Page 31 of Peep

Bile climbs up my throat, and my hands tremble as I force myself to check the next request. I end up reading another five, each one equally as gut-wrenching as the next. Sickening stories from people who have experienced the darkest parts of humanity. They’ve been assaulted by friends, family, colleagues and strangers. They all have one thing in common…justice was never served. Their rapists run free, out there in society, able to destroy more lives. Some requests even include evidence of what happened to them, such as pictures after the attacks.

Unable to stomach any more, I slam the laptop shut and throw it on the sofa next to me as if it’s on fire. I lean on my knees, hanging my head in between my legs, trying to stabilise my thumping heart and chaotic breaths.

You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out Jahmar’s part in this. He serves his version of justice, removing part of their manhood and reducing their twisted desire to brutalise more innocent people.

Is it wrong to mutilate people? Probably, but Jahmar’s reasoning for it is more than justified. He’s a vigilante, a sadistic one, maybe, but with a valid cause. If I wasn’t already falling for him, I certainly am now.

Jahmar

It’s been over twenty minutes since I left Anders with my laptop. I genuinely think I’ve lost my mind dragging him into this, but if it’s the only way I can get him to trust me, it has to be done.

Finally sharing what I do with someone and the reason behind it feels cathartic in a way. No matter the outcome, even if he tells me to piss off and never speak to him again, I feel a sense of relief. Because the awful stories he’s reading right now feel like handing over a part of myself. A part no one has ever seen.

A light knock at my bedroom door makes me flinch. I sit up straight against the headboard, anxiously wringing my hands.

“Come in,” I call with a quiver in my voice.

This is good. Anders wouldn’t still be here if he didn’t partially understand why I performed these procedures.

He timidly enters the room, eyes cast down.

“You stayed.”

“I did.” When he looks up, his eyes are red-rimmed, and he sniffles.

“Are you ok?” I cautiously ask.

He stands there, shuffling on his feet like he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself.

“Little lion.”

Anders sucks in a breath.

I pat the other side of the bed, giving him a weak smile. “Come here, let’s talk.”

He releases the air in his lungs and crawls up the bed, kicking his shoes off. Warmth fills my chest; he wants to stay.

Anders sits beside me, crossing his legs and twisting slightly so he can see me. I sit on my side, facing him, kicking my leg out so it brushes his knee. My need for physical contact right now feels essential. Even though I’m still trying to decide how much I want to let him in.

“I don’t want to play games anymore, Jahmar; what I read was extremely unsettling and out of respect for these people, I need you to be straight with me.”

“I can do that,” I reply, and mean it.

It would be easy to slap on a fake smile and make light of this, but he’s right. These people deserve respect.

“Ok…”

Uncomfortable silence fills the room. The way his eyes are glued to my duvet and his eyebrows are drawn together let me know he has many questions and doesn’t know how to organise them, so I suck it up and just explain.

I reach for his hand tucked in between his legs, and he flinches before linking our fingers.

“You wanted to know why I drug, kidnap, and operate on these men. Well, I think the requests you read make it pretty clear. This world is full of some seriously fucked up people who abuse, rape, and almost kill people and get away with it. Most peoplewho experience sexual assault don’t even report it. When they do, they’re rarely believed; if they are, they’re dragged through a flawed criminal justice system. They’re made out to be liars by the defence. The worst experience of their life is dissected and turned into something they brought on themselves.”

I pause for a moment to catch my breath and focus on our conjoined hands. He tightens his hold, which settles the tornado raging in my head.

“So, that’s why, Anders. That’s why I risk my job, my freedom, and my fucking sanity to do this because I can only hope it will scare these disgusting men enough and reduce their sexual urges to stop them from doing it again. I do it for the victims and for myself. If it were up to me, they’d be behind bars or, better yet, dead, but I guess I draw the line at murder.” I scoff a laugh.

When I look up, a single tear rolls down Anders’ face. He quickly swipes it away and gives me a small smile, making that one dimple just about pop.

---