“Smells like butt,” I said, though I was lying.
“What? No it doesn’t.” Mash curled over on himself, spinning twice, sniffing his own butt. “Smells good.”
Another cold, wet snout smushed against my anus, and I jolted forward.
“Let’s get out of this tent before I have to sniff your mum’s or brother-in-law’s ass. Or worse, watch you do it.”
Mash laughed and led me out of the marquee. Wolves had begun to spill out and disperse into the darkness of the trees.
“Follow me,” Mash said. He immediately bounded over to a tree and cocked his leg against it. “You piss wherever I piss, okay? It helps to strengthen our territorial claims, and reinforces pack values and shit.”
I sighed and cocked my own leg. One night. One night. I just had to keep telling myself that.
Though it turned out running through the woods, pissing on everything Mash pissed on, was actually . . . fun. I found myself laughing, howling when he howled, and laughing even more.
I never knew I could run that fast and that freely. It was exhilarating. The wind whipped through my fur, my paws thundered against the loamy soil.
Eventually we slowed our pace to a walk and fell in line with each other. My heightened wolf senses picked up everything, from the fluttering of moth wings overhead to the pattering of bunny feet in the warrens below the earth. From the night jasmine drifting over on a downwind to the very distant wood smoke from someone’s chimney.
“Are you having fun?” Mash asked me.
“Yes,” I admitted. “It’s been a while since I was in my full wolf form.”
We were alone in this patch of the woods. I would have smelled another wolf nearby if we weren’t.
“When was the last time?”
I let out a nervous laugh. I remembered exactly when my last shift was. “About six years ago. Probably that time you walked in on me . . .”
Mash laughed too. “Oh my gods, okay, I remember. Man, I was so jealous. If I could shift at will, I’d be sucking myself off all day every day too.”
We slowed even more. The trees around us began to look familiar.
“How come you don’t shift any more?” he asked.
“Don’t really know. I guess I tried so hard to be somebody else for so long, I forgot about my true self.” It was way more profound than I meant it to be, but I realised I could tell Mash anything right now, and he’d likely have difficulty remembering in the morning.
We’d reached the overgrown outcrop that dropped into the ravine, the one where we’d kissed all those years ago.
I sat down. Mash stretched and lay down with his front paws extended.
“The community I grew up in was mostly human. I wasn’t allowed to shift outdoors. They said it was in case I destroyed stuff, but in hindsight I realise it was for the neighbours’ benefit. So their kids weren’t afraid of the wolf kid. I promised myself as soon as I could move away I’d be free to shift as often as I wanted. And then I met you and it was fun for a while, but I guess . . . somehow I’ve slipped out of the habit. They always say you turn into your parents, and back then I’d have told them to fuck off, but now I’m genuinely terrified that’s happened.”
“You’re not your folks,” Mash said.
“Thanks,” I replied, though I wasn’t sure I believed him.
“No, I mean it, Ci. You’re everything they could never be. You love and you give, and you’re selfless, and incredible, and they are . . .”
“They’re what?”
“They don’t deserve you as their son. And I wish I could . . .” He trailed off again.
“Yes?”
“I wish I could wrap you up in a big blanket and keep you safe.”
My throat tightened.