Page 75 of That One Moment

Three weeks - or more specifically twenty three days ago - Jamie moved from Devon to Kingston, taking up residence inmy bed. I fucking love him in my space, love clinging to him like a needy koala, love waking up to his hard body against mine and to his scent invading every part of this small flat. I love our slow and easy conversations and the feel of his laughter when my head rests on his chest, the rumbling a soothing, peaceful balm.

But a Jamie with no purpose, is a Jamie who is also pretty frustrating.

“You’re up!” he shouts over the sound of the music, his strong arms pulling me into him.

“Could you turn it down a bit? I’ve woken up with a bloody headache.”

He clicks something on his phone and the room falls into silence.

Jamie kisses my temple. “Sorry, sweetheart. Let me grab you paracetamol and some breakfast,” he offers.

“No, I’m good. I need to go to work soon, I’ll grab something on the way.”

He looks at me like a kicked puppy for refusing the….I want to say pancakes he’s made, but he only gives a small nod and places another chaste kiss on my temple.

“Are you going to speak to the uni today? There’s only a few weeks until the new school year,” I ask, as I brace myself for the reply, knowing that this is a sensitive topic for him. But quite honestly, we need it. He’s not the same since he moved here. Without a job or any future prospects he does very little besides sit at home or go running. I’m afraid he’s going to resent me soon enough.

“I will get to it,” he snaps, not for the first time when this subject is brought up. He drops his hold on me and moves to leave the room. I stop him, with a hand on his forearm.

“You’ve said that every day this week, soon you won’t have the opportunity to get in this year.”

He rounds on me, his nostrils flaring. “And I will, when I’m ready. Stop pushing me.”

“Someone has to! For fucks sakes, Jamie. It was always your dream to be an architect, you have no reason not to enroll and finish your course. You were so close. Why all this pushback?”

“I don’t know, okay? I think I forgot that part of myself somewhere along the line.”

“Then find it again! You can’t keep sitting around doing nothing with your life. You’re not even thirty yet and you’ve quit on yourself already. We were meant to belivingand I’m the only one doing that right now!” I yell. He startles, his eyes widening and my stomach sinks.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” I say, reaching out a hand to him.

“Yes, you did. Look at us,” he chuckles bitterly. “The tables have turned, you’re the one with your life together and I’m the huge fucking mess. Who’d have thought it?” He covers his mouth as soon as the words are out but it’s too late. My body burns with anger.

“Fuck you, Jamie, I don’t have time for this.” I grab my keys and wallet off the counter and turn to leave.

“Running away as usual,” he states.

“I’m going to work, because some of us have things going on outside of this flat.”

I knew since the day I saw him again that he was putting up a front about his life. I saw it in his sadness in his eyes when he mentioned dropping out and in the way he changed the subject if ever his job came up. A part of me hoped that he’d find his way again with his move here, but all he’s done is ignore it and it leaves me feeling like an ass for pushing him.

“Phone them, or don’t, that’s up to you, but I have to go.”

I don’t wait for Jamie to say anything more before I walk out the door.

My day goes from bad to worse from then on out. My headache doesn’t dissipate and some lady bumps into me as I’m walking out of the coffee shop, sending my hot drink flying. She apologises and offers to buy me a new one but I say no and storm off to work where things do not improve.

“This fucking machine!” I yell, banging my hand against the coffee machine in the staff kitchen.

“Someone’s cheery this morning,” my boss Hank remarks as he enters the room to find me taking my frustrations out on the machine that’s been at the company longer than I have.

“Sorry, boss. Bad morning.” I give up on getting any caffeine in me and instead pour a glass of water.

I don’t always work in the office but am thankful that today I’m working on a design and not having to do any physical labour. It feels like the kind of day where I’d end up breaking something accidentally.

“I’d ask if you want to talk about it but, I know that’s highly unlikely.”

I muster a smile for the man who took me in all those years ago without any of the qualifications needed to do the job. He told me once that he’d lost his wife only two months before I walked through his doors and he saw in me the same grief and aimlessness he felt in himself. Offering me a job, he said, had been his way of acknowledging that life has to move on.

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