Page 47 of Trial Run

“You said you had some numbers to go over?”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Fine. Yes, let me pull up the report.”

Ben sat across from her and she turned her computer screen so he could see the numbers.

“Overall, appointment numbers are down from last year. Fewer new patients are coming into the practice, but also, we had a few leave, like I told you.”

“Have we seen any change in that trend in the last two weeks?”

“Since the flowers you sent and the social media posts we were tagged in, we haven’t had any more patients leave. So that’s the good news.”

“And the bad news is …”

Vanessa cradled her cup in her hands, blowing steam across the top of it. “The bad news is, we need to get some of those patients to return, or else book new patients who might still be deciding which provider they want to use. We’ve stopped the exodus, but we need to see an increase again.”

Ben rubbed a hand over his forehead. “I’ve been brainstorming ideas on that front. I’ve outlined a patient referral program I think could bring in new people. I’ll email it to you once I’m back at my desk.”

“That sounds great. I’m not sure why we haven’t had a referral program in place before.”

“We didn’t need one before. We had more patients than we could handle for a while there. But since I …”

“You haven’t been around as much,” she supplied.

“Right. Since that. I haven’t gone to any conferences, or done any book signings or local events, like I used to. I know I need to be back full time. I’m still planning to go to Chicago to accept the award. I’m going to think of a way to fix this.”

He couldn’t lose the clinic, the goal he’d worked toward for the last decade.

“I might be able to help you fix it if I knew what was going on,” she said softly.

Ben met her steady green gaze, and suddenly didn’t feel like lying anymore. He jumped from his seat and paced the length of her office.

“I’m going to tell you what’s going on, but you will not tell anyone else at the clinic. This stays between you and me.”

Vanessa set down her cup, her expression turning serious. “Of course. I’d never break your confidence.”

“I know. That’s why I’m telling you.” He took a deep breath. “The reason I haven’t been here is because I seem to have … It’s gotten worse over the last year, but I’ve always …”

He dropped back into his chair and made himself say it. “I have generalized anxiety disorder. With agoraphobia. And panic attacks.” There. It was out in the open. Unlike him. “I’ve always had it, but this year it’s gotten worse. I haven’t been able to control it as well as I could before.”

“You’ve … always had it?” Her brow creased in a tiny frown.

“Yes. But I take medication, and it was always under control. Until recently. Some days, I couldn’t even …” He cleared his throat. “I couldn’t go out and get the mail.”

Vanessa’s eyes fixed on him, wide with shock and sadness. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I wouldn’t understand?”

“It’s not that. It’s that people counted on me to be in charge. I had so much to take care of, and if people knew, they’d think I needed help. That I couldn’t manage everything, when I can. I’ll get past this episode and things will be back to normal, I promise.”

She leaned back in her chair, silent for a long moment before speaking. “I am so, so angry at you right now.”

“I’m sorry. I know I should have told you earlier.”

“Not because you didn’t tell me, you idiot. Because you didn’t get help for yourself. God, Ben, did you not think you deserved to be helped, same as any of your patients?”

“I didn’t think of it that way. With everything I know, I thought I should be able to take care of it on my own. And I kept it in check just fine, for years. Until I couldn’t. But I’ve adjusted my meds now, and I’m getting better. I’m here, right?”

She let out a breath. “Yes. You are. And we’re glad to have you back. But don’t push yourself. Now that I know what’s happening, we can plan better. We’ll be careful with yourschedule so we don’t overload you with patients. We’ll schedule local events with someone else. We can work around this.”

“But that’s exactly what I don’t want. I don’t want accommodations. I don’t want people looking at me like something’s wrong with me. Feeling sorry for me.”

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