Page 44 of Start Your Engines

“Son of a bitch. Sorry.” He rushes through his words. “The reason the team is on a shoestring is because of him. You’re doing everything possible to make it brilliant, and we’re doing well. We’re eighth in the Constructor’s Championship. That’s amazing, especially considering everyone has double the money we do.”

Pride fills my chest, and I stand a little taller. It’s what I’ve wanted to believe, but imposter syndrome told me otherwise.

“It’s a team effort,” I mumble.

Connor puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me to face him. “And it’s your team. We wouldn’t work anywhere near as well as we do without you. Your dad is lucky to have you. We all are.”

I blush and offer him a grateful smile. His eyes implore me to believe him, and I do. For the first time that day, I tell myself I can do this.

“Thank goodness I’m not wearing my cream dress. You’d have covered it in grime.” I laugh.

His eyes rake my body from my hoodie down my legs and back up. His stare sets every inch of my body on fire. It will be vibrator o’clock whenever I get home.

“Yeah,” he replies with a raspy voice before letting go. “I’d have hated to make you dirty.”

A spark of desire pierces my belly. I count slowly to ten before we continue working on the car.

Connor says, “I should get help. You can achieve greatness with this team, and I don’t want to be one of the things that stops that.”

I hold my tongue.

“This is where you say you’ll give me the number of Ric the di—” He’s smiling, but I avoid his gaze. He coughs and corrects himself. “I mean Ric, the sports psychologist.”

“I’ll do that.” I take a deep breath, but even with the extra seconds of contemplation, I still say, “And I wouldn’t know about his dick. I’ve never slept with the guy. I chatted with him when I considered returning to racing in my early twenties.”

“Cool.” Again, I sense he’s smiling. “I’ll call him, although I’m nervous about sharing my deepest fears with a stranger.”

I’m waiting for Connor’s catch. When the silence extends longer, I say, “I get that. It took me a long time to deal with my shit. Talking with him helped me understand that my love of racing was partly because I adored being with the two men who meant the world to me and winning.”

“Your dad and Niki?” he asks tentatively.

I hip bump him. “Youand Niki. You two meant the world to me.”

“Cool,” he says again, sweeping his hand through his fluffy hair. A half smile ghosts his lips, but it disappears as he clears his throat. “I don’t love driving like I used to. It was the only thing that brought me energy. Fuck, the highs were higher than anything I’ve ever experienced.”

“What changed?” I ask casually, although my heart speeds because he’s opening up.

“Niki’s crash,” he replies flatly. “I’m scared I’ll have an accident, a nasty one that will break me for good. So I do the rituals. I’m terrified something bad will happen if I stop them.”

I’ll do everything I can to help him love driving again. But I need to work out how. I can’t help with the obsessive-compulsive aspect—that’s for Ric to manage—but I can help with the driving. There’s a pain in my chest from knowing all he’s gone through, and tears brim my eyes. I swipe them away, pretending to wipe sweat from my brow.

“Thank you for telling me about it. It means a lot.”

We continue to work in silence, but it doesn’t bring me the calm I need. I debate asking him the question that has plagued me for years—the one Niki refuses to answer, that could hurt me beyond reason. My breathing accelerates, and I grip the car against the dizziness.

I can’t hold it in anymore, because helping him means spending time with him.

I blurt out, “What happened the day of my crash? What have you tried to tell me? I need to know.”

CHAPTER 20

Connor

I closemy eyes and wince before swallowing the lump that’s lodged in my throat. It’s like having tonsilitis and eating a chunk of bread. It won’t go down, no matter how often I swallow.

But she needs to know. She deserves to know.

“Don’t worry. It’s okay,” Senna says, pulling off her gloves. She walks away, but I’m behind her instantly, yanking off my gloves.

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