Page 61 of My Promise To Keep

‘Zoe, don’t let fear of losing him stop you having forever with him.’ My watery eyes meet Cara’s, and she shrugs. ‘I almost lost Doug because of my own insecurities. I thought I couldn’t trust him anymore, and it almost broke us for good. If my dad hadn’t pushed me to be brave and trust that he loved me, I don’t think I’d have come back to him, and that thought is unbearable because I’ve never known anything like the way we love each other.’ She swallows, and the tears that escape me now are ones of joy — that’s my baby brother she’s talking about. ‘Leo treasures your friendship and your history as much as you do, Zo. Trust that he wouldn’t risk it if he weren’t serious.’

‘Oh my god.’ I exhale the words.

‘You promised him you’d live, Zo.’ Bree squeezes my hand, and I bend forward at the hips, releasing a loud sigh, a breath of realization. I need to let go. I need to live, and I need to love… I think I already do.

Lying in bed withBree, listening to her ridiculously adorable little snores next to me, I stare up at the bedroom ceiling. Missy is in one guest room, and despite there being another, I’m sharing with my sister; I shared a womb with her — she’s my comfort blanket.

Bree shifts and turns over, and I take a deep breath, then shuffle down and try to get comfortable, but my mind is running wild. I reach for my cell phone and open the photos app, scrolling to the album markedfavorites.

I scroll through a stupid number of photos of my beautiful niece, Bowie, until I get to the picture I was looking for. I smile. Leo is laughing, hanging Bowie upside down by her ankles. I remember her shrieks of sheer joy and excitement at that moment. I remember Mama’s fussing that all the food she’d eaten was going to come back up. I remember the sweet way he turned her around and put her down with a kiss on the top of her head and then the way he’d looked up at me, for the briefest moment, a small smile lifting one side of his mouth before he turned and walked away. I swallow down the lump in my throat.

I saw Leo every day for the first twenty years of my life, then every week for the next four. When Luke died, Leo was right bymy side. Keeping him close kept Luke alive in a way, but before I knew it, it was Leo I craved instead of my husband.

In the dark and quiet, I can admit that truth. One I’ve never spoken aloud. I turn to look over at Bree. I love her so much. She’s my sister, my twin by sheer luck, and my best friend by choice, but even she doesn’t know that because I hid it from everyone.

I let things get weird and lost my best friend in the process. I smirk into the darkness — I can’t let Doug ever hear me call Leo my best friend — I mean, their bromance is adorable, but Leo and I, we always had our own thing. We had a connection that was just for us, just ours, and I threw it away. Not only did I fuck it up. I used the fuck up to push me headfirst into dating like it’s an Olympic sport, and I’m going for gold.

I’ve been on so many dates these past few months that I forgot what I was even looking for. I’m just stuck on a hamster wheel that I can’t find a way off.

I open my messages and scroll back to my neglected thread with Leo. We used to text every day. Now, the last messages between us are from months ago.

We had all got together once Cara came back to town and she and Doug went public. He and I had circled each other the whole day, putting on a show like nothing ever changed between us while feeling the reality of just how much it had.

Leo:Good to see you today, Munch x

I didn’t text him back. I had told myself I needed to keep my distance from him, and I was sticking to it, no matter how much I hated it. And I do hate it. I want him in my life. I wanthim.

Fuck it. Without letting myself overthink it, I start to type.

Me:I miss you. I hate missing you.

And I press send. My stomach churns with a mix of regret and anticipation as I see the dots of his reply, and I check the time. It’s the early hours of the morning, and he’s awake. I freeze as my phone vibrates in my hand.

Leo:You don’t have to miss me, munch. I’m right here!

Hot tears wet my eyes. He’s right there. He’s always been right there. I’m trying to muster up the guts to reply when my phone vibrates again.

Leo:I’ll wait until you’re ready. I’ll be right here, waiting!

The tears escape, rolling over my skin and into my hairline. Before I go to him, I need to know for sure what I want.

‘Hey, baby,’ I saybrightly as I lower myself to the ground and sit. It’s a nice morning. ‘The birds are loud today, huh?'

I pick at the blades of grass beneath me.

'Doug is getting tattooed today.' I sigh, thoughtfully. 'Leo’s shop is so beautiful, baby. I’m sure you know that.’ I take a breath. ‘I’m sure you know everything.’ I turn my face up to feelthe warmth of the sun on my skin and close my eyes for just a moment.

Moving so I’m leaning against his headstone, I stretch my legs out. I wore shorts today, and the sun on my skin feels nice. I look down, noticing the areas on my legs without tattoos — they feel naked, exposed. Picking up my bottle of water, I take a sip, then resume my focus on my legs.

‘Should I get more tattoos, baby?’ I ask absentmindedly. I’ve been putting it off because of who would be doing the tattooing. ‘My legs feel kind of bare.’

With my fingertip, I trace the outline of the butterfly above my knee, smiling for a moment as I remember the day I got it, just a few weeks before we got his diagnosis — before we knew our time was so limited.

‘I just wish you were here, Luke. I miss how happy we were. I bought a house, you know that, I’m sure. We’d be so settled there.’ I close my eyes for a second and try to imagine him in that space with me, but I can’t. ‘I can’t remember your voice.’ Emotion tightens my throat. ‘Or your laugh. I loved your voice so much, Luke. I remember that it was deep, even when we were kids, but I can’t hear it in my head anymore. I have videos, so I can call them up, but it’s been so long in the blink of an eye. We didn’t get enough time, baby.’ Closing my eyes, I let the tears in them fall.

‘I miss you so much, and I don’t miss you at all, and that’s the hardest part. You aren’t the first thing I think of in the morning anymore. Truth is, I hardly think of you at all. You were the love of my life, Luke, and now you barely cross my mind. I look at Mama and Merv, and I know it’s possible to love someone else after you lose your love, but I could never imagine it. I loved you so damn much, and I didn’t believe I could push your memory far enough back that there would ever be space for someone else. But I didn’t have to push, did I? Each day that you’ve been gone,you stepped back a little more. Would you have done that if you had known it was him?’

I shake my head. ‘I hope wherever you are, you can forgive me, Luke. I didn’t mean for it to be him. I keep trying to imagine how betrayed you would feel if we did this while you were alive — the two people you loved most in the world — it kills me to know how it would have torn you apart. But it’s not the same, right? You’re not here. You’re not coming back.’

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