Page 30 of That One Moment

My mind is screaming and my heart is breaking and I don’t know what to do. I try the breathing exercises my therapist gave me, focusing on the things I can feel and hear and see and taste but it doesn’t work. The water is pulling me under, the pit in my stomach widening as I slowly drown. My chest tightens and I don’t think I can breathe, only I know I can because I'm not really in danger. I try to convince myself of this as I take in a sharp gasp of air.

Fight or flight, that’s what’s happening. My body is gearing up for danger but there is none.

I’m okay, I’m in control.

Sinking to the floor, back to my bed, I bury my head in my hands and repeat these words in my mind, again and again. Ford saunters over to me, having been asleep on my bed. He buttshis head against my leg and I rub his silky fur. Sometimes I find calmness in his lazy purr and his sweet affection, but not today. He tries to climb on my lap but I push him away, then ball both my hands into fists and squeeze and squeeze until my nails break the skin. The burn eases the tightness in my chest and my mind goes a little clearer.

I’m in control.

Laughter from downstairs makes my skin crawl, reminding me that everyone in this house is so fucking happy and in love. I’m meant to be down there with them, enjoying a summer barbeque, but that postcard arrived this afternoon and very quickly soured my mood.

In a frantic move, I dart off the floor and reach for my phone, texting Oliver and ignoring how many times Cooper’s warned me away from him. Ineedsomething that right now, only Oliver can give me. I’m not afraid of being alone with him, not the way I am about other men.

Me:I need to get fucked or fucked up.

I throw my phone on the bed then pace my room, digging the nails on my left hand deeper into my skin, releasing them when I reach my chest of drawers. Hidden between two books in the bottom drawer, I find a razor blade. It’s heavy in my palm as I stare at it. Heavier still when I lift it with one hand while undoing my jeans with the other. Taking a seat on my bed, I kick them off until I'm in only a short pair of black boxers.

My pale thighs are a mess of scars. Red, purple and white lines criss-cross the skin. Some areas are sensitive to the touch and others are painfully numb. Holding the blade against a smooth spot, my hand trembles and I suck in a deep breath. I'm stuck,torn between letting the blade split the skin, feeling that rush of relief that comes with it and throwing this fucking thing away.

Cooper’s laughter reaches me and in the fuzzy haze of my mind I can’t be sure if I actually hear him or not. But it’s enough to have me throwing the razor across the room, holding back a scream when I stand and pull at my hair. I hate that I crave the pain, I hate that I’m so fucking tired of trying to be better and I hate….I just hate the person I am.

Darkness presses on my chest, my head a mess of thoughts and feelings I don’t have the energy to deal with and I’m back to pacing my room. My phone beeps and I scramble to find where I threw it.

Oliver:I can offer you both. Party on Tailor Lane, tonight, 9pm. Lube up pretty boy.

God, I hate this guy. I really fucking do. Nothing good will come from it but I can’t sit here and wait to drown.

Once I’m dressed again, I tear the postcard into tiny shreds, letting them float to the floor before I walk over the final remains of my hope of ever having a mother, and slam my bedroom door behind me.

“Hey, brother dear,” Cooper says when I find him in the kitchen, pulling veggie kebabs out of the fridge. He puts down the tray then pulls me into a hug. I take a second to breathe him in, willing my thrumming heart to settle, then plaster on a fake smile. It feels forced and I hope he doesn't notice. “You okay?” He leans back to look at me. Tilting his head, he raises a brow, studying me as though he can sense that something’s wrong.

“All good. Dad started the fire yet?” Cooper doesn’t move, he just holds onto my arms and watches me.

“Baby, did you find those vegan sausages my mum mentioned?” Jamie’s entry into the kitchen breaks whatever mental telepathy Cooper was trying to use on me. He wraps an arm around Cooper’s waist as he speaks to me. “Hi Cade, we’re just about to start cooking, coming to sit outside?”Cade.He’s never called me that before. Dammit, why does that do something to me?

I’m already one giant ball of overwhelmed and confused feelings and like ice water being thrown over me, my mind is suddenly clear on one thing. Something I’ve tried to ignore since before New Year’s. Something I told myself was only a truth in one short selfish moment, when my lips brushed the skin of Jamie’s hand.

I’ve been jealous of Cooper and Jamie. Not because I was losing my twin and not because I so badly want someone to love me the way Jamie loves Cooper. No, I don't want justanyoneto love me like that - I want it to be Jamie.

Fuck. I am a horrible brother. I promise myself that neither of them will ever know how I feel. What’s a few more unwanted feelings to bottle up?

Swallowing thickly, I ignore the looks Cooper is giving me, grab the tray he put down and take it out to the garden. It’s just gone six thirty so in a few hours, I can leave, find Oliver and let sex and booze distract me from all the messed up shit in my head. We spend some time in the pool and then help my dad with the food. When we finally sit down to eat, I’m vibrating out of my skin and exhausted from trying to smile the whole time.

“Jamie and I are going to the movies, do you want to come with us?” Cooper is sitting on Jamie’s lap, holding a burger while Jamie draws patterns on his bare leg. My eyes track the movement as he draws hearts up to my brother's thigh, then dips beneath the hem of his shorts.

I turn away and check the time on my phone. “I’m actually going to a party soon.” It’s nearly nine but the cab should only take five minutes or so. My hands rub fervently up and down my denim clad legs and I have this overwhelming desire to dig my nails into my skin. But I shake it off and stand instead.

Cooper climbs off of Jamie’s lap. “We’ll come with you.” Behind him, Jamie scowls and shakes his head.

“Baby,” he says, standing up to move behind Cooper. “We have plans this evening, I’ve already bought the tickets.” He looks at me and his intensely green eyes look darker than usual, like anger is colouring them a shade darker.

Cooper worries his bottom lip between his teeth. He’s my twin, there's no denying he knows something is up, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to disappoint the man he loves. Guilt visits me again when it’s clear that I’m making my brother choose.

He turns and rests a hand on Jamie’s chest, his voice dropping when he speaks. “Please can we go with him? I know we had plans but….” he turns towards me then back to Jamie, dropping his voice lower. “I think he’s upset, I can feel it.” It’s a whisper, but loud enough that I hear every word. Jamie’s gaze shoots to me and my cheeks heat. I drop my head so I don’t have to look in his eyes. There’s a part of me that wants to get lost in them.

“It’s okay, Coop. You have a good night with Jamie and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Turning my back on the two of them, I head to say goodbye to Maria and my dad who are swimming slow laps in the pool, enjoying the warm summer night. Behind me, I can hear Jamie and Cooper arguing, something I’ve never heard before.

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