasurable sensations will wash over you. You’ll notice your muscles tense up in preparation for release. The muscles in your vagina will contract, and your body will tense and release, spasming for the few seconds that the orgasm lasts. You may feel hot, out of breath, and dizzy andwill feel a welcome release that can leave you feeling happy, calm, and even sleepy afterward.

Well, that doesn’t sound nice. Hot, dizzy, out of breath?

I don’t like the sound of that at all, I think, as I drop my phone to the bed and then my shoulders drop, and I feel a frown creasing my brow.

I’ve never had an orgasm. I mean, I knew that, obviously, but the realization hits me with a sadness I’ve not felt before. I’ve never experienced any of that, any of it. Sex has always been about making my partner happy. I’ve never really considered that I might have needs that weren’t being met. I’m almost thirty, and I’veneverhad an orgasm. I’ve never even gotten close.

I turn onto my side and pull my knees up, wrapping my arms around them to make myself into a ball. Risk-averse in every aspect of my life, including taking care of myself. I never asked for more because I thought everything was just fine as it was. Why rock the boat?

Tears fill my eyes, and I squeeze them out. So many mistakes and so many missed opportunities. I can’t live that way anymore.

In One, Honey

Cara

Happily, I wake atthe decent time of ten a.m. I didn’t mean to fall back to sleep, but my revelations were pretty exhausting last night.

Today is a new day, the first of my new life, and I’m going to grab it with both hands.

I push myself out of bed and head for the bathroom. I do what I need to do in there, then open my case and find myself some clothes. It’s hotter than I was prepared for, so I pull outa sundress I’ve never actually worn. I smile at the purple fabric with wee little pink flowers all over it. It’s very sweet.

I dress, pull my hair into a ponytail and slip my feet into my trainers before grabbing my bag and heading out.

I have no idea where I’m going. Missy dropped me off right outside the bar, but her babysitter had called, saying her son was throwing up everywhere, so she had to bolt off. I didn’t see anything else of the town, and I have no idea how to get back up to the house, but I’ll figure it out. I have to.

I’ve barely made it across the car park between the cabins and the bar when I spot Zoe, the bar manager, maybe owner, unloading some boxes from the boot of a car.

‘Morning.’ I say as I approach, and she turns to me, smiling.

---