Page 34 of That One Moment

An instrumental version ofDancing in the Skyplays and I hold my breath as the pallbearers come into view, gently lowering the coffin onto a platform at the front of the church. Duncan, dressed in a black suit with a black tie, bends his head and rests it against the coffin. His shoulders shake and my mum rushes over to him, pulling him up and into her arms. His sobs are loud enough to hear over the music. Behind me, someone else cries. Did they even know him? Did they love him like I did? Are they a whole new person because he’s gone?

Next to Duncan, Caiden stands with one hand resting on the glossy mahogany. He’s pale and the cuts on his face stand out, a stark reminder that just like me, he walked away from the wreckage. I turn away because I can’t look at him. He’s a painful reminder, a ghost. For all those times I thought they were nothing alike, I see it now. I see how similar they were and I can’t bear it. There’s a darkness inside me that wishes he’d died instead of Cooper. My head drops. Cooper would hate me for that thought, though it makes it no less true.

The minister starts talking, asking us to take a seat. Next to me, Sage, dressed in a black pantsuit, wraps her arm through mine. She’s crying too. Everyone is crying. I want to yell at them and tell them all that it won’t help. Nothing will help. How can it? Cooper is dead. He was the best thing to ever happen to me and he’s gone. The last time I saw him, he smiled at me. And now, I’ll never see that smile again.

As the minister talks about how loved Cooper was and how tragic it is that a life so young was lost, I close my eyes and think of him. I’ve done this so many times this past week and it’s the only thing that gets me through the day.

“I’m going to marry you one day, Cooper Carrington. I’m going to put a ring on your finger, build you a house and then love you forever.” His smile is bright and his eyes are warm. “I’m going to hold you to that,” he says. “And best start saving, I need a big ring and a huge wedding.”

Sage holds me tighter and I bury my face in her neck and cry. My heart breaks all over again. Some mornings, like today, I wake up from a vivid dream of him, and for a second forget that he’s gone. On those mornings, when reality slaps me in the face, I feel my soul shatter. A cruel groundhog day that I can’t seem to escape.

“I love you, Jamie. I’m so glad you’re mine.”

The minister asks us all to stand and I chance a glance to my right where Caiden remains seated, his head buried in his hands. No one comforts him and I know Cooper would have wanted me to but I can’t bear the thought of being close to him. It’s too painful.

By the time the service is over, I’m shivering despite the full suit I’m wearing and the warmth of the day. My stomach churns and my shirt feels too tight. I claw at my tie frantically, feeling panic bubble in my chest, until Sage steps in front of me and undoes it. Loosening the top button, I’m able to breathe, buteach inhale hurts. It’s not a physical pain but a bone deep, soul crushing torment that’s settled inside me.

Soft music plays - a song I recognise because it’s one he loved, one I sang to him one night only a few weeks ago. People lay roses on his coffin and then walk out. Soon, everyone will leave and he will be taken away in a hearse for a private burial.

Most of these people will leave here today and Cooper will soon become a distant memory to them. The cousin they barely spoke to, the student they sat next to, the neighbour who once walked their dog. But he’ll still be my everything - my once upon a time, my hopes, my dreams and my greatest loss.

Loud, uncontrollable sobbing comes from behind me, and I turn in time to see a woman who looks just like the twins barreling down the aisle. She throws herself against his coffin and wails like something out of a cheap theatre show.

“My baby,” Cooper's mother cries, and the hairs on the back of my neck rise. “My sweet boy, I can’t believe you’re gone.” She goes on and on and I turn and stare at a speechless Duncan. His eyes are wide and he’s gripping onto my mother’s hands as though she’s the only thing keeping him from collapsing under the weight of his grief. Caiden stands near the door all the guests left through but he says nothing, just stares blankly into the room. He has one hand wrapped around his stomach and the other resting over the top, his nails digging into the fabric of his suit.

Their mother’s crying grates against the broken parts of me and I snap. I haven’t spoken in days so when the words come out, they’re raspy. Rough like the gravel the doctors washed from my damaged skin.

“Shut up!”

All the eyes in the room turn to me. Sage rests a hand on my arm but I push her away. I round the pew and stand next to the mahogany box that holds the man I love. Looking down athis mother, I clench my fists and lean into the burning anger coursing through me.

“You don’t get to cry. You were a terrible mother to him so don’t insult him and pretend otherwise.” My breathing is erratic and I’m choking over the words and the lump that sits heavy in my throat. “He deserved so much better than you.” I point to her and she looks at me, her mouth open, a hand resting dramatically over her heart. Spinning around, I direct my words at Caiden. “He deserved so much better than both of you.” He flinches, taking a step back until his back hits the wall.

“We should never have been at that party in the first place!” My anger knows no bounds and I unleash it, knowing that I shouldn’t say these things. Knowing that the boy in front of me is just as broken, or even more so, than I am. He lost his brother, his twin, his best friend. But all I see is the coffin and all I feel is this deep ache and an emptiness I cannot stand.

So I don't stop the words, even when I see them land with brutal force. As his breath hitches and his hands tremble, tightening around his stomach like the pain is just too much, I don't stop.

“He wanted to make a difference, he had plans.Wehad plans. You stole those from him.” I bang my hand to my chest. “You stole those from me.” Tears rush down my cheeks in waves, in the same way they do Caiden’s. Lowering my voice, I add the final blow. “I wish it had been you. I wish you had died instead of him.”

“Jamie,” Sage says on an exhale, reaching out and resting a hand on my shoulder. “Stop.”

Caiden crumples. He falls to the ground and pulls his legs to his chest, rocking back and forth. My mum and Duncan move to comfort him and I suck in a painful breath then tug at my hair, bewildered that I let myself tear him down when I could already see the thin cotton keeping him together.

“Fuck,” I mutter under my breath. Right now, I am so far removed from the man Cooper loved, that I don't even know who I am anymore.

The minister ushers their mother out and it’s finally time to say goodbye. Digging in my pocket, I pull out the necklace I gave him for his birthday. The pendant feels heavy in my hand, heavy with a thousand dreams that will never be. Gently, I lay it on the smooth wood.

“I love you, baby. Always and forever.”

Outside, the sun shines, a total contradiction to the dark clouds that follow me. Pulling out my phone, I open the message I received a few days after he died.

Unknown number:Mr Durand, this is Anne from Timeless Memories. I wanted to let you know that your engagement ring is ready for collection.

I don’t go to his burial. I don’t go to the meal my mum insisted we have after. I go to the jewelry store and I collect the ring. Then, I go home, hold it in my hand and cry for the man I loved with all my heart. The man I lost. The man who left me here with only the memory of him.

PART THREE

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