Page 38 of Bad for You

He looks around the room as if surveying for danger, but doesn’t he realize that I’m the threat?

“What a mess you have made,tesoro mio,” he says, and his term of endearment catches me off guard.

“It’s not a mess,” I counter, dropping to one knee and yanking on the hair of the man who is on the brink of death. “It’s fucking art.”

I allow Lenny to see me for who I am as I slash my knife across the man’s throat and watch blood spurt from the wound. I watch the life drain from him and feel nothing. Only when he takes his last breath do I stand, but not before spitting on his corpse.

Lenny stands by my side.

The silence envelops us once again.

But I realize this is the first time he’s spoken to me without hatred. Actually acknowledged me. Is this what I have to do to repair the damage I did?

He links his fingers through mine, and I allow him to lead me to the en suite. He directs me to sit on the toilet, and I watch as he reaches for a washcloth and runs it under the water. Once it’s wet, he begins washing my face and chest with it.

The warmth feels heavenly, which is ironic, considering what he’s washing away.

He runs the washcloth under the water many times and meticulously cleans me. The gesture does something to me.

It fills my heart with something other than hate. Perhaps I’m not dead inside after all?

Once I’m clean, he coaxes me to stand.

I open my eyes and accept the mouthwash he offers. I gargle, and when I spit it into the sink, I’m thankful I can no longer taste him in my mouth.

Peering at myself in the mirror, I don’t look any different even though I am.

I just killed a man, a man who hurt others. A man who would have hurt me.

Does that make his death okay?

I grapple with that moral question as Lenny returns with my dress in hand.

I didn’t even hear him leave.

I redress and look exactly how I did before I entered this room. But nothing is the same inside. I don’t know if I passed Gianna’s test, but honestly, I don’t care. I’ll deal with the consequences and accept whatever punishment comes my way.

Lenny grips me by the shoulders and spins me to face him.

He is so much taller than I am.

But I don’t feel fragile in his presence, and that’s because he knows the damage I can cause.

He’s seen it.

But what he does next, I don’t understand.

The blood.

The violence.

The fury.

I do.

But as he presses his lips to mine, I cannot comprehend the feelings swimming inside my heart.

It hurts, akin to being kicked in the chest.

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