Page 93 of That One Moment

Me:I get that your instinct is to push me away but that’s not happening, okay? I love you. I love you. I love you. If you believe nothing else, believe that.

The message shows as delivered and read almost instantly and in the space of a few heartbeats, he’s replied.

Caiden:I believe you.

Tension bleeds from my shoulders, and I roll them then stretch my neck before climbing back into my car.

Caiden:Are you coming back?

My stomach twists reading those four words. Knowing full well the times his mother never returned, knowing his twin is gone for good and knowing that Caiden pushes people away out of fear, when he really needs them most. It’s ingrained in him to think people won’t come back for him.

Me:Nothing can keep me away from you. I have one thing to do and then I’m coming home and I’m never leaving you again.

Me:I love you.

I throw my phone into the glove box, not waiting for a reply, too desperate to get to my destination, do what needs to be done and get home to my man.

After arriving at Sage’s place late last night, I struggled to sleep, managing only a few hours before getting up and driving here. I sat in my car until the sun rose, and the groundskeeper opened the gates just after seven. Now, kneeling down in front of Cooper’s grave, I ignore the cold, wet soil that seeps into my jeans and run my fingers through the long grass at the base of his tombstone. Rain hits the ground in a slow drizzle and a cold wind brushes against my damp clothing, making me shiver. The sun tries valiantly to push through dark clouds, shrouding the cemetery in an eerie glow.

“Hey Coop,” I say, then look around as if waiting for him to reply but am met with silence. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come and see you. I didn’t handle it well when you died. Truth be told, I fell apart.” My throat tightens and my eyes sting but I continue, not wasting anymore time in saying what needs to be said. “I was angry, at you, at Caiden, at myself. I didn’t see a way forward without you.”

Taking a deep breath, I continue. “I loved you, Cooper. The moment I saw you, I knew it. I wanted….I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to marry you and wake up next to you every day. I had all these plans for us. Always and forever - that’s what we said. I never considered that we wouldn’t get forever, but then you were gone and just like that our future ended. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry my love wasn’t enough to keep you here, I wanted it to be. Oh God Cooper, I wanted it to be enough to save you.”

Tears fall and mix with the rain on my cheeks. I place one hand on the top of Cooper’s gravestone.

“I spent three years as this shell of a person - one I don’t think you would have liked. But then something unexpected but amazing happened. Or actuallysomeonehappened.” I wipe the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand. “Caiden came back into my life - I think it was right when we needed each other the most, and I fell in love with him. I’minlove with him. I can picture you laughing now, Coop, because of how the two of us behaved towards each other back then.” I chuckle through the tears, imagining Cooper’s infectious laugh.

“But it’s real, so real it scares me sometimes. Here's the thing, he doesn’t think I can love him, not fully. Not until I say goodbye to you. I know my feelings for you changed but Caiden thinks I’m holding on to our past, and he deserves someone to love him with every part of themselves and I want to give him that. I’mgoingto give him that.”

I move closer so that both my hands are on the flat top of his gravestone and then rest my head against the cold, wet marble.

“I saw the way you loved him, so I’m choosing to believe that you would be happy for us. I choose to look at the stars and know you’re smiling down at us, rooting for us.”

I sit back on my knees, my jeans completely soaked and my teeth chattering.

“You’d be so proud of him, Coop. He’s strong, and he’s brave, and he’s funny, and he has the biggest heart.” I’m crying, but my lips tip up at the same time. “He’s perfect and I’m going to love him the way he should be loved. I’ll love him for both of us and I’ll never let him feel alone.”

My fingers trace his name, his date of birth and the date of his death. Underneath I read the words,Forever Loved. Never Forgotten.

“I’m saying goodbye now. Goodbye to the future I once dreamed of for us. Goodbye to the love we shared.”

Digging in my pocket, I take out the ring, kiss it once, then place it on the top of his tombstone.

“You’ll always be my brother, my friend, and my first love. I’ll never forget you, Cooper. I hope wherever you are, that you’re at peace and happy.”

Standing, I clean my hands on my jeans and wipe the floppy, wet hair from my face, then I turn around and with one final look behind me, I walk back to my car.

The wind picks up, singing through the trees that run the length of the graveyard, like sentries watching over the dead before the air goes still and silent. If I believed in signs, I’d say it was Cooper’s way of telling me he’s happy for us. It makes me think of the last dream I had of him. Of the winding road, and the dark forest and the bright smile on his face as he told me that it’s all going to be okay.

It’s time to go home.

But first, there’s one other thing I want to do before I see Caiden again.

Chapter Forty

Caiden

The fluorescent lights in the supermarket make the pain behind my eyes escalate and the cheery music floating out the speakers does nothing to improve my sour mood. I look down at my basket of groceries. Two frozen pizzas, a bottle of vodka and a bar of wholenut chocolate. After spending the day cleaning the house from top to bottom, trying to gain back some semblance of the control I lost last night, I left the house to get some air. Our flat is too quiet without Jamie in it. Without the clattering of pans as he tries to cook, and his singing and heavy footsteps. He’s been gone a day and I already hate the emptiness.

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