Page 13 of Once the Skies Fade

“I don’t think there’s anything any of us can really do, Sapphire,” Connor said, the first time I’d heard his voice since I’d arrived—and my breath caught at how similar he sounded to his brother. “We can’t force her to heal before she’s ready.”

“If only we knew what had happened. How he…” Lieke’s voice trailed off.

Not wanting to hear Connor’s speculation or his attempts to comfort his wife, I continued on down the hallway, gliding down the stairs as fast as I could.

The weather refused to match the solemn mood of those gathered for Brennan’s burial. A blue, cloudless sky looked down on the entire staff gathered in the small, gated garden in the far corner of the palace lawn. Brilliant sunshine warmed our skin and forced many to shield their eyes with lifted hands, as if they were saluting Brennan.

Squinting against the brightness, I stood between Isa and Lieke, folding my hands tightly at my waist and begging my shadows to stay hidden. I heard none of King Durand’s address, nor Connor’s, too conscious of everyone’s eyes on me especially Lieke’s, who stole regular glances in my direction as if I wouldn’t notice.

This isn’t about me, though.

This is for Brennan.

Who cares if they look at me or feel sorry for me?

I should be able to listen to their words and honor my husband.

Shouldn’t I?

Unfolding my hands, I moved to wrap my arms around myself to hold myself together, but my shadows shot to the surface of my palms, forcing me to clasp my hands together again. I couldn’t let my shadows out, couldn’t let any of them know who I was, what power I possessed.

They’re family!

I should be able to trust them.

The thought immediately conjured a wave of guilt that stole my breath with a gasp, and I dropped my chin, hoping they’d write it off as normal grief, hoping they wouldn’t realize how horrible a wife I had been to not trust my husband with my secret.

What in the stars is wrong with me?

I’ve lived through grief already. I can handle more. I can do this.

I can do this.

I can.

For Brennan.

Brennan. My husband. Dead. Gone.

Forever.

My shadows itched to be freed, yearning to hide me and comfort me amidst the scrutiny and the incessant torment of my heart, but I held them at bay with every wring of my fingers. Lieke, with all of her well-intentioned sweetness, reached for my hands, but I jerked them away from her. The pained look in her eyes shot another fiery dart of guilt into my gut.

I’m sorry, Lieke. I’m so sorry.

The words I couldn’t utter echoed through my head. All around me, tear-stained faces stared at his grave, shoulders shaking with sobs, arms wrapped around one another. Wearing their grief for all to witness. While I stood here trying to conceal mine. Lieke glanced my way again, but I couldn’t meet her eyes.

I could only stand there as everyone whispered their final farewells to Brennan, staring straight ahead as they approached to offer their sympathies. Beside me, Brennan’s family expressed their gratitude over and over while I stood there trapped by my own selfish need to not break down. Why couldn’t I let myself be vulnerable? Why couldn’t I be like everyone else, and show my grief so easily?

No. Grief is different for everyone. It’s personal and private.

Brennan would understand.

Brennanhadunderstood. When my parents had died, he’d let me grieve as I needed to, not once questioning why I didn’t cry openly or why I didn’t look as sad as others. He knew me, accepted me, loved me.

My legs tingled, my feet antsy to flee. My shadows stirred, licking against my hidden palms.

I couldn’t stay.

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