Page 105 of My Promise To Keep

‘I loved him.’

He shakes his head. ‘Nah. He would be fuckin’ devastated that you did this.’

‘He wouldn’t.’ I shake my head, and he laughs, but it’s humorless.

‘This would break his heart — that you betrayed him this way.’

‘It wouldn’t, Doug.’ Please, brother. Hear me. I need him to trust me on this.

‘This is the most disgusting kind of betrayal of a man who just wanted you to have everything.’

‘He wantedthis,’ I yell, my emotions getting the better of me, and my breath rushes from my lungs with the truth I didn’t want to set free.

‘What?’ Zoe’s small question has me turning to face her.

‘Munch.’ Her nickname is an exhale as she gazes up at me with confusion etched all over her face.

‘Leo, what did you say?’ I press my lips together, inhaling deeply. ‘Tell me.’

‘This is what he wanted. This is what he made me promise.’

I’m frozen as she steps back, hurt and confusion twisting her features, and the world stops turning. The only thing in motion is Zoe. Everything, everyone else, is frozen in silence as she holds up her hand, keeping me in place without words and with tears in her eyes. Stay there, don’t follow me —no words leave her mouth, but they don’t need to. I hear them anyway.

That Fuckin’ Word

Zoe

I’m cold. I wrapmy arms around myself as I shiver. Running away without my jacket wasn’t my smartest move, but here I am.

This is what he wanted. This is what he made me promise.

The words echo over and over, but I can’t make sense of them. I’m caught between two men: one dead, one very much alive. Both of them have my heart, but how can I trust that I truly have theirs?

I feel like a baseball card. He traded me. He was dying, so he passed his card on to his cousin. The worst part of all is I know how much Leo loved Luke. I know he would do anything for him. If Luke really fuckin’ made him promise this, Leo would do it for him. Am I just an obligation to him? I feel so stupid.

I look out across the water. The dying light of the day sparkles on the surface of the lake. We loved it here, all of us. We spent so many beautiful moments here together. I miss it.

I should leave. It’s getting darker and colder, and I know they’ll all be worried.

The unmistakable sound of a twig snapping underfoot behind me startles me, and I twist to see my brother walking towards me, hands up, defensively.

‘Leave.’ My voice trembles with emotion.

‘Honey, I’m sorry.’

He drops to sit next to me on the sand, and I shake my head.

‘Just go away, Doug.’

I love my brother so much. We are so close, and I know he loves me, but he had a hand in the heartbreak I’m feeling. He acted like a toddler who had his toys taken away, and it resulted in my heart being ripped out and stomped on.

‘Zo, I am so fuckin’ sorry for how I acted.’

When he doesn’t get a response, he exhales loudly, his head hanging in my peripheral view. I’m not looking at him right now. I can’t.

‘I don’t know why I freaked out the way I did. I always knew Leo loved you, and I guess I just built it up in my head to this big, impossible thing. I got used to watching you two when Luke was around, making sure you didn’t cross the line — seems I never stopped. Before he died, I was watching the boundaries. After, I always felt like I was on guard around you two. Afraid of you getting together because I didn’t want the dynamic to get fuckedup. I didn’t want either of you to get hurt. I didn’t ever want to have to hurt Leo.’

‘You never minded us being friends, and we were always close.’ I’m still not looking at him.

---