Page 63 of Trial Run

Ben’s face twisted as he pulled Marco’s geode, the first one he’d found, out of his pocket. The clear crystal caught the morning sunlight coming in the window.

“I can’t take this from him.” Ben placed the rock on the end table by the front door. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for disappointing him. Both of you.”

He turned away from her and reached for the door handle.

“You’re really breaking up with me.” Nell’s voice sounded wooden, hollow. Earlier in the morning, she’d been on the verge of tears, but now she felt nothing. No feelings at all.

Ben paused, his hand on the door. “I guess, technically, we were never dating.” His voice was tight, clipped. “It was a test. And it didn’t work out, because I’m not well. I’m sorry.”

Ben straightened his spine, drew his shoulders back. The rigid stranger she’d met four weeks ago was back. No sign of the kind, sensitive man she’d gotten to know and maybe could have even loved.

He didn’t love her.

And she wasn’t in love with him. She wasn’t sad, or angry, or anything else as Ben pulled open her front door and walked out of it. The door shut behind him with a click, ending things between them. All things had to end, but especially good things, the things you’d pinned some hopes on.

She bolted the lock and didn’t linger by the door. It was time to get Marco ready for school, and she had dishes to do before she got dressed. A full slate of deliveries to go out this morning.Nothing like routine to keep you on track, and she wouldn’t be late today.

Chapter 18

On the sixth day after the newspaper article came out, Ben paced back and forth in his living room, phone in his hand. He’d almost texted Nell a dozen times this morning, but each time he’d stopped himself.

He hadn’t left the house since coming home from her place a week ago. He’d gotten himself in the front door, called Cameron, and canceled all his in-person appointments. Then he’d stopped answering his phone. Calls came in from the clinic, presumably to talk about the article, and he’d let them all go to voicemail.

The one thing he’d wanted to avoid had happened, his worst fear manifested, in the way phobias had of showing their faces, just when you thought things were safe. Now, not only had he failed to defeat his anxiety, he’d failed to hide it from the world.

People would assume something was wrong with him, after reading that article. They might even think he had a serious physical illness, but then, he couldn’t correct them because they’d want to know what else it was.

And on top of his complete failure in the mental health department was the way he’d failed Nell. Her frozen face, the way she’d stood, still and quiet, when he told her they weren’t dating anymore. That they never had been. He’d hurt her in the worst way possible, leaving her exactly the way she’d been left before.

Marco’s horrified expression also wouldn’t leave his mind. He’d been scared, and Ben had been the cause of it.

And that was one more reason he couldn’t be around them, couldn’t be close to them anymore. He couldn’t have a breakdown if he was helping take care of a child. He had to be able to hold things together, be strong enough to take care of someone else.

After seeing his massive panic attack, Nell had to know it was the best choice for them to be apart. He’d thought he was getting better, but he wasn’t. Maybe he never would.

His phone buzzed with a text and he hurled it onto the couch and continued pacing. She’d said she would support him still. But how could she mean that?

I would want that person, if that person was you, she’d said.

Bitter guilt made his breath come shorter. He wanted her still, with a deep ache that wouldn’t go away, no matter how much he ran on the treadmill or buried himself in research for his next writing project.

Even though he wasn’t well enough to be with her, it didn’t stop his stupid heart from loving her.

The night before, he’d lit yahrzeit candles at sundown to mark the anniversary of Leah’s death. He’d watched the candles burn and remembered her silly laugh, her sense of humor, and how her face lit up every time he visited. How he’d loved taking care of her.

After saying a Hebrew blessing for the candles, he’d said a few words just for her, reaching for their connection.

“Leah. I know you wouldn’t want me to be like this. I fell apart a little bit, after you left. I always tried so hard to hold everything together for you. But maybe I had to fall apart, so I could be put back together in a different way. This new version of me will always have a hole in the shape of you, though.”

With his eyes on the flame, he focused on memories of them reading books together, their long walks and conversations.When the candles went out, he’d gone up to bed, and woken this morning feeling ready to consider what he’d done a week ago.

He couldn’t fix it, but he could at least stand to think about it, where before today, he’d shoved it as far out of his mind as possible.

His phone buzzed again, muffled against the couch cushion. He grabbed it, saw Vanessa’s name on the screen, and swiped right to answer the call before he could think better of it.

“What.”

“I’m coming over there. Now. You better be wearing pants.” She hung up on him.

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