Page 73 of Knot So Broken

I shake my head. There's no way my father would have ever entertained me coming into contact with a gun.

Running over the different parts of the weapon, I nod my head along as he explains everything in a way I understand, ensuring that I take in all the information of the weapon. I know what I will now have the possibility of shooting and I don’t want to be ignorant of the reality of damage that I could cause if I ignore Jax’s advice.

Jax shows me how to break down and assemble the gun a few times before he instructs me to do so. My first few tries see me fumbling for the majority of it but after a while, I get the hang of it, even if I am slow.

Jax seems satisfied enough as he smiles and gives me a nod. Putting his hands on my waist, he directs me to the centre of the booth. Putting his hands over mine, he helps to guide the gun into position. It means that his body is pressed up entirely against mine. I don’t hate it but it is a distraction, especially when I know I need to concentrate right now.

“I’m going to help steady you for the first few rounds. Once you feel confident enough, I will step away and let you get some practice in on your own.”

I nod as he directs me to hold my hands out directly in front of me. He readjusts my hands until he is happy enough with their position.

“I want you to line up these sights on the middle of the target. Sometimes you won’t have the chance to aim properly but for rightnow, I want you to get used to the feeling. Once you have them lined up, I want you to take a breath before putting your finger on the trigger.

When you are ready, pull and let go of it. Okay?”

I nod as I follow his instructions. It takes me a little while to line up the sights properly, but once I do, I take the breath as instructed. It instantly calms my nerves, putting me in the right frame of mind. My finger trails over the trigger for a moment as I ready myself. It takes me by surprise as I finally pull and let go of the breath. The bang from the gun is louder than I expected and I’m instantly thankful for the earmuffs knowing it would have been deafening without it.

“Again,” Jax says loud enough, not giving me a chance to turn around and celebrate.

I follow the same instructions, this time getting a little quicker with sighting in the target.

Bang.

“Again.”

Bang.

“Again.”

This same process continues until finally the magazine is completely empty. I place the gun down on the bench in front of me before turning to my Alphas.

“Can I go again?”

I lose count of the amount of times I load and reload the gun. While some of my shots are wide, missing the target completely, I’m still proud that a good portion of the shots still hit the target, even though none are close enough to the bullseye.

After the first magazine clip was emptied, Jax stood back, giving me the opportunity to shoot on my own. After the third clip, I felt him move away completely.

I never thought that shooting a weapon would be so relaxing. No other thoughts enter my mind as I zero in on the target down the range. It's just me and the weapon, no other distractions.

It's a repetitive cycle. One that I am able to get lost in.

There are no other thoughts in my head other than focusing on the task at hand. It's as though the pain from my life doesn’t exist.

Not my father and his abuse. My mother and her death. The trauma that plagues my mind every waking hour, no matter what I do to try and distract myself. The anxiety that cripples me at any given moment.

I already know that I have found peace in this one activity. Which is surprising considering the nature in which this particular weapon is used.

It makes me think that maybe I am more suited for this world than I originally believed. Which only gives me more questions.

What will happen if I have to turn this weapon on a person? Will I freeze like a part of me predicts I will? Or will I shoot without hesitation?

I hope it will be the latter even though the idea of killing another person makes me feel queasy.

If it comes down to me or them though, I know who I will pick every single time. I refuse to cower in the face of any more hurt. I deserve the life of happiness that I am being offered.

Never again will a man tell me what to do.

They will never have the opportunity to control my life like they are clearly so desperate to. A man will never have the chance to tell me what I am to do with my body again.

---