Page 63 of That One Moment

What I want -whoI want - is hours away, in our home town, with a family and a life I could be a part of. Jamie has said it time and time again, that they want me there. The only thing stopping me is…me. I am the barrier to all the good things that I could have in my life.

A family. Jamie.

For no one else but myself, I make the decision to stop running. Three years has been a very long time. Enough time.

“We're not doing this anymore, Oliver. Lose my number and don't call me again,” I say with finality.

Trudging into the bathroom, I strip out of my clothing and start the shower. I try not to think about the times I shared this space with Jamie, as I wash my hair and soap up my body. Instead, I focus on the tools my therapist gave me and the discussions we've had about worry and anxiety, especially aboutthings I have no control over, like my father’s reaction to seeing me.

It’s not easy, and I end up sitting against the wall of the shower, letting the discomfort and the fear wash over me along with the warm water. My pulse races and nausea churns my stomach, but I don’t push any of it away. Instead, I acknowledge that the unwelcome sensations in my body are just a way of my mind trying to protect me. I’m in control and I’m okay.

With a new determination that is more false bravado than anything else, I finish getting dressed then meet Darius in the kitchen. He opens his mouth to speak but I shake my head. “Oliver’s never happening again.”

Relief flashes across his features. “You scared me there for a sec. I was not looking forward to fighting him off if you invited him over.” He grins and then adds, “Anyway, moving on, pizza will be here soon and I thought tomorrow, we could go to the beach.”

“I think….I think I’m going to go home tomorrow.”

Darius smiles, like a proud parent watching their child graduate - big and unguarded.

“Good for you, babe.”

“Do you think my dad will really understand why I left? Or that he’ll forgive me for all the years I was an absolute shit towards him?” I ask Darius. I want to ask Jamie, I want to sink into his arms and tell him everything that’s on my mind, but I’m tackling one thing at a time now. Before I can even think about what happens next for me and him, I need to know where I stand with my father.

“I think you owe it to yourself to find out,” Darius says.

“That’s what I’m going to do. No matter how scared I am.”

“What about Jamie?”

“If his last message is anything to go by, he's pissed at me. I miss him and I want to be with him but there’s a lot ofunknowns. He may still be with his girlfriend and I think he’s still in love with Cooper, so there’s every chance he doesn’t have space for me in his life.” Or heart. “Coop told me once that Jamie is an old romantic that believes everyone has one soulmate, one true love. If Cooper was his, where does that leave me?”

Darius studies my face, his blue eyes sparkling. “You’re in love with him.”

I shake my head from side to side, but soon enough change direction. “Even thinking about Jamie and love in the same sentence wracks me with guilt. It feels like a huge betrayal.”

“You’re not betraying anyone, Caiden.” The smile drops from Darius’s face and settles into a stern glower. It's not often that he full names me, either. “I’m going to sound really fucking harsh now but you can take it. Cooper is dead. He’s not coming back. He cannot love Jamie any more and you cannot betray him because he’s not around to be betrayed. Your twin loved you - I didn’t even know him but I am certain of that. Can you honestly tell me, he’d rather you be unhappy than in love and happy with his ex?”

I close my eyes and picture my brother. His blue eyes, so much like mine but filled with a lust for life I’ve never experienced. His wide smile, all teeth and rosy cheeks. His affectionate touches and boisterous laugh. The way he held me when I was falling apart and the way he promised to always be there to keep me afloat. The way he loved Jamie so honestly and wholly with every bit of him.

Looking at Darius through blurry eyes I shake my head. “I think he’d have wanted us both to be happy.”

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Jamie

Nova grunts in her sleep and I pat her back while singing softly. No one told me that newborns sound like little pigs when they’re sleeping, so the first few times were disconcerting, but now I’ve got this whole uncle thing down and I understand all her different noises and cries. With a sandwich and a glass of orange juice on a tray, and Nova strapped to my chest in a baby carrier, I join Sage in the lounge.

She's sitting on the sofa, her legs tucked up under her and a parenting book resting on her lap. Sage smiles at me softly and I resist the urge to hug her tightly. I'm so bloody proud of my best friend. Nova's birth was hard work on her - a long labour that was too early and ended up in an assisted delivery. Thankfully though, they only stayed in hospital for five days before returning home. Now, Sage and Nova visit me at my place – well, my parents' place – all the time, making themselves at home like they're part of the family. Which fits, because they are my family.

“You don’t have to wait on me, and you can put her down, Jay,” Sage says, taking the tray.

Wrapping my arms around Nova, I hug her possessively. “We’re fine. Aren’t we, little baby star?” I kiss the top of her soft head and she grunts in response, nuzzling against my chest.

Sage laughs before taking a sip of the orange juice and a large bite of her sandwich.

“You say you’re fine, but I get this sneaky suspicion that you’re using my kid as a way of distracting yourself from life,” Sage jokes, and I open my mouth in mock outrage. “Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all the extra help but I’m also not stupid. I know what you’re doing.”

“And what am I doing? Besides being the best uncle in the world?” I say the last bit while looking down at the scrunched up face resting on my chest.

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