Page 25 of That One Moment

“Has she confirmed she is actually coming?” My mind shifts to the message on my phone that came through only an hour ago.

“She said she will, yes. Look Coop, you don’t have to come with me, I’ll be fine.”

There’s that pity again, those sad eyes that are so like mine but also so much softer and kinder. He wears his love for life on his face, in the way his eyes sparkle, and in the lines that crinkle around them when he smiles. I wonder what he sees when he looks at me. Do I look as sad as I feel or do I actually do a good job at masking it?

“I want to come.” Lie, not a chance hewantsto see our mother. “She’s still my mother too and besides, I want her to meet Jamie.”

From the driver's seat, Jamie looks briefly at Cooper and then back at the road. He doesn’t believe his boyfriend either.

We sit at the table for twenty minutes, waiting for her to arrive, before Cooper finally orders a round of drinks. A feeling of déjà vu settles over me and my stomach rolls with a fresh wave of nausea as I sip on a glass of tepid tap water. It's a different restaurant this time, this place is an all you can eat buffet that Jamie found. It's busy here, but the lights are dimmed and the tables far enough apart that it doesn't feel crowded.

“Shall we leave?” Jamie asks, turning to face Cooper. Jamie pulls on his shirt sleeve, undoes the button and rolls it up, putting his muscular forearm on display. I catch myself watching him before his words reach me.

“No!” I bark out, because fuck, it’s been nearly seven months since I’ve actually seen her. We’re meant to be going to Spain together in the summer and we haven’t even bought our tickets.I have all the money saved up, I’ve been working extra hours to afford it.

Turning my hands over so my palm is resting on the cotton tablecloth, I take in the dirt under my nails and the mud caked into the cuticles. My usually painted nails are cracked, with only a hint of the black polish I had there last week. The rough skin on my fingers is another sign of the hard work I put in over the past few months, digging up and spreading out new soil. Pulling out old trees, and laying cobblestone paths. Working until the sun set and my boss sent me home, a pleased smile on his face.

When I look up, I catch Cooper studying me, his lips pursed into two thin, white lines. “Why do you care so much about seeing Mum? Why do you let her do this to you?” And by this he means, why do I let her get my hopes up time and time again.

Like I don’t ask myself this all the time. Only ever landing on the same answer. Because she’s my mother, she has to love me, the same way I love her.

“Better question dear brother,” my words are bitter and he flinches. The guilt I was already carrying intensifies the more my anger grows. “Why don’t you care? She’s our mother, she literally gave birth to us. Why is it so easy for you to pretend she doesn't exist?”

Jamie places his hand over Cooper’s and for a brief second I watch them, wondering what it would be like to be comforted like that. Does it feel like there’s an impenetrable wall around you? Like no matter what happens, you’ll face nothing alone. Is the comfort warm, do you feel it in every corner of your body? Does it have the power to keep you afloat?

Cooper clears his throat and when he speaks, his voice is clear, betraying the tears that line his blue eyes, a few catching on his dark lashes. “Because she doesn’t care about me and I don’t have the time or emotional space to waste on someone who wants nothing to do with me. You may think that we were a perfectfamily once upon a time, but you’re lying to yourself.” He pats the spot over his heart. “She left us, Caiden.”

Anger rises in my cheeks, the heat reaching my ears as a pounding starts in my head.

“She would never have left us if Dad had been a better husband!” I all but yell across the table, garnering a few looks from other patrons. It’s the same thing I’ve been telling him and my father since the day she left. It’s the same thing I tell myself because it’s the truth. I’m sure it’s the truth.How sure though? Would you bank your life on it? Would you bank his?With every time I say it, the less convinced I become.

The swirling in my gut increases and I take another slow sip of water, then pull out the slice of lemon and suck it into my mouth. The bitter tang tightens the muscles in my throat as I swallow, that strange sensation you get when you bite into something tart, tingling into my ears. It drowns out the churning in my gut, if only for a moment.

Cooper’s response is a humorless laugh and a shake of his head. “Do you know, when I was five years old, I heard her tell her friends that she would have been happy to have just had you? That she never wanted us in the first place. That she was too young and had too much left to do, to be tied down by kids. She told them that she’d grown to like you but that her life would have been much easier if I had never existed, that if that time I ended up in hospital with pneumonia, that had I died, she would have felt less weighed down by parenthood.”

I choke on my next breath, a gasp passing my lips, as his words sink in, shredding at my already fragile heart. I didn't know, I always presumed he just chose Dad over her, that he picked a side. Tears are streaming down his face as he stands, throwing his napkin on the table in front of him. “So don’t you dare fucking judge me for not caring about her. Dad is the only parent I ever had and he did a fucking good job. Take her off thatpedestal, Caiden, and maybe then she won’t have the power to keep breaking you.”

He doesn’t wait for me to say anything, leaving the restaurant in a flood of tears. I dig my nails into my jeans, trying to ease the clawing at my chest, taking deep breaths to steady the waves trying to drown me. I watch the other half of me hunch his shoulders against the wind as he stands just outside the restaurant doors.

“She’s not going to show, Caiden, and I’m begging you not to go out and do something stupid. Just this once don’t put that on your brother,” Jamie pleads.

“Fuck off Jamie, this has nothing to -” he doesn’t listen to the rest of my words, just shakes his head and leaves.

I wait another forty minutes but she never shows. She doesn't answer my calls and my texts sit undelivered.

With nothing else to do, and a damp patch seeping through the fabric on my thigh, I take myself to the hospital. There, a lovely, kind nurse, with pretty blue eyes and leopard print glasses, stitches up the cut and talks to me about speaking to someone. I walk out of the urgent care center with a pamphlet on self-harm, the number for a 24/7 mental health charity, and an appointment with a doctor.

And I do this all with the vow of being a better brother.

Chapter Twelve

Jamie

“Mind your step,” I warn, guiding Cooper up the last stone step, my one hand wrapped around his elbow. He’s blindfolded and has his free hand outstretched in an attempt to navigate his own way, despite having no clue where we are.

“I’m getting a little motion sick here, when can I look?”

Gently so as not to jostle him too much, I turn him so he’s facing me. His lips are tipped into a wide smile and his nose is adorably scrunched up, like he’s moving it in an attempt to dislodge the blindfold.

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