Page 41 of That One Moment

“You trying to move in with me, baby?” I lick across his lips and he opens up for me, moaning when my tongue swipes against his.

“I spend so many nights here, it made sense to bring over a few things. I just don’t know what to do with your things.” He shrugs and I kiss him again because fuck, those things can go in the bin for all I care. The more time Cooper spends with me, the happier I am. If he wants to give up his place and move in here, I’m all for it.

“I love you Jamie,” Cooper says and I open my mouth to tell him that he’s my entire world but nothing comes out. Suddenly, my throat tightens and I can’t breathe, and Cooper is no longer in front of me. Caiden is there and he’s looking at me with tears in his eyes and blood on his cheeks. My own eyes fill with tears and the thick metallic scent of blood fills my nose.

My eyes shoot open and I suck in sharp bursts of air. I’m still on the hotel bed and I’m tangled in the sheets, my skin drenched in sweat, my mouth dry and scratchy. The nightmares never go away but some nights I can manage them. Some nights I sit in the discomfort they bring and just let myself be immersed in them. Playing them through like a movie that I’m overly invested in. Other nights, I wake up in tears, nauseous and with this overwhelming need to run.

Now, is one of those nights.

With Cooper’s face fresh in my mind and the heaviness of guilt over the way I treated Caiden weighing me down, I untangle myself from the sheets. Stripping out of my clothes, I throw onmy running gear, tie the laces on my trainers and head out of the hotel. My steps start off slow as I make my way down the road, the July air is cool but as I pick up my pace, a layer of sweat coats my skin. As the buildings on either side of me end, giving way to the bank of the river, I break into a run.

My feet hit the ground with heavy thuds, heart and breath working in sync with the movements. I run and I don’t stop. Curving this way and that to avoid people. Groups of kids, and couples taking lazy strolls all fade into a blur as I push myself past the point of comfort.

I run and run until my lungs ache and my mind goes blank. Until all I can focus on is forcing air into my lungs and feeling the solid ground beneath my feet. I run until my body begs me to stop and everything becomes too blurry for me to see. I run until I know that it’s not sweat in my eyes but tears.

Collapsing on a spot of grass, I wipe furiously as they fall. I am so tired of crying, so tired of hurting. I run my hand through the grass, the blades tickling my palms before digging my nails into the soil. Gripping the ground like it has the power to still my whirring thoughts.

After a while of lying there, my fingers aching and caked in dirt, I let go, stretch them out and clean them on my tee. Checking the time on my phone, I decide it’s not too late to call my best friend. Sage answers after the third ring, sounding breathless but happy and I feel my lips twitch into a smile.

“I’m mad at you right now,” she huffs.

“What did I do this time?” I continue to rub my free hand along the grass before bringing it to rest on my chest.

“Your girlfriend was in a right mood all day because of your disappearing act. Why didn’t you listen when I told younotto date someone I work with? Why?” She drags out the word ‘why’ so it sounds like she’s wailing.

“She’s not that bad. You’re being dramatic.” I wish she could see the impressive eye roll I give her. We fall silent but it's a comfortable, familiar silence.

“How is he?” Sage finally asks. She groans and I picture her dropping her heavily pregnant body onto the sofa.

“He says he's fine.”

She scoffs. “Sounds like Caiden.”

Pushing myself up, I sit with my knees bent against my stomach and my arms resting on them. My voice lowers as I say, “He doesn’t want me here.”

“Maybe you need to respect that, Jay,” Sage says. “It’s been three years. He has a life that doesn’t include you. I know you and I know how badly you want to make things right, but that doesn’t mean it’s what Caiden wants.”

With my forehead now resting on my arms, I moan. “You’re right. I know you are. But Sage, I wassohorrible to him before. Fuck, even tonight I wasn’t exactly what you’d call sympathetic. But he just makes me forget how to act when I’m close to him. It’s like all the words I’ve thought of saying these past three years just evaporate and I turn back into the jerk I was the last time he saw me.”

Sage sighs then curses under her breath at the same time I hear rustling on the other side of the phone. “I think you have to accept that this isn’t something you can fix.” She goes quiet before adding. “You know he’s not Cooper? And he’s not a replacement. You can’t treat him like he is.”

My blood runs cold. “I know that! That’s not….I’m not… God, Sage, I’d never treat him like he is. Even though he left, and he changed his number and he did everything to build this huge space between us, he’s still my family.”

She makes a noise that I take as agreement before I continue. “I think he’s punishing himself.” My stomach twists with guilt when I add, “and I think I’m partly to blame.”

Chapter Nineteen

Caiden

Jamie’s sad smile is there every time I close my eyes. I can’t stop thinking about him or about what he said about us being a family. There was a small window of time before Coop died that I felt like I was starting to belong in the new blended family which my twin adored. But after he died, I didn’t believe there was space for me, and even if there was, I didn’t deserve it.

That thought made leaving easier. Dad and I didn’t have the best relationship before the accident and I was certain there was no chance for us after it. Leaving my mother was harder - I’d worshiped her for so long, believed every word she said when she blamed the breakup of our family on my dad.Too little, too late.If I’d realised how toxic my relationship with her was before maybe things would have turned out differently.

And Jamie? Leaving him was probably the hardest.

Hot water hits my hands and I realise I’ve been staring out of the window, long enough for the water to turn scalding. Ifinish washing my hands, dry them, and lean my hip against the marble counter. Ford lazes sleepily on the floor near my feet, the white of his belly on full display as he tips his head and watches me through narrowed eyes.

Being Friday, today should have been spent outside working on a new garden design for a boutique hotel. But, having slept until almost noon, I messaged my boss, Hank, and told him I was too ill to come in.

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