Page 47 of That One Moment

“Their loss though 'cause he’s amazing - as amazing as a rodent can be. And for the record he is neither cute nor fluffy. He’s a tiny demon in a hamster's body.” That gets a smile out of Jamie, and for the first time since he came back into my life, I see an old familiar sparkle in his green eyes.

We fall silent again, finishing off our breakfast. The tension in the room is still there and I feel like we’ve been dancing around the topics that really need to be talked about. Jamie must feel the same because he says, “So, last night. Oliver.” I turn so my hipis resting against the counter and I’m facing him. Jamie takes a sip of his coffee before continuing. “He was the last person I expected to see you with.” I want to talk about anything but Oliver. Anything at all.

“Can we not? Things with Oliver are -” Don’t say complicated because they’re not, not at all. They’re as simple as not picking up the phone. “Casual,” I say instead.

Jamie’s eyes bore into me at the same time his hand reaches out and touches the side of my lip. My body shudders as he pulls it away to show me the jam on his finger. Heat pools low in my belly when he sucks his finger into his mouth, giving me a glimpse of his tongue.

“Casual. So last night wasn’t a one off? You see him often,” Jamie says, a gravelly edge to his voice. He’s moved closer now, close enough that I can see the faint scar on his forehead. “He’s not a good guy, Caiden.”

My laugh is dry. “You only know what Cooper told you. Maybe he’s not perfect like you, but he’s fine. What we have… the arrangement we have is…it’s good.” There’s no reason for me to be defensive other than that I hate the thought of Jamie judging me, and right now, that's all I can see in his eyes. Judgement and pity.

Jamie hums, clearly not believing me. Along with the look in his eyes, it makes my blood heat and my hackles rise. God, he’s still the same judgemental prick he always was. Why did I want him here again? Suddenly, all the fuzzy, confused feelings I had about him since he walked back into my life morph into irritation.

Putting my coffee down, I turn my back on him and grab a cloth then start hastily wiping the counter. It’s time to stop tiptoeing around the big question hanging in the air.

“Why are you here, Jamie?”

He doesn’t answer me immediately and I watch from the corner of my eye as he walks to the stove, removes the pan and scrapes the eggs into the bin. Then, he puts it in the sink and turns on the water. When he starts using a metal brush on the pan, I clench my teeth and look away.

“You called me, remember? Or had the hospital do it.”

“Big fucking mistake,” I mutter under my breath but loud enough for him to hear, given how close we’re now standing.

“Look, Caiden,” Jamie starts. The water has stopped running and I’m cleaning the same spot over and over but I don’t turn towards him. “Can you at least look at me? Please.”

Throwing the cloth down, I blow out a breath then turn so we’re face to face. My kitchen is small, and I press my back against the counter to maximise the space between us as much as possible.

“I was hoping we could talk. Maybe try and find a semblance of neutral ground between us.” His hands are at his sides, still wet from the sink, one moves forward a fraction before he drops it again. “We don’t need to be enemies and we don’t have to be brothers if you don’t want to, but we could be friends.” He takes a breath, his head dipping while he dries his hands on his shorts.

Before I can even consider his suggestion, he adds, “Cooper wouldn’t have wanted this for you. For us.” His eyes, full of pity, meet mine before he looks around my kitchen like he’s searching for all my mistakes and broken parts. I’m not sure whether he means the thing with Oliver, my life in general or this distance between him and I, but it doesn’t matter.

In the space of those few words, the idea of something existing between us is ruined.

BecauseI. Fucking. Know.I don’t need Jamie Durand to remind me how much I’ve let my twin down.

It hits me then, like a bullet to the heart, why he’s really here. Fuck, I’m such an idiot. For a heartbeat there, I let myself thinkthat Jamie wanted back in my life because of me. But, it’s not that, it never was. Him being here was never about me. It’s about his guilt over failing at the things he thinks Cooper would have wanted.

“Oof, playing the dead brother card,” I say, sarcasm bleeding into my words while hiding the tremble in my voice. Being mad right now is safer than letting him see how sad and disappointed I am. In him. In myself. I shake my head.

People will only disappoint you.

“Why are you really here, Jamie? Is it because youwantto be here or because you feel like you owe it to Cooper?” When he doesn’t reply I nod, the answer right there in his silence.

“Caiden, it’s not like that. I’m here because…. It’s just, you don’t seem happy and -”

“You want to fix me? Want me to be happy like you are? I can’t possibly be okay, can I Jamie? Because I didn’t move on as easily as you did. I didn’t get over Cooper’s death with the snap of my fingers.” His mouth widens and hurt flickers in his eyes. Jamie starts to protest, the words ‘I didn't’ quietly passing his lips before I interrupt him. My next question is designed to land with a punch but also to answer a question that’s been bothering me since I learned aboutherexistence.

“How long did it take you to jump into bed with someone else? A week? Two?” I take a step forward, closing the space between us, fuelled on by a thousand warring emotions. I am a wild fire, blazing a trail through the forest, wiping out everything in its path. I burn hot and I burn fast and I do it without a second thought.

“How long before you sunk yourself into some pretty pussy and forgot all about him?” Jamie’s nostrils flare and he shuffles his feet. “Maybe that’s what all this is about. You feel guilty thatyou moved on.” I've seen Jamie angry. I've seen him sad, and I've seen him annoyed. But this? This is nothing like any of those.

“Shut your mouth, Caiden. You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he snaps, his jaw clenching as he runs a hand through his hair and tugs at the ends.

“Don’t I?” I tilt my head like I'm assessing him this time. “I think you want to appease that guilt by trying to save me. You can say you did it for him. The man you said you loved but forgot about so easily.” His lips flatten, the blood draining from them when he squeezes them tighter.

“Tell me, Jamie. Do you think of him,” I close the gap until I can feel the heat from his naked chest. Dropping my voice, I add, “when you’re fucking her?”

He swallows thickly, his throat bobbing and I run one finger along the soft underskin of his arm. “Or maybe you’re here because you think I’ll fill that gap he left behind. Is that it Jamie, do you want to fuck me and pretend I’m Cooper?” It’s a low blow, I know it the minute the words pass my lips but it’s too late to take them back - and I don't think I'd want to anyway. I'm so fucking tired of being nobody's reason.

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