Page 39 of My Promise To Keep

Zoe

‘Nope… Nope… Nope...’ Absentmindedly,I swipe through my matches, wondering what in the hell I must have told this app for these to be the men it thinks I’d be interested in. ‘Nope,ugh.’

With a frustrated growl, I throw the phone down onto the mattress and drop my head back. Swiping dating apps while horny is like grocery shopping while hungry. Bad decisions aregoing to be made. Without a second thought, I open the drawer in my nightstand and pull out my new best friend.

When Missy said this thing gets her off in ten seconds, she was not exaggerating. It is incredible, and we’ve become very well acquainted since I brought it home. I pull down my shorts and press the button. The hum of the rose gold toy in my hand is enough to get me excited, knowing what it promises to deliver. Lowering it between my legs and shuffling down a little, I close my eyes, and the buzz swiftly dies.

‘No,’ I call out. ‘Goddam, fuckin’ battery.’ I stare at the toy in my hand, feeling betrayed. It let me down — let’s not acknowledge that the lack of charge is my fault. I have other toys, but I’m pretty sure none of them have batteries. Damn, I need a man. I wouldn’t need to remember to plug him in.

Dropping the vibrator to the bed next to my discarded cell phone, I prepare to do this the old-fashioned way.

I take a deep breath and try to relax as I bring my fingers to my thighs and close my eyes once more.

I don’t have any problem getting off. I never did. I enjoy sex, I love sex toys and don’t usually go many days without at least one orgasm, but lately, something just isn’t feeling right. The dates aren’t going as well, and even my fantasies are betraying me.

All I want to do is close my eyes and release some of the tension I’ve been feeling, but my memories are determined to betray me because every time I get close, the green eyes and tattooed skin I’ve been trying hard to forget are all I can think about. I can’t do it. I can’t come to thoughts of Leo, knowing that I pushed him past the friend zone into the brother’s best friend only zone. I did that. I made that choice, and I have to stand by it.

It's been months, and he’s done as I asked. Apart from that awkward interaction at the club and a text asking me to keep hold of Bowie when Doug was behaving like a damn fool, Ihaven’t heard from him in any capacity outside of being Doug’s friend since I walked out of his place in tears.

I couldn’t breathe when I sat in my car. Saying those words to him, cutting him out of my life, broke my heart, but how long could we continue the way we had? All these feelings between us but no way forward when we wanted different things — one of us needed to call it, and it was never going to be him.

‘Ughh.’ I growl when I realize I’m doing it again, thinking of him instead of just losing myself to the need consuming me.

This isn’t working.

I yank my shorts back up and head into the bathroom to wash my hands. I need my sister.

‘Twinnie.’

Bree smiles as I enter her office, holding out my finger. She presses the tip of hers to it, and I drop into the chair opposite her, lifting my feet to rest on the edge of her desk.

‘To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?’

‘I can’t get off.’

She raises an eyebrow as she looks at me across the desk. ‘I love you honey, but I can’t help you with that?’

‘Ugh,’ I groan and lower my legs, leaning forward to drop my head to the desk. ‘I need to get laid.’ My voice is muffled as I stare at the floor, and she laughs.

‘Then get laid, Zo. You know you can easily, but I also know you never struggle to get off. This isn’t about sex.’

Raising my head, I narrow my gaze at her, and she fucking smirks.

‘You suck.’

Bree laughs. ‘Zoe, it’s been months. Don’t you think you’ve punished both of you long enough?’

My shoulders drop, and I lean back in the chair. She’s right. This isn’t about wanting sex, this isn’t about wanting to meet somebody, this is about Leo. I miss him. I hate missing him, and I’m going to see him this weekend when he comes into town for Bowie’s birthday, and that has me tied up in knots.

‘It doesn’t change anything, Bree. We still want different things.’

‘You assumed that then, and you’re assuming it now.’ I glare at her, and she laughs. ‘Suck it up, Zo. Let him back in.’

I’m nervous. Nervous tosee Leo. This is ridiculous.

I’ve thought about what Bree said about punishing him and myself all these months, and she’s right — not having him in my life is torture. Also, once I realized that, letting go during my alone time was no longer a problem. I let myself see his eyes in my mind. I let myself remember his touch, and I let myself come with his name on my lips.

‘Auntie Zo.’

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