Page 80 of That One Moment

“Not enough though,” Jamie replies, the tips of his fingers inching below the waistband. I place my hand on top of his to stop him going any lower.

“How about we go home and change that?”

Chapter Thirty-Five

Jamie

“How’s uni going?” Mum asks, as she takes two mugs out of the cupboard and turns the kettle on. Caiden and his dad are out Christmas shopping, and Mum and I have spent the morning wrapping gifts and baking gingerbread - a tradition we’ve had since I was three.

“It’s good, full on but good. I’ll need to reapply with some companies for the work experience placement but Caiden's boss said he has some contacts for me.”

After my phone call to the university, shortly before the new term started, they got back to me and offered me a spot in their Architectural degree programme. Late access isn’t always available so I was lucky to be given the space. All of my credits were still valid from my previous years and transferring them to the university down the road from the flat was easy. The bonus is that, apart from being close by, all of my classes are done by noon which has made it easier to take on a part time job at a local cafe.

“I’m proud of you, Jay,” Mum says, adding a generous heap of cocoa powder into our mugs and then pouring on hot water, milk and finally topping with cream and crushed gingerbread. We take a seat in the lounge and chat while we sip on our drinks. She tells me about her book club and then about the New Year’s party our neighbours are hosting.

“Are you sure you boys can’t stay for New Year’s?” she asks, wiping hot chocolate from her lips.

“Yes, Mum. Darius is going to pop in and feed Ford for us over Christmas, but then he’s got his birthday party on New Year’s Eve. We’re not chancing the trains on the 31st so we’ll be off the day before. ”

“Is Caiden still not happy getting in a car?” she asks, both of us knowing the journey by car is far quicker than by train.

I sit forward and put my mug on the side table. “No. And I’m not pushing it. He’s been doing really well lately and his therapist agrees that it’s not something that needs to be rushed. If he never gets in a car again, then that’s fine. He’s happy, Mum. And so am I.”

Happy is an understatement to how I feel now that Caiden and I are officially together. Some mornings, I wake up before him and let my eyes map his body, from the curves of his hips to the line of his jaw, marvelling at how amazing it is to know that he’s mine. With a single touch he sets off an inferno inside me, making me shiver from the intensity of my need for him. It’s not purely a physical reaction but a deeply emotional one too.

I rub a hand through my hair, which has grown longer than I usually keep it, then scoot a little more forward on the sofa.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about something while we’re alone.” My stomach flutters and I fiddle with my hands in my lap.

“What’s on your mind, Jay?” Mum asks, leaning forward to mirror my position in her seat opposite me.

Wetting my lips, I say, “Do you think I've been wrong this whole time? That I'm some silly romantic believing everyone has only one true love?” If I’m honest, I think I stopped believing it myself a few months ago but for some reason, I need to know what she thinks. Even if this is a topic we’ve disagreed on in the past, my mum has always been the person I turn to for advice.

“Ah, I was wondering when we’d end up having this conversation,” she muses. “You know I've always believed our hearts are big enough to fall in love more than once. And I still don't know where you got that idea from, but you've stood by it for as long as I can remember. Even after your father and I divorced. You were so adamant when we split that Dad and I had not really been in love because being in love was a forever thing. You’d gotten so angry with me when I told you that that’s not how the heart works. But you were young and stubborn and you had this idea in your head and as you grew up, you held steady to that belief.”

Mum clears her throat and looks to the side and I follow her line of sight to a photo of Cooper hanging on the wall. My heart aches and I look away. “When you met Cooper, you told me he was the one. Your soulmate. I hoped you were right, I hoped he would be by your side forever, but when we lost him, it broke my heart thinking that you might never open yourself up again to the possibility of love.”

She moves to take a seat next to me, resting a hand on my leg. “I’d like to think that in all of this, we’ve both been wrong.”

Meeting her gaze, I say the words I’ve been too afraid to say. “I think I’m in love with Caiden, but I’m afraid.”

Mum’s hand on my leg gives a gentle squeeze. “What are you afraid of?”

“What if loving him means that I never really loved Cooper? It makes me sick to even consider that. And what if Caiden somehow slips through my fingers too? I’ll never survive.”

I’m certain what I felt for Cooper was love, but at the same time, the feelings I have for Caiden aren’t the same. They feel stronger, deeper, and they consume me in the best possible way. But they also have me questioning everything I’ve ever believed about love.

Mum sighs, “My sweet little prince, you've always had these fanciful ideas of romance, but life isn't a fairytale. You fall in love and if you're lucky, it lasts a lifetime and if it doesn't, you find it in you to fall in love again. And when you do, that doesn’t erase the people you loved before, if anything, it makes you appreciate the new love you have even more.”

My hands are restless in my lap, so she takes both of them in hers as she continues.

“You loved Cooper but that doesn't mean you can't fall in love again. I loved your dad and I love Duncan. I loved them both at different times and each in their own ways. Loving Caiden doesn’t cancel out the love you had for Cooper.”

Silent tears fall down my cheeks despite blinking rapidly to try to stop them.

“Love isn’t a finite, tangible thing that we give away once and then it’s gone. It’s infinite and renewable and available in abundance. And it is scary because we don’t know what’s around the corner, but you can’t let fear hold you back.”

Sitting in silence, I take in her words, letting them tumble around in my brain until they make sense for me and for how I feel. I’m not ashamed to admit that I was wrong - that my thinking was some fairytale I’d concocted in my own mind. What she’s saying makes sense, this feeling inside meislove. It was love for Cooper and it’s love for Caiden, only different.

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