Page 61 of That One Moment

“I’m coming, I’ll be there as fast as I can. But Mum, I’m still up in London, it could take me some time. Stay with her?”

“I will, I promise. Drive safe.” Mum hangs up and I try Caiden’s number, only to hear it ringing from the kitchen. A quick check confirms what I already worked out - he’s left his phone on the counter.

“Shit!” I yell into the empty flat.

I can still smell his amber scent on my skin as I pack up my things then wait for Caiden to return. When he still hasn’t returned after half an hour, I make the hard choice to leave. I don’t know if I’ll even make it to Sage before the baby is born but I can’t wait around any longer.

Digging through a drawer in his room, I find a pen and a sticky note and jot down a short message.

Sage went into labour. I had to go. I’ll call you.

Then I walk out the door, ignoring the sound of our little bubble shattering.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Caiden

“You look like shit,” my best friend says as I open the door to him. “And open a fucking window, I feel high just standing here.” Darius eyes the joint in my hand before pushing past me and forcefully opening as many windows as he can. The sounds of buses and passersby filter into my small apartment along with the scent of wet tar and rainfall.

Ignoring his whinging, I resume my seat on the sofa and inhale a lungful of weed, enjoying the way my head feels light and fluffy, then deposit the remains of it into an empty soda can.

“I’ve given you time to mope, but enough is enough. Get up and shower, you stink.” He kicks my ankle and I glare at him, the same way Ford does to me when he doesn’t want to be disturbed.

“I smell fine,” I reply, rolling my head on the back of the sofa. The hoodie I’m wearing no longer smells like Jamie but I still hate cleaning it, each wash taking away more and more of him. God, I’ve turned into such a sap. When did that happen?

Darius sighs and sinks down next to me. “It’s been three weeks, babe. Have you considered that maybe, it’s not such a bad idea for you to go home for a bit? You obviously miss him.”

“I don’t.” Turning my head to the side, I take in Darius’s expression. The wrinkles on either side of his eyes, the tight knit of his brows and the firm set of his jaw. He doesn’t have a deep groove on his forehead when he frowns. Not like…. “He left and I’m fine with it. I’m not even thinking about him.”

His eyebrow rises impossibly high right before he punches me in the shoulder. “Don’t fucking lie to me. I’ve barely seen you since he left. Your messages are short and clipped and you look and smell like something dead that Ford brought in. It’s okay to miss the guy.”

“Remind me why you’re my best mate again?” I respond wryly, rubbing at the spot where he hit me. He scowls, all fire and ferocity like a tiger cub. “Fine. But I’m not lying. I’m notonlythinking about Jamie.”

He remains silent, waiting for me to elaborate, which I do when the silence grows too uncomfortable. “If you must be so bloody nosey, I’ve been thinking about what I’d say if I saw my dad again.”

“And?”

“And, I honestly can’t think of anything that would be enough.”

Darius tips his head until it’s resting on my shoulder. His blond hair smells like apples, which only makes me think of the way Jamie smells. Like Earl Gray tea and sleepy mornings.

“Maybe showing up is enough. He’s your dad. He’s not going to expect a long apology speech or a grand gesture. Why not go and see what happens?”

“You make it sound so easy,” I reply. I've thought about it so often over the past few weeks and it terrifies me. The idea of showing up back home, and looking my dad in the eye forthe first time since Cooper died makes my lungs tighten, that drowning sensation making it hard for me to breathe.

“Because it is,” Darius continues, seemingly unaware of the turmoil ripping through me like a tornado. “Sitting around here all day isn’t changing anything. It’s like Jamie left and you got stuck.”

His insinuation that Jamie leaving affected me that much only adds to the weight holding me under, even if there is some truth to his words. I’ve been fine without Jamie for three years, I can be fine without him again.

“I’m not stuck,” I say, pushing Darius off my shoulder and standing up. “I go to work, I go to therapy. I’m putting in all the work to feel better about Cooper and my parents and everything that happened.” My voice breaks and I choke on a painful intake of air. My hands move over my thighs, the rubbing motion an attempt to soothe my now racing pulse. My thighs sting as I rub harder, feeling the instant one of the newer scabs opens and blood drips down the inside of my leg.

Darius flies off the couch and comes towards me. “Caiden, hey. It’s okay.” He pulls me closer and rubs my arms. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Take a breath, okay. Breathe with me.” He starts directing me to inhale and exhale and as the minutes pass, my heart stops trying to escape my body and my lungs expand without hurting.

“I’m sorry if it seemed like I was pushing you, babe. I just want you to be okay.” Darius’s voice is warm and comforting. Inside I know he’s right. I’ve been moving on autopilot for three weeks - going to work, seeing my therapist and doing the homework she gives me. I’ve taken my meds, eaten healthily and haven’t touched any alcohol. I feel good but I also feel anchored and not in the way that makes you feel safe but in the way that makes you feel trapped…..stuck.

“And I’m certain he didn’t want to leave,” Darius adds, trying to make me feel better about Jamie's absence.

My skin itches, exhaustion heavy in my limbs, but at the same time I can't stop myself from shaking out of his hold and pacing the length of the room.

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