Page 40 of That One Moment

Caiden’s exit from my life had been seamless. One day, his things were in our parents’ house and the next they weren’t. Texts and calls went unanswered. I went to find him at his job and at the retirement home where he volunteered, but he'd quit. I was so angry, so hurt, so sad, but I wanted to…. I don’t even know what I wanted back then. Something. I wanted something.

Grabbing my keys, I round the counter, stepping up to him until my arm brushes his side. I ignore the way my heart thuds erratically at his proximity.

“Not that you care, because you fucked off after your brother died, but I stayed. And along with my mum, we picked up thepieces of your dad.” His breath catches on an exhale and he steps back, his gaze fixed over my shoulder. “If you think you were barely hanging on, you have no idea what losing Cooper - and then you - did to him. Don’t make him have to bury you too.”

Caiden’s head drops as I turn away from him.

I hesitate at the door before adding. “I know you don’t want me here. But you can call me. You’re still my stepbrother. There’s still a chance for us - your dad included - to be a family.” He doesn’t say anything, so I open the door, step out and slam it forcefully behind me.

“Fuck!” I yell into the empty corridor, before bringing my hand back and punching the wall hard enough to split the skin on my knuckles. The pain lances through me as I press them to my lips.

Fuck this entire day. Fuck Caiden. Fuck truck drivers who fall asleep at the wheel. Fuck me and fuck Cooper for dying. Just fuck it all to hell.

“I don’t understand why you can’t just drive home and go when you’re needed.” Rachel's sing-songy voice comes through the loudspeaker and I hold in a groan. We’ve already had this conversation,twice. I don’t live close enough to pop back and forth, on a good day, the drive would take me just under five hours and with my next steps unclear, I have no desire to drive back and forth. The only reason I left the hospital earlier was to buy a few things that I hadn’t thought to pack. After seeing Caiden in that hospital bed, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to walk away.

Even if walking away feels like the easiest choice and what he wants me to do. I could go back to the way things were before thecall. Before I set eyes on my stepbrother again. Back to the life I spent the last few years building. My stomach clenches when I consider that option. Going back to a job I hate and a girlfriend I feel nothing for sounds like the worst fucking idea ever.

But staying? Trying to get to know Caiden again, attempting to repair our already tattered relationship when he clearly doesn’t want me around. Yeah, no, that sounds like a bad fucking idea too.

A big part of me says I owe it to Cooper to make sure Caiden’s okay. That’s what brought me here in the first place - but another part of me - the one that scares me most - wants to stay because I want him back in my life. I want to make up for the things I said, and the time we lost, and despite his words, there’s something in his eyes when he looks at me that says he wants me here.

The hotel room I’m in is small and I pace from one corner to the other in a few short steps. Flopping onto the bed, I cover my eyes with the back of my arm and finally interrupt Rachel as she harps on about some brunch I’ll miss unless I’m home by tomorrow morning.

“Rachel.” She pauses, silence settling between us. “I’m not coming home tonight. I’m not sure I’ll be back tomorrow either.”

She huffs and I can picture her brown eyes rolling, her dark lashes fluttering as she chews her cheek in irritation. “We’ve been dating for eighteen months and I’ve never heard about this brother - “

“Stepbrother,” I interrupt.

“Fine, stepbrother. You’ve never mentioned him and now suddenly you’re putting aside your entire life to run off to him. Sorry if I sound a little heartless but, you can’t care about the guy very much if you don’t even tell your girlfriend he exists!”

It’s complicated,sounds like a cop out but that’s the only thing I can think to say. Rachel huffs again and her irritation burns through the phone. “And what about work? You told me youhad no more leave days left when I mentioned that cruise to Barbados.”

Lies have become the foundation of my new life. My ‘after Cooper life’.

How’s work?Great.

Lie.

Do you love me?Yes.

Lie.

Have you been to Cooper's grave lately?Yes.

Another lie.

It’s all one big fabricated story that keeps those around me happy and keeps me moving forward when some days all I want to do is give up. I remind myself every morning that I was blessed to have survived -luckythat nurse had said - and so I put all my energy into living. Isn’t that what those of us left behind should do? Live. Be happy.

I think of the little keyring Cooper had -Live Laugh Loveit said in big glittery blue writing. As if those were the only things that one needed to survive. Once upon a time, I'd have believed that to be true.

Rachel repeats her statement, but the exhaustion that lives permanently in the marrow of my bones makes it too hard for me to focus.

“Listen, Rachel, I need to go. I’ll speak to you tomorrow.” I don’t give her a chance to answer before I hit the red button and end the call. Throwing my phone onto the bed next to me, I roll onto my side and stare at the green and white painted wall of the small hotel room. Outside the light has faded, giving way to a clear, dark night.

“Babe! Why is there so much clothing on my bed?” Cooper looks up at me from his spot at my desk. I’ve just picked up some takeout and come back to my room where he’s working on anassignment. His hair is a mess, his t-shirt rumpled, and he has these cute as fuck black rimmed glasses on.

“Oops sorry!” He smiles slyly and looks over at my narrow set of drawers. “I may have moved a few of my things in.” My heart does this little skip and I round on him, pull the chair between my legs, grab his cheeks and kiss him, hard.

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