Page 32 of Trial Run

He squeezed her hand again. “None of us are good at seeing our lives from the outside.”

She kept her gaze straight ahead, because if she looked at him now, she might not get through the next part.

“Dropping out wasn’t even the lowest point. A few months after we got married, I found out I’m infertile. We’d been trying for a baby, and when I didn’t get pregnant, I went to the doctor for some tests. I … I don’t know if you want to hear the next part.”

“I want to hear it, if you want to tell me.”

Nell pulled her hand out of his and turned to face him on the couch. “I want you to know the reason why I am how I am now. Not because we’re dating or anything. God, I don’t think you’d want that from me, after I lay all this on you. But we’ve gotten to know each other this week, and with what just happened …”

Ben’s expression turned pained. “We can talk more about that later. But I want to know.”

She folded her arms over her chest. “The night when Kurt came home from work and I told him I couldn’t have a baby … I’d never seen him like that. He changed, right in front of me. Or maybe I just realized how he was for the first time. He yelled at me. Punched a hole in the wall. He didn’t hit me, but I was so scared. I didn’t recognize him. He said … He said he was sorry he married me. And that I was worthless to him now.”

Ben was listening with his whole body, but he didn’t interrupt the flow of her words. His hands clenched into fists on his thighs, the knuckles white.

“And I was so young and stupid, I tried to make it better with him. I thought if I could get on his good side again, smooth everything over, we could get back to how we used to be in our relationship. Not that it was ever good. I know that now.”

“I don’t know how I did it, but I convinced him we could be happy if we adopted a child. I still wanted a baby so much. Marco was twelve months old when we adopted him. I just … I fell in love with him the minute I met him. When the adoption process went through, I knew I was the luckiest person in the world to be his mom. But not Kurt. He was never the same. He just got colder and meaner. And then one day he left. I haven’t seen him since.”

Nell wrapped her arms so tightly around her middle, her ribs ached. She didn’t look at Ben, because he would probably be wearing that kind, compassionate expression on his face, and then she’d cry, in front of him this time. Which could not happen.

“Sweetheart, I am so sorry.” Ben didn’t seem to notice the endearment had slipped out. “I’m sorry he treated you like that.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. But it does help me understand.”

“The worst part is, I feel so guilty. I brought Marco into our lives when our marriage was so bad. And I worry all the time that if I don’t keep everything together, someone will take him away from me.”

There it was. Her worst fear, right out in the open.

“They can’t do that. Unless you’re neglecting him, which you clearly are not.”

“Really?” She let herself meet his eyes for the first time since starting the whole terrible story.

“Really. We have a family counselor on staff who works with cases like this. You are not going to lose Marco. I can even set up an appointment with her, if you want to talk to her about it.”

She took a shuddering inhale, relief piercing her chest. “Thank you. I swear, I’ve worried the most about that.”

“Can I please hug you now?”

She gave an aborted little nod, and Ben’s arm came around her, pulling her close to his side. His hand smoothed up and down her arm. With the truth out in the open, the heaviness of her past lost some of its grip.

“Nell. What happened to you isn’t your fault.” Ben paused for a minute, seeming to choose his words. “That was an abusive relationship. You know that, right?”

She looked down at her lap. “Yes. Of course I know that now.”

“So you aren’t to blame. Not for any of your feelings, or any of the ways you’ve coped with it since then.”

“I guess I know that, too.” She spread her fingers over the leather upholstery next to her thigh. “This couch … It’s magical, right? It makes people tell you things.”

He huffed out a laugh. “This is my therapy couch. But I promise you, I don’t hold any of my patients like this. Or kiss them.”

“That’s a good thing.” Nell put her hand on his forearm, feeling the warm muscle beneath his sleeve jump under herfingertips. “About that kiss … You can see why I haven’t dated. I didn’t trust myself to not mess things up again. I couldn’t take the chance.”

“I do see why.”

“And I think that’s why I had a bad reaction, earlier. To finding out those things I hadn’t known about you before. I don’t think I’m very trusting anymore.”

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