Page 143 of The Good Boys Club

“Mash wouldn’t have let you leave. He just fucking wouldn’t. He would have thrown you over his shoulder and pinned you to the fridge and told you you’re not going anywhere.”

Like that one time in uni when I’d mentioned applying for jobs in Bordalis.

“No, my darling,”he’d said, lifting me off the ground, holding me up with only his pelvis.“You can never leave me. And I will never leave you. That is both a promise and a threat. Mostly a threat.”

And I’d laughed, and went along with everything he’d ever said or suggested because I was so far gone for the man. He could have told me to light myself on fire and I would have.

Fuck, I missed him.

“No, Cian, you need to get out.”

I should at the very least send him a text message. The dash clock read nine oh two. He’d be waking up soon—if he wasn’t already awake and wondering where I went. Shit.

The lay-by I pulled the car into was so shrouded in foliage it activated the automatic headlamps of my car. It felt like midnight. I cut the engine and fired a text to Mash.

Me:

I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye. I couldn’t do it in person. I love you too much. I want too much. More than you can ever give me, and it’s not fair on either of us any more.

I deleted it. Retyped.

Me:

I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye. It’s not a decision I’ve made lightly. I’ve spent fifteen years pretending not to be so in love with you I barely remember my own name, and I can’t go on any longer. I’m doing this for myself. For my growth. I hope you’ll understand.

Deleted.

Me:

I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye. Mash, you are everything to me, but we want different things. You want afuck buddy, and I want to crawl inside your skin until we are one being. You want me to be your fake mate to keep your family off your case, and I want to burn Lykos to the ground, imprison you in the charred remains of the clock tower, and feed you sliders and baklava until you love me back. Haha, jk. Not, though. Not kidding. I love you so fucking much. I am so terrified. I don’t know how to live without you by my side.

Deleted.

Me:

I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye. I’ll miss you so much, but I need some space to think about my life.

Sent.

I didn’t have any service out here in the middle of fuck knows where, and Mash’s signal at Howling Pines was patchy at best, so it would no doubt be a while before he read it.

I let out my breath and butted my forehead against the steering wheel. My stomach churned restlessly. I stilled.

Actually . . .

Me:

I can’t do this. I love you, Mash, and I need to know. Before I go, I need to find out for definite if there’s any chance you could ever love me the way I love you. Which, by the way, is fucking loads. Don’t go anywhere, I’m coming back to Howling Pines.

Sent.

“Okay, Ci, time to face the sad-boi hipster music.”

I’d spent so long concerned with who everyone else wanted me to embody, I’d overlooked how much I was pretending. I never let myself live honestly, always too afraid to admit the truth.

Even if Mash didn’t want what I wanted, I could finally stop hiding behind my fear. I was going to tell him everything.

I turned the key. The dash lit up, and the engine emitted the most pathetic wheezing noise I’d ever heard it make. It sputtered out again.

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