Page 42 of That One Moment

Hank is an understanding boss. Quiet and contemplative. I met him at a time when I wasn't sure how I was going to manage - with rent to pay on a place I could barely afford and my meagre savings dwindling.

He listened, with kind eyes and a gentle smile, rubbing his ring finger absentmindedly as though he was used to twirling a ring there, as I told him about my landscaping experience. Then, without any questions, offered me a job.

It felt like the first time that anything had ever gone my way.

I owed him more than a lousy text message.

My head ached as I climbed out of bed, foregoing a shower in favour of cleaning my place and then falling back into bed for a few hours, woken only when my GP returned the call I’d made earlier to set up an appointment to discuss medication.

Now, it's past eight and my house smells comfortingly like lavender and bleach. Slouching on the sofa, I turn on the television despite the fact I’m not meant to be looking at a screen, and it doesn’t take long before thoughts of what Jamie’s doing and who he’s with distract me from the bright images in front of me.

Absentmindedly, I run my hand over my bracelet, feeling the cool metal as it rubs along my skin. Blue like my eyes, black like my hair. Chosen by Jamie. For me.

He needs to leave and go back to his life.

I so badly want him to stay.

The photo of him and some girl keeps popping into my mind, making my stomach ache. He looked so fuckinghappyin the small glimpse I got before he hid his phone from me. I wonder how long it took him to move on. Did he meet her soon after Cooper died? Did he even grieve for my brother before jumping into bed with someone else? I grind my teeth then rub at my jaw, trying to put a name to the feelings Jamie Durand’s visit has stirred up.

Picking up the remote, I scroll aimlessly. Just as I finally settle on rewatching an episode ofThe Walking Dead, my phone rings.

The foreign feeling of a smile settles on my face when my best friend's name pops up. I hadn’t lied to the doctor when he asked if I had someone I could call - someone to support me. For once in my life, I have the kind of friend I can depend on. The same friend who is probably annoyed with me because I’ve missed multiple calls and haven’t returned any of his texts since Wednesday night.

Darius knows all my secrets, he’s met my demons, he’s witnessed my pain, but sometimes I wish I could lie to him. The day we met, when he’d hit on me in a nightclub and it became very clear, very quickly that there was no sexual chemistry between us, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be the person I used to be. Not with Darius. No lies, no pushing him away, no walls.

Not that he’d let me get away with the shit I used to pull anyway. The five foot seven blond twink with a sharp tongue has a built in bullshit detector.

He's fearless.

I'm not.

The fear that he could hurt me, lingers between us like a bad odor.People will only disappoint you.It’s a terrible thought to have about your best friend, youronlyfriend, but my mother’s words are imprinted on my brain like a tattoo.

My stomach sinks as I watch my phone screen go black. Another missed call sitting in my notifications.

When it rings again, I answer, not even trying to fight the way my smile grows when I hear his voice. I should have called him sooner.

“You better have a really good reason for ignoring me since FUCKING Wednesday! And the only reason better be over six feet tall and hung like a horse.”

“Hello Darius,” I snort-laugh before sobering. “I um…”

Darius senses my hesitation and his voice changes, the playful tone replaced with concern.

“Caiden? What’s wrong?” I can hear music in the background and I try to picture where he is. It’s Friday, which means he’s most likely in Birmingham with his parents.

“I um, I was in hospital.” He gasps and I can picture his pretty blue eyes widening. “But I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.”

“You were in hospital and I mustn't worry about you?” he asks, incredulously. “You fool, how little do you know me?” A door closes and the music in his background fades. “Tell me what happened.”

I do. I tell him every last detail. From the party, to the hospital, to Jamie walking back into my life. I cry and he soothes me over the phone as best he can. When he tells me he’s getting the earliest train back to Kingston, I put my foot down.

“You don’t need to do that. I really am okay. I'm not… I won't do it again.” He sounds weary when he replies, but he accepts my request for him not to rush over, and promises he’ll be at my door bright and early on Sunday morning.

“You call me, you understand?” Darius adds. “Anytime. Okay? You need someone, you call me. I love you, man.”

“Love you, too,” I say with a sigh before ending the call.

I sit alone on the sofa for what feels like hours. Ford comes and goes and Basil takes a spin in his wheel. Suddenly the sounds ofthe television annoy me and I shut it off but then the silence is so loud and soon enough, Jamie is back in my mind. My head has a distant ache, and my legs bounce, and I’m not sure if I want to lie down or stand up and move around. There's a restlessness inside that I can't stand.

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