Page 38 of That One Moment

“Here.” Jamie’s voice is commanding and I watch as he pulls his hoodie over his head. The movement lifts his t-shirt, giving me a view of his smooth, taut stomach. “Put this on.” He thrusts his hoodie into my hands. He stands next to the bed and waits for me to put it on, leaning on it while brushing invisible lint from his white tee.

“Thank you,” I say, a little stunned at his actions but grateful nonetheless. The fabric is soft and warm and as I pull it over my head, I’m accosted with the scent of him. Sandalwood and vanilla with a hint of washing powder hiding the natural smell of his skin.

For the first time, I notice the tattoo on his left arm, just below his sleeve hem - my twin’s name in an intricate, swirling font that circles his bicep. He runs his hand through his hair - something he seems to do quite often now - and I see a ring continuing on the underside.

Tell Jamie, always.Cooper’s words from the night of the accident are as clear in my mind as they were that night. I never told Jamie and now it feels like it’s too late.

He takes a step towards me, close enough that I can see the scar on his forehead and the little line of faint freckles that run over his nose. He reaches out a hand and I clench my teeth as he takes my right arm and pulls up the sleeve. I watch his movements as he slowly runs his finger along the bracelet there. I was hoping he hadn’t seen it. I don’t need him to know that I never take it off - that some days, I cling to it like a lifeline. The reminder that once upon a time there was a chance, someone maybe cared enough to choose it for me.

The world around me narrows to this one moment as Jamie and I remain locked together, both of our eyes trained on the spot where he’s touching me. His fingers trailing down my wrist, over the bracelet and then back up again. We’re lost for a second. One heartbeat, two heartbeats and then a third before he lifts his head and drops my hand.

“We should go,” Jamie says. His voice is flat, devoid of any emotion. It’s more like he’s following a set of instructions rather than talking to an actual human being. I’ve noticed that today - his short, clipped sentences. His straight to the point language. When did he stop being the talkative, fun loving Jamie that stole my twin's heart? I wonder if he lost that part of himself that night? Maybe he buried it along with Cooper. There’s no doubt we both walked away from that wreckage as different people.

“Here you go, hun.” The nurse from earlier bustles into the room, breaking me from my thoughts when she hands me some paperwork to sign. “Do you have a way to get home? If not, there is a taxi service outside.”

I sign my name on the dotted lines while shaking my head. “I’ll walk.” It’ll take me at least half an hour but I haven’t been in a car in three years. Being in an ambulance was bad enough, but I’d had no say over that. Taking a taxi is out of the question.

“I’ll drive him.” Jamie’s words have my head snapping up from the paperwork and my eyes meet his, hoping he sees how muchthat thought scares me. The nurse says something about it being a very good idea, then takes the paperwork from me and leaves the room.

“I’m walking, Jamie. Please, just go back to your life. I’m fine.” This day, hell this week has been too much already. Seeing Jamie again felt like the straw threatening to break the camel's back, but getting in a car would truly be the end of my composure. I’m barely hanging on here as it is.

“Don’t be stubborn, Caiden. Let me drive you home.”

I shake my head and dark hair falls in front of my face. I swipe at it angrily. “No.” Anxiety claws at my chest, threatening to steal the air from my lungs and rip my heart to shreds. My skin prickles and a cold sweat breaks out at the back of my neck.

“For fucks sake, Caiden. Just let me drive you home.” Jamie takes a step towards me and I flinch, moving away from him. “Come on.”

“I can’t, okay?” I bellow. “I can’t get in a car. Not now, not ever again.” The one and only time I tried after Cooper’s death, my head had spun and I’d started shaking as waves of nausea washed over me. The cab driver had panicked when I fell backwards and hit the pavement, he’d kindly pulled me off the wet ground and offered to take me to hospital. I’d managed to shake off the panic enough to get home on the train, but then spent two days in bed. Just me, a bottle of Jack and the memories of a truck hitting a car and one half of my soul dying.

Jamie’s eyes gloss over and he dips his head in understanding. Heat blossoms in my cheeks, shame at how weak and pathetic I am sitting heavily in my heart. “How do you do it?” I ask. How does he wake up and move on? How does he get in a car like doing so never cost him everything.

He shrugs. “I have my demons, Caiden. Cars are not one of them.” He doesn’t offer anymore and I’m left contemplating what demons Jamie Durand has. What became of him afterCooper’s death. A better person would have kept in touch - he is still my stepbrother after all. A better son would have stayed and helped his dad heal. A better brother would have made sure his twin’s boyfriend didn’t suffer his loss alone. I am not that better person. I am still the sad, lonely boy I was all those years ago. Only now that I’ve lost Cooper do I understand what true loneliness really is. Hindsight is a bitch that has me wishing I’d embraced the life I had before Coop left me. The times I could have shared with him, the effort I should have put in. Cooper died, but living is my punishment for everything I did wrong to him and everyone around me.

Jamie rests a hand on my lower back and I startle, not having noticed that he’d moved next to me. “Come,” he says and I let the pressure of his hand guide me out of the hospital room, down the corridor and outside and onto a bustling Surrey street. “Lead the way,” he says. My legs feel weak and the walk which should only take half an hour at most takes a hell of a lot longer. I need to stop every now and then, using his arm to lean on him and catch my breath.

“You don’t need to come with me. I know you have better places to be,” I say for the tenth time, even though we’re only a street away from my place now. There's a niggling in my mind that is sure he just about mentioned a girlfriend earlier. The thought has me clenching my hand at my side.

“I’ll leave once I know you’re home safely.” I stop and spin around, ignoring the fact that there’s people passing us.

“Why?” His caring about me now - being here, giving me his hoodie, traipsing home with me - it’s messing with my head. I need Jamie to hate me, to blame me. I need him to scowl at me like he’s done a hundred times before. I need him to not care, because deep down there are some very complicated feelings towards Jamie that I hid a long time ago, and I have no desire to ever investigate. The fact that I cannot take off this fuckingbracelet without the hole in my heart growing bigger is bad enough.

“For your dad.” He doesn’t elaborate and my body deflates against the disappointment. Because while I tell myself I want him to hate me, that part of me that always wanted what he gave to Cooper, what they shared, still dwells, unbidden and unwanted, inside me.

Chapter Eighteen

Jamie

Fuck. Seeing Caiden again is like a kick to the heart. He looks so much like his brother, it physically hurts to be this close to him. He’s older, obviously, and though I always saw the ways in which they were different, I can’t deny that he is still very much the spitting image of Cooper. The same dark hair - though longer and curlier - same slender frame and deep blue eyes. He has the same mannerisms and beneath the steely veneer, I imagine he has the same smile too.

Seeing him in that hospital bed, pale and hurt, his eyes looking lost and scared, brought back so many memories that I pushed away. Nausea swirls in my gut knowing he did that to himself. I’m also so angry at him, which I know isn’t fair. I can’t say I don’t understand why he did it either.

Standing at his doorstep, watching him in my hoodie, as he unlocks the front door, I try to reconcile what I felt the last time I saw him with the way I feel now. Time has passed since that day at the funeral. Space has grown wider, and emotions have beenburied. That they’re now bubbling to the surface is unnerving and a danger to the carefully crafted life I’ve built for myself in a hopeless attempt to feel whole again. Three years of processing my loss. Three years of pretending Caiden’s exile from our lives didn’t add pain to my already smarting heart.

Three fucking years.

Cooper is gone. Cooper is gone and I’ve moved on. The five unread texts from Rachel are a stark reminder that I moved on. I did. I really did.

I’ve gotten so good at lying to myself.

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