Page 91 of That One Moment

“I forgot about it, I swear. I don’t even remember where I put it. I promise Caiden, I forgot. I’m not holding on to Cooper. He was my past, you are my future.”

His eyes are wet, matching my own. I refuse to cry though, so I swat away the wetness on my cheeks.

“I think you are, Jamie.”

He shakes his head muttering, “No, no, no,” over and over.

“One day you were planning to marry him and the next day he was gone. When did you say goodbye? Because I know you haven’t been to his grave - I heard your mum say that. I didn’t know why at the time, but I see it now.”

He’s quiet, his shoulders hunched and tears freely flowing.

“You couldn’t say goodbye. You held on to this and Cooper held on to your heart.” I shove the ring into his chest, letting it drop when I pull my hand away and push past him. “Iwanted your heart, Jamie. I wanted you to love me the way you lovedhim. No! Fuck it. I wanted you to love me more than you loved him.”

“I do,” Jamie cries. “I love you so much, in ways I never loved Cooper.”

“How can that be true?” I’m yelling now, breath puffing out of my lungs in painful gasps. “How can you love me when you never stopped loving him? I hated myself for wanting you, I felt like I was betraying him but you know what I realised, what you helped me see?” I don’t give him a chance to talk. “I realised that I deserve to have someone love me with every bit of them. I thought that was you.”

I bang my chest, then rub at the ache. “I deserve all of you. I deserve not to be your second choice.”

Hanging my head, I say the words that break me more than I imagined possible. “I can’t do this.”

“Caiden, no please.” Jamie’s in front of me in two steps, but I can’t look at him. “You have my whole heart, you do. Please believe me.”

I fuckingknewthis would happen. I knew how he felt about Cooper and I ignored it because I wanted him for myself. I’m selfish, and this is what happens to selfish people.

“No,” he says again. “Don’t do this. Don’t push me away. Please don’t do this.” His warm hands find my cheeks and he leans his forehead against mine. I close my eyes so I don’t have to look into his pleading eyes. “Please.”

“When I saw the ring, I knew I’d say yes.” I choke on the words. “Because I saw the rest of my life with you, but what if you were only ever made to love him?”

Jamie kisses my forehead and I lock away the feel of his lips on my skin in case I never feel it again.

“What if I was made to love you both? At different times and in different ways. What if everything we’ve done and been through since the day we met was to bring us to right here, to thismoment where I love you more than anything and you love me in return?” He tries to lift my face again but I pull out of his hold, putting an ocean of distance between us.

“I dont….I don’t know. I need…I need some space to breathe.” I step away until my back hits the wall and I slide down it, then lace my fingers through my hair and bury my face against my knees.

“We’re not over. I refuse to let that happen. You were right about one thing, I never said goodbye, but not because I didn’t want to let go of him. I let go of Cooper the minute I knew I wanted you more than my next breath. The day my heart told me it was you, only you.”

Jamie’s footsteps retreat and there’s shuffling throughout the flat, but I don’t look up until he speaks again.

“But you’re right. This,” he holds up the ring, ”is a part of the past I held on to, even without realising it, and I’m going to fix that. We’re not ending, Caiden Carrington.” Jamie kneels in front of me. “Every breath and every heartbeat, remember?”

He kisses the top of my head, and that’s when I notice he has his shoes on.

“We’re not over,” he repeats. “I’m never letting you go. I’ll make this right, I promise.” Then he walks out of the room and out of the apartment, and I don’t move from my spot on the floor until I’m cold and shivering.

When I finally get my legs to move, a burst of energy masked as anger rockets through me. I rip Jamie’s bedside drawer out, emptying the contents around our room and onto our bed. Sad, disappointed, furious tears spill down my face as I kick at his things before turning to my own drawer and repeating the actions until I’m panting and gasping for air. My knees hit the ground when the anger finally subsides, giving way to exhaustion. The photo from my birthday catches my attention, and without picking it up, I trace a finger over Cooper’s face.

“I miss you, Coop.” My voice croaks. “I learned how to live without you.” I smile through the painful confession. “I think you would be proud of me. I’m sorry if I hurt you. But I’m not sorry I fell in love with him.” My voice drops to a wobbly whisper, “You loved him too, so I think you’d understand.” Cooper’s peaceful face looks back at me, and I lift the photo and cradle it to my chest then look around at the mess I created.

Too tired to put things back in order, I climb into bed, slide over to Jamie’s side and suck in his scent from the sheets, wondering what comes next for us. Or if there even is an us.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Jamie

The rain doesn’t let up, making the driving conditions less than ideal. My windscreen wipers work at full power, but water still obscures my vision as I speed down the motorway. I know I should have waited till morning, until it was light out before leaving, but I needed to go, needed to make things right immediately. Seeing the defeated, heartbroken look on Caiden’s face was too much for me to bear. That I put it there stings like a wound covered in salt - the pain piercing and inescapable.

I wasn’t lying when I said I forgot about the ring. When I moved in with Caiden, I tossed my belongings from our parents’ place into a box and then into that drawer, not giving any of it a second thought. It’s no excuse though - I should have gotten rid of the ring a long time ago, the same way I should have said goodbye to Cooper before things got serious with Caiden. If I’m honest with myself, I should have let him go long before I even met Rachel.

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