Page 65 of Trial Run

He looked up, finally meeting her eyes. There was no judgment in them, only kindness. “Yes. I think I could do that.”

He followed her out the front door. She sat on the bench on his porch, the one where he’d sat with Nell after she’d dropped the flowers. Vanessa patted the cushion next to her, and he sat.

His neighborhood was peaceful this time of morning, with everyone already at work. Birds sang in the branches, and a brisk breeze swirled around them, lifting Vanessa’s hair.

He felt normal. No panic attack, no accelerated breathing or heart rate.

He drew in a shaky breath. “I made a mistake, didn’t I? A really big mistake.”

Vanessa nodded in agreement, gazing out onto his street with a serene expression. “Yes, you did. But the good news is, some mistakes are fixable.”

“What do I do? What can I say to her, after what I did?”

She patted him on the shoulder. “I can’t tell you that. You’ll figure out the best thing. But maybe I’ll see you at work next week?”

“Yes. I’ll call and let Cameron know. And Vanessa … I’ve been meaning to ask you if you’ll come with me to Chicago. To accept the award, if we win it.”

Her brow furrowed. “But why? There’s no need for both of us to go.”

“I think there is. For one thing, you started the clinic with me. You’ve been just as instrumental in its success as I have. You’ve been running the place alone without me this month. The social media posts were your idea, even if they led to that stupid newspaper article.”

“That stupid article brought in a dozen new patients last week.”

“It didn’t.”

“It did. I’m telling you, people care about you. And they like seeing the clinic as a place where doctors care about their patients as people. It’s going to save our business.”

Ben processed that for a moment. “That’s really good news.”

“It is.” She gave a knowing nod.

“But about the trip. There’s another reason I’d like you to come. I’m doing what you said, and I’m asking for help. I don’t think I’d like to travel alone right now.”

Her smile lit her whole face. “I’d love to go with you. That would be … very nice.”

He watched from his place on the porch as Vanessa got into her car, gave him a wave, and drove off.

Back inside his house, he eyed the mess of cards and plants and gifts. In the middle of his kitchen counter stood the ficus tree Nell had given him, bright green and sporting several new leaves.

She’d been right. The thing kept growing, no matter how little sunlight it got.

* * *

Ben always advised his patients, when making an apology, to do four things. One, offer an explanation, but no excuses. Two, be sincere in your regret. Third, ask for forgiveness. And last, tell the person what changes you plan to make in the future.

He could do all of the first three without a problem, but he was stuck on the fourth. What could he tell Nell he’d do differently in the future? He’d keep taking his medicine, but beyond that, what could he offer? That they’d just have to hope he never got worse again? Because he might. He’d lived with anxiety all his life, and now he knew how bad it could get. What could he promise to do for her, if that happened?

On an airplane, they told you to secure your own oxygen mask before trying to help others, but he’d always tried to help others first. And he was the one who’d needed assistance all this time.

Maybe the reason he’d walked out on Nell was that he hadn’t fully admitted, to anyone, that he wasn’t okay.

At his desk, he drafted two letters. One was an open letter to his patients, which he would send out in the clinic’s weekly newsletter. In it, he gave a brief explanation of why he’d been absent. Without telling them every detail, he let them know he’d been struggling with anxiety issues. He concluded the letter:

Thank you for your support, which means the world to me. It’s one thing to talk about needing community, and another thing to experience it. I’m humbled by how much our clinic’s community cares for one another. It’s what makes The Well Space so special.

The second letter he directed to the staff of the clinic, containing a slightly different message. He outlined a couple of employee policy changes which might raise eyebrows, but which would be the best thing for everyone.

He made several phone calls. A plan had formed in his head, a way he could apologize and ask for help and show Nell how much he loved her. That she was needed, and it was safe for her to trust him again.

---