Page 51 of That One Moment

And fuck me sideways, this was not what I expected. Butterflies take flight in my chest as the air is sucked from my lungs.

He’s wearing my hoodie.

Stepping across the threshold, I grab his hips and push him until we’re both inside, the door slamming shut behind us. Caiden gasps as I drag him closer to me and press my nose to the spot where my hoodie meets his collarbone. He wore my hoodie on the way back from the hospital out of necessity, but this feels different. This feels like something hechoseto do. A part of me he wanted to keep even after he told me to leave.

“This is mine,” I say, moving one hand up his side and over his chest until I’m holding the fabric in my hand.

“I know.” Pulling back I take in the dip of his blue eyes as they settle on my lips. He licks his own once then his eyes meet mine, a black curl falling in front of his face. “Why are you here, Jamie?”

It’s the same question he asked me last night - a question I’m prepared for now. Only, all those words I had carefully planned and practiced are gone like a puff of smoke dissolving into thin air.

“To say goodbye.” My hand squeezes his hip tighter and his own hands come to rest on my waist. “To say I’m sorry and then to go home.”

Caiden nods. “Then say what you came to say.” His leg slides between mine and those butterflies whip up into a frenzied flight at the same time my cock twitches. “Tell me goodbye.” His eyes don’t leave mine and I take the moment to study his face. The dark lines of his eyebrows, the thick lashes that circle his sapphire blues. He has pale, flawless skin and pinking cheeks.

Tell me goodbye.

“Okay,” I say but neither of us move and I don’t say a word. Instead we stand staring at each other, our breaths heavybetween us and our bodies so closely connected, I am aware of every line, groove and muscle pressing against me. My hands tense in the fabric of my hoodie, pulling him a fraction closer. In the space of such a short time, Caiden Carrington has turned my world upside down - it’s unexpected, thrilling and confusing in equal measures, and I have no idea what to do about it.

“Jamie,” Caiden eventually says. “What is this?” There’s an edge of vulnerability in his voice and a shadow crosses his eyes when he adds, “I’m not Cooper.”

Pain reverberates through my chest. That’s what he thinks this is - why I’m here. And how can I blame him when I’ve not given him any reason to think otherwise? Sage was right - I’m only going to hurt him. I probably already have.

“I know you're not, Caiden,” I reply, letting him go. He watches me for a brief minute before retreating into the kitchen. I stay on the other side of the counter, keeping it there as a barrier between us.

Caiden moves fluidly around, taking out mugs and filling the kettle. “Do you want something to drink?” he asks with his back to me. He puts a tea bag into one mug and then pauses, waiting for my reply. The air is thick with tension and an uncomfortable awkwardness that has me rubbing a hand aimlessly through my hair.

“Yeah, um, tea. Thank you.”

Once the tea is made, Caiden pushes my mug towards me and sips from his own, keeping his eyes low.

“When Cooper died,” I finally start, deciding that this part is never going to get easier. “I blamed you.” I wait for his eyes to meet mine, but they don’t and instead I’m left staring at unruly black curls as he studies the contents of his mug.

“I blamed you and I said some really shitty things which you didn’t deserve. The truth is, I was so angry that we were even at that party in the first place. I replayed that night over and over -on a non-stop loop for days after his funeral. What if we’d never gone? What if I’d never hit that guy? What if Cooper had been the one drinking and you’d been driving? So many ‘what if’s’ that I made myself sick thinking of them.”

Caiden’s blue eyes slowly look up at me. There’s pain and sadness in their depths and I wonder if he can see the same in mine. He doesn’t say anything, just watches me with his bottom lip tucked between his teeth.

“I called you after the funeral and I came to your work because I needed you to know that I was sorry. For the things I said - for wishing it was you instead of him - and for blaming you in the first place.” I move around the counter so that I’m standing at his side. He leans forward and rests his forehead on the counter, his back arched and his hands buried in his hair.

“My mum found me one day, sick and weak and broken. Completely broken. She was angry at me for how I’d acted at the funeral but she’d given me space to grieve before bringing it up. And you know what she told me?”

His head shakes. It’s subtle but I see it.

“She told me none of it matters. Not a single ‘what if’ matters. Because we don’t get a do over and we don’t get to decide which choice we could have made to change the outcome. Cooper got behind the wheel that night, his eyes left the road, and a truck driver fell asleep. Those are the cold hard facts. No one is to blame.”

Caiden’s back rises and falls under his harsh breaths and I rest one hand on him, his body trembling beneath my touch.

“I’m going to leave now because I know that’s what you want. But for what it's worth, I don't think of Cooper when I'm with you. What happened last night, that was me wanting you.”

I laugh to myself when I add. “I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or how any of this happened, but I won't regret it. I only regret that I may have hurt you somehow.”

Blowing out a deep breath, I run a hand through his hair and he lifts his head. His eyes are wet and his cheeks are a brighter shade of pink.

“I wish I knew why you left and I wish you’d come back. We never got the chance to be a family - and maybe that’s still not in the stars for us, but if you want a friend, I’d love to be that person.”

I place a soft, chaste kiss on his tear streaked cheek.

“Goodbye, Caiden,” I whisper and he stands up to face me. “Keep this.” I stroke a hand down his chest. “It looks better on you, anyway.”

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