Page 114 of Start Your Engines

“I’m worried about you,” Ralf says as I pace the tarmac. “That was your last practice season before qualifying tomorrow. You were going through the motions, waiting for it to end. You’ve lost your spark again.”

My eyes hurt from lack of sleep and the tears no one sees me shed.

I shrug.

Ralf shakes his head. “No, Dane. We don’t shrug our answers.” I love his brusqueness. “She asked me to chat to you.”

“There’s no point asking who ‘she’ is, is there?” I rub my forehead, refusing to give in to the temptation to check the garage and catch her eye again.

Ralf’s deep laugh makes me smile despite the sadness that’s ravaged me since Monday.

“I know she’s keeping me at arm’s length because she has so much going on in her head with the end of season and Niki returning, but I want to support her and tell the world I adore her while also making sure she doesn’t lose an ounce of credibility.”

My chest collapses, and I fold in on myself. I can’t voice my other worry, but it’s sat inside me since she told me to go so she could talk to Niki. What if she doesn’t return to me at the end of the season? What if one week without me convinces her I wasn’t good enough for her?

“All is not lost, Connor.”

“I miss her. I can help her, but her family have got to her. She’s not been the same boss this week.”

“All will be okay in the end. Deep down, she’s still the same person who revolutionised this team. I’ve seen the garage. You’re a family now.”

I grit my teeth. “But true families help each other. She thinks she has to do it alone. I need to show her that she can be the best with me and the whole team on her side. She doesn’t need to be the person her family want her to be.”

“She’s scared of so much, including letting everyone down.” Ralf shakes his head and folds his arms. “I don’t think she’ll admit it, but she’s spent all these years fighting alone that she’sterrified of trusting others and being public with someone. Her dad’s judgement is hard enough, but now she has Niki’s, too. They’ve made her question everything.”

I sigh so hard that I’m surprised I have breath left.

“You still have a race to win to get top six in the Constructor’s Championship.”

I slam my helmet down. “What’s the point?” Except I know the point. My life and everything in it has always been for and about her. “I can’t win the race. I haven’t won a race in over two years. Why would things change now?”

Ralf grabs my shoulders, and his eyes burn with torment. “Where did the self-belief go? You’ve returned from the brink when you didn’t believe you’d race again. You’ve dealt with Antoine and crashes and crippling anxiety. Where is the fire?”

I drop my head. “It left with Senna. I didn’t do it alone. She was beside me every step of the way. Nothing makes sense anymore.”

Ever since the summer, my days have been filled with her love and laughter. I don't know where I’d be if not for our nighttime video calls and the gifts she leaves me at the hotel. I reach for the paper tucked inside my racing suit she left for me this morning and scan it, although I know it by heart.

You’re the best man I’ve ever met. You’ve been the light in my day and the comfort in my weary heart. Thank you for giving me time.

“Connor,” Ralf says as I tuck the paper back inside my suit. “She believes in you. She cares about you more than anything. She sent me to be by your side because she can’t be. She’s overwhelmed by everything, and her brother and father won’tlisten to her anymore because they’re so damn pig-headed. Show her that you can help and that she doesn’t need to do it alone.”

I kick the ground. “How?”

Ralf shrugs and grins. “How would I know?”

I chuckle. “So I’m not allowed to shrug, but you can? You’re a bastard.”

He chuckles. “I know. But I have a plan.”

“Seriously?”

“She might still lose the team, but it’s worth a try.” He offers me a devilish smirk. “Are you in?”

I wince. “Will it fix anything?”

“Probably not, but at least it will stop you being grumpy. You’ll have to talk to Niki. Senna isn’t talking to him, but he’s in Abu Dhabi for the race.”

“So I could lose my life after her brother beats the shit out of me, and she could be angry with me for meddling?” I glare at him, although I hold out my hand to shake his. “Fine. I’m in. It doesn’t involve any crashes, does it?”

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