Page 21 of Play Pretend

“He’s fun for now, and that’s what matters. We’ll cross the breakup bridge when we get to it.” She grinned as she hopped off the counter. “We have to clean up and get some stuff ready for tomorrow.” Slowly, her smile fell as she stared at me. “You okay?”

“I’m great.”

It was a lie, and I knew she could see right through it. But I just nodded, hoping she wouldn’t push.

And thankfully, she didn’t.

willow

Isank onto an emerald couch at the Sugar Shack, and dabbed the sweat gathered along my forehead. We’d just had the final rush of the day, and I was done cleaning up the main floor while Gracie finished up in the kitchen.

It had been a long day—truthfully, it had been a long few days. After Gracie brought up investigating the lighthouse widow, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. She’d lost her identity when she died, and all that was left was a half-assed legend about her pining after a man.

There had to be more to her than that.

She’d had friends, a family, a life. She was aperson.

I knew what it was like to lose myself to a man—it was all I’d ever done my entire life. I’d shifted and morphed, forcing myself into little boxes to be more appealing. Easier to digest. I still felt like I didn’t have an identity, but a part of me wondered if I gave the widow hers back, if that would somehow help me find mine again.

The first thing I needed to do was stop lying about Ronan. I needed to start living areallife, not this made-up version I told my family to keep them entertained and happy. I deserved happiness, didn’t I? Real happiness.

So, I knew that was the first step. But after that? I was totally lost.

Guilt ate away at my stomach every single day. I cringed when I thought about all the lies I’d told over the last year. Why couldn’t I just tell the truth? Why couldn’t I just be content with my life as it was? Why did I feel like Ineededto prove myself to them—to anyone?

I was sure a therapist had all the right answers. They would tell me exactly why I was doing what I was doing, and they’d have some fancy diagnosis and pump me full of medication and throw treatments at me, and I’d come out the other side normal. I wouldn’t lie anymore, I wouldn’t feel like I was inadequate. I wouldn’t have to prove myself. I could just…live.

And how freeing would that be?

I sighed as I looked out the window, the lush green trees and grass almost too saturated. The mid-afternoon sun was high in the sky, making the puffy white clouds glow as they coasted by. I tracked them as I chewed on my bottom lip.

Warm cookies baked in the oven, and the pot of coffee I’d started brewing a few minutes ago filled the air. I should be doing more, but I needed a breather. Just for a moment.

My eyelids were heavy as I watched people stroll past the massive window, laughing and talking with each other. I longed to be one of them—to be a true member of this town. I hated feeling like an outsider, and as long as I kept this lie up, I knew I’d never feel totally settled.

I smoothed my hand along the velvet before taking a deep breath, letting air fill my lungs until it felt like they were about to burst.

“How are you doing?” Gracie asked as she plopped beside me, startling me out of my thoughts. She ran her hand over her wild curls, barely taming them before resting her elbow on theback of the sofa. Sunlight illuminated her face, making her look impossibly more pretty.

“I’m fine,” I said, shrugging slightly. Her dark brow lifted at my nonchalant tone, and I let out a long breath, chuckling lightly. “I’m…fine. Just tired, you know? I didn’t sleep much last night.”

Her hazel eyes searched mine in the way that made me feel like a fly under a microscope. “Take it easy for the rest of the day,” she murmured, but I shook my head.

“I’m fine. Really. Put me to work, boss.”

She rolled her eyes. “You know I hate when you call me that.”

I turned my attention outside again, jerking my chin as someone wandered by. She followed my gaze, and we watched as a few people strung up a long banner over the road announcing the festival at the end of the summer.

What would she say if I told her about the lie?

Guilt ate at me. I wanted to talk to her about it, but every time I tried to say the words, they wouldn’t come. The mountain of lies was like a wall between us. If I just told her, we could be closer. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t force the truth out.

Today was no different.

We stared out the window, and I jerked my head toward the banner.

“I think Lobster Fest will be really fun this year. I heardLuna and The Tidesare playing,” I muttered.

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