Page 103 of Bad for You

Closing my eyes, I extend my hand and brush my fingers against the tall chain-linked fence. Memories assault me of when I was trapped on the other side, wishing I was able to break free.

However, now that I’m on this side, I realize that freedom isn’t what it’s cut out to be. I’m as much a prisoner on the outside as I was on the inside. And that’s because I’m a prisoner within myself.

Counting in my head, I stop at fifty-seven. It’s here where I find the same small hole in the fence. I used to stare at it, mesmerized by the possibilities of this exit I could take. I could run away and never be found.

But where would I go?

No one wanted me. Not even my own mother.

Which is why I don’t understand why I have this sense of loyalty to her. Perhaps I have a heart after all.

Scoffing at that notion, I open my eyes and bend low to crawl through the hole. Thick flowering bushes hide it but no longer flourish as nothing grows on this barren land. I slip through with ease and keep to the shadows as I make my way through the open field.

I remember first laying eyes on Lenny as he rescued Cat. How that event changed my life forevermore. When I approach the spot where he once stood, I peer upward at the room that was once mine.

The attic.

Locked away from the world because I was unlovable.

My fingernails dig into my palms as I curl them into fists because, how can I love when I was only ever shown hate?

Sniffing away my tears, I continue my journey into the past that I need to slaughter to embrace whatever future I have. The doors are locked, but that doesn’t stop me as I retrieve my knife to pick it.

It pops open with ease.

It’s eerily silent when I step inside.

Memories overwhelm me, and I close my eyes, allowing my equilibrium to settle. I refuse to be a victim to them.

Reopening my eyes, I see nothing but revenge as I stroll down the hallway. I peer into the rooms of fellow orphans like I once was. I wonder if Father Merry has taken an interest in one in particular as he did with me.

This only fuels my need to do the most unspeakable things to him and do so with a smile.

It’s after ten, so he will be in the chapel, saying a prayer. I know this because once he made peace with God, he would come to me and drag me to the depths of hell where he violated mysoul, assuring I would never be accepted into the pearly white gates of Heaven.

He ensured I was to forever be sullied.

A whore.

A sinner.

Father Merry isn’t the reason I’m this way. I was born this way. But he played a part in shaping who I became…and now, it’s time I give grace because I embrace this woman I am with both hands.

This is who I am.

And this is the only thing I know.

Opening the door quietly, I see Father Merry kneeling behind a pew, his hands interlaced. The only light is from the candles burning softly on the altar. I make sure to lock the door behind me.

What a stage it will set.

Father Merry isn’t aware of my presence; I have Gianna to thank for that. She taught me well. Muted whispers pass through those sinful lips, lips which lied. Lips that defiled me in ways that are most despicable.

It only seems fair I return the favor.

Silver rosary beads are intertwined through his fingers, fingers that violated parts of me that left me incapacitated for days.

“No, please stop, it hurts.”

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