Page 53 of Believe in Caloosa Springs

“I just think you should explore your options a little before getting all stupid over a-” I clenched my jaw and Henry quickly corrected. “...him.”

“Yeah, I know exactly what kind ofoptionsyou’d like me to explore,” I spat, grabbing the box of cookies off the dashboard before tossing them towards an unexpecting Henry. He startled a bit and flung his arms up, managing to catch the box just before it hit the ground. Henry looked away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit!” The bitter cold ripped the word from my mouth. “Again, Henry, I’m a lot smarter than you are. You don’t think I notice you sitting with Max and whispering all the time? Do you think I’m too stupid to pick up on his shameless flirting andpopping by with cookies, muffins, and chili, and anything else hemakes too much of?Huh?” Henry tossed the box back into the car. I, however, was on a roll. “You honestly think I’m too stupid to recognize the pattern of him showing upjustbefore I’m about to go see Tian? You two got some little game going, or something?”

“It’s not like that! I just want you to be happy...” His lower lip quivered.

“No, you want me to be happy onyour terms.In the little boxes you’ve compartmentalized all of your trauma into. I’m allowed to be gay, and you’ll support me as long as I’m gay with someone you approve of. Someoneyou’vetaken it upon yourself to decide is right forme.Someone that hits the checkmarks of what you’ve decided would make me happy.”

I kicked at the ground with the toe of my boot. The ground was frozen, and the impact was hard, but I barely felt it. When thirty seconds had passed, and he still hadn’t said anything back, I spoke again. “I’m cold, Henry. And I’m late. Please move.”

When he didn’t budge, I steeled my expression. “Henry, if you don’t get the hell out of my way, you're going to be the next thing I leave behind.”

Henry gasped at my statement. “We’re supposed to be in this together!” There was a heavy stream of hot tears running down his cheeks, and his breath was quick and shallow in anxiety.

“Yeah, andyouwere supposed to have my back, not turn into the very thing I was running from.” I pushed past him and dove into the driver’s seat. In my haste, I slammed my forearm into the steering wheel, making me wince.

“You’ve changed, Porter!” he sobbed brokenly.

“Thank God.”

***

I pulled off the road about a mile from the farm, my eyes stinging with unshed tears. I put the car in park and leaned forward to rest my forehead against the top of the steering wheel. Then, I just let everything go.

I sat in the dark, my shoulders hunched over with a steady stream of tears and snot pouring out of my face and down onto the seat between my legs as I cried.

I cried for my parents, my home, and my entire family. I cried for themeof my childhood that I had to hide. I cried for that little boy growing up in an environment where the people who told him they loved him every day, turned around and condemned peoplelikehim without even knowing it.

The sinners and the sodomites!

I cried for my cowardice in running away instead of standing up for myself.

I cried for Henry, and his indoctrinated ignorance.

If salvation is spending an eternity denying who you are to be accepted by people you don’t want to be around in the first place, then I welcomed damnation. If I was to be shunned for expressing the way I felt and cast out of the heavens for the way I was born, so be it.

No… they’re wrong!

A sudden wave of calm washed over me and I lifted my head up to stare up through the windshield at the black, inky expanse of the sky peppered with pinpoints of light. I felt like I could see every star that had ever been hung.

I clasped my hands together, interlacing my fingers like I had done a million times, only this time I didn’t bow my head like anindentured servant but instead kept my eyes raised towards the sky.

“Heavenly Father…”

I’d said those words at least twice a day for as long as I could remember, but for the first time in my life, I think they actually meant something.

“There’s a lot about this world that I don’t understand, and I don't claim to. Since puberty, I’ve been going through the motions. Living half a life. I’d convinced myself that you didn’t even exist.”

I sniffled and wiped my nose against my shirt sleeve.

“I’ve been beating myself up for abandoning my family. For lying to their faces and never looking back. But the longer I’m away, and the more Henry reminds me of what I left behind… the more sure I get that I made the right decision. My mother always told me that, when the time was right, you’d light up my path. The more I run towards that beautiful boy, the closer I feel to you.”

“They talk about sinful lust, and marriage between a man and a woman, but I can’t imagine you care too much about a piece of paper…” I paused as a quick streak caught the edges of my peripheral vision. I turned just in time to see the tail end of a shooting star, and smiled. It emboldened me to continue.

“It's not ancient texts. It’s nothe said, she said. It’s notus versus them… It’s love. Love is pure in all forms. Youarelove. Love is our connection to the divine.”

I closed my eyes and whispered, “thank you.”

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